Sunday, August 23, 2009

Cycle Day #16 - IUI Cycle #1 - A note about Infertility

Before I write anything, I want to say that I hope this doesn't come across as a rant, but rather some thoughtful advice. Nothing bad has happened to provoke this blog (just maybe thinking that this is the end of our journey, hoping really). And learning that more and more people deal with this awful disease. Yes, I said disease.

We've been dealing with this now for just over 2 years and I've learned so much about my body that I never wanted to know, and some that I did. I've also learned a lot about my family and friends, and I think taught them a lot. When we were just starting to try, I figured we would have no issues. My mom got pregnant with me when she was trying NOT to get pregnant (got the weeks switched - OOPS!) and I think the first or second month was pregnant. So I figured, just like all my friends, this would be a breeze. We even had a "race" with some friends at the beginning to see who could first. They had already been trying a while. When 2 months became 6, and 6 months turned to 12, my heart was in the gutter. What was wrong with me? A woman's job is to create life and I was failing miserably! I began to think that I would like to get pregnant, even if I miscarried just so I knew it was possible to GET pregnant. I willed the pregnancy tests at the beginning of the month to have 2 lines. But it never did. The sad thing is, I became used to that and I wouldn't even cry anymore. It took me a while to realize it, but I was the statistic. I was the 1 in whatever that had infertility issues, and I didn't like it. It's no fun to look around you and count to whatever it was and realize that I was that 1.

Then 12 months turned to 18 and 18 to 24. Now consider during these 24 months, I attended more baby showers and baby birthday parties than weddings. Seemed everyone was getting pregnant and without so much as a thought to it. I would hear a friend say, "Yeah, I think we are ready for a baby." And the next time I saw her (a month or two later) there was the news that they were pregnant. People would wait to tell me that they were pregnant for fear it would hurt my feelings. It doesn't hurt that you get pregnant, who can be upset with a joyful thing like that?! It hurts that I can't and I don't know why. I love going to baby showers, that is the whole reason I started making baby blankets. I love making people happy. But it gets difficult to deal with so much happiness when inside your heart is crying. Now, I am generally a very happy person and I try to look at the positive side of everything. But every-so-often that shoots out the window and I feel sorry for myself and our situation. Now there are joyful moments when someone tells you they are pregnant, don't get me wrong. Especially if that someone has been dealing with infertility because it gives you hope! And that helps tremendously!

This link will take you to a video about infertility. It is not meant to make you feel bad, but to give you a small understanding about what we go through. It is a tear-jerker, but so many people need to understand how this process feels.

I hate to compare infertility to cancer (both awful things and very different in their own right), but just for a minute picture this scenario. You see a friend who has been battling cancer for 6-10 months, and you ask her if it is gone yet. When she says no (if she hasn't smacked you or broken down into tears) you politely tell her "just stop worrying about it and it will go away." Now, logically does that make any sense?! NO! NO! NO! Well, thus is the issue with infertility. And while there are some people out there that may work for in the infertility world, there are a bunch that it doesn't! I understand people say some pretty stupid things when they don't know what to say, but if you are one of those people (and I admit I can be!), when someone tells you something and you don't know what to say, you can offer a hug or you can say "I will pray for you." But then zip it! These sayings are the worse:

"Just get drunk and have sex, that's how we always got pregnant!"

"What if you try adoption and then back out at the last minute, I have a friend of a friend who did that and they got pregnant" (other variations include "they were 6 weeks pregnant when they went to pick up their adopted child", etc.)

"Just take a break from it all and it will happen."

"You still aren't pregnant? What's wrong with you?" (yup, actually came out of someone's mouth!)

"You better hurry up and make your parents grandparents, they won't live forever."

The list goes on and on and on.

Now, don't get me wrong. I have some wonderful people in my life who just let me talk when I need to or offer their shoulder or a hug at the opportune moment. And even those who research what I am going through so they understand it better (I love you T!). But watch what you say to people who are dealing with this. I feel it is one of the worst things you can go through and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I used to feel like I was the only one dealing with this malaise. DH was upset, but seemed to keep it inside mostly. But I had few friends who also dealt with this. Most were baby machines! So then I found other people to talk to about this and while I am sad that other people deal with this, I am truly happy that there is someone to sympathize with and understand what you are going through. (Someone who had multiple kids easily can say all they want "I know what you are going through", but they don't!) I have friends that have been dealing with infertility from 6 months to 10 years now and been through far worse things than me. I don't know how they have the will to continue. But they do because parent-hood is so ingrained in them. They want this so badly!

I think I have hit all the points I was going for. My goal was to just tell you how my mind thinks and how we feel and what stupid things not to say, because they hurt. Even though I have heard them a million (I MEAN IT, I MILLION TIMES) and can keep my reaction in check at the moment it happens, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less. So give your friend a hug, and tell them they are in your heart and in your prayers and let it go at that. That feels so much better!

Now, on a note about my condition today. Nothing particularly different, just very aware of my uterus. Any little twinge, I am aware of and analyzing. I keep praying and telling myself "I am pregnant!" hoping my body gets the hint. It will, I know! Just now would be a great time! Will start Progesterone pills this evening and after 14-15 days of those test. If the blog goes quiet for a while, just bear with me as I get my thoughts formulated one whatever our next step is.

I did go swim this morning and that was wonderful as always. Told one of my loyal supporters of our activities on Friday and she was very excited. The funniest thing happened in the locker room after my swim. I was getting ready (drying my hair, make-up, etc.) when this fairly young lady came in (maybe 30) and behind her was trailing a little boy (I would guess 2). I glanced at him and smiled, then did a double take. He was following his mom with his eyes covered by his hands. It was the funniest thing ever! I couldn't help but laugh. The other ladies looked to see what I was laughing at and his mom spun around and joined me. It really made my morning! So very funny! I want one!

Happy Sunday folks!

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