Thursday, April 28, 2011

A lady is never late!!

Hello dearest Bleaders!  How have you been?  I feel like I've been gone forever, but in reality, it's only been a few days.  I had to go to Vegas for a work conference where I learned a bunch, ate myself silly and drank everything I won't be able to drink in June!  I haven't been to the gym or boot camp since last week and while that doesn't seem like a long time, I'm really used to going at least 4 times a week, if not 5, so I'm feeling very blah these days having it be Thursday and the only exercise I have had is walking across casinos to meetings for 3 days and lifting heavily caloried objects into my mouth!

So what is today's title about you ask?  First let me back track a bit.  When last we left, birth control was supposed to be started this morning because AF would have started on Monday.  So while I took clothes to Vegas that were very loose fitting and comfortable, she never showed. NEVER!  I know some of you are thinking, "oh oh oh, maybe you are preggers!" but don't get ahead of yourselves.  That lovely lady that I refer to as AF tends to do this when something is riding on her timing...namely blood work, appointments or the beginning of meds.  Only an Infertile would be more than a little annoyed when AF is late!  Most people would be rejoicing, but not me.  I'm pissed!  Come on AF, just get here and get it over with so we can move on to step number 1 with IVF and BC!  And yes, I have taken 2 pregnancy tests!  One on Monday (negative) and one this morning (negative).  Does it really matter that the tests themselves were expired? 

Anyway, sent Holly H. a little message today filling her in on our dilemma and she told me not to worry too much as IVF isn't until June and we can not take quite as many BC pills if necessary to get us on the right timing.  However, if AF hasn't shown up by Monday, we need a blood test to make sure we aren't preggers before the BC happens.  Lovely....more needles!  Will keep you posted.

I must be a magnet for random events because two have happened in the past 2 weeks. 

First a little back story...a few months ago I began receiving weekly issues of US Weekly in the mail.  Now why is this odd?  Because I've never ordered, nor paid for the magazine subscription.  I watch our accounts like a hawk and have never seen hide-nor-hair of a charge or a bill!  So I've gotten used to the magazine now.  I read what I think is interesting, skipping all the teen pregnancy stories, and heading straight to things about celebrity weight loss, Dancing with the Stars, and other gossip that I probably shouldn't care about, but I do.  Takes me about 30 minutes to read the magazine while watching TV at night and then the magazine gets taken to the gym for Trainer to let whomever wants to enjoy it.  Odd, but not at all bad. 

Well the other day I was going through the mail and what did I see?  Not only a copy of US Weekly, but now a copy of American Baby!  Umm....huh?!  Again, have never subscribed nor paid.  When I go see the OB once a year she has a stack of copies for patients to take and I usually grab one to puruse for the day we are preggers, but that's it.  Still bewildered, I stuck it on the pile to read at some point figuring I wouldn't get any more.  But yet, when I got home last night at 10:30 pm (because our flight was delayed) there sat another American Baby magazine on the counter with the mail J had collected.  What the?!  I don't know if this is a sign from God that there's a baby on the way and I just don't know it yet, or somebody at the magazine's idea of a cruel joke!  So very odd!

Okay, next odd little story from the conference.  Had a seminar about something and ended up talking to the presenter afterwards for a few more ideas.  Immediately after that was lunch, so we ( Mom and I ) headed to the lovely spread the hotel had set up for our group, and found seats.  Here comes the presenter lady and I invited her to sit with us.  We chit chatted during lunch, remembered we had met at a previous conference, and soon the other people (including Mom) had wandered off somewhere.  We continued to talk and at some point children came up.  I said we didn't have any and were working on IVF in June, to which she immediately responded, "you'll be great.  It will work." 

I smiled demurely, thinking I understood that she was trying to be optimistic. 

She insisted, "this will work.  You'll see.  Boy and a girl." 

Now my jaw is hanging.  "How can you say that? How do you know?" I kind of demanded, trying not to scream.

She smiled, very sweetly and said, "I have a gift."  (In my head, I rolled my eyes.)  She saw my internal roll apparently and continued.  "No really.  Here's a story.  I work with my brother. He and my sister-in-law had one child.  A while back, I walked into his office one morning and said - your wife is pregnant and it's a girl - then walked out.  Two weeks later, they discovered she was in fact preggers and 9 months later she had a girl.  But I've done this numerous times before that too.  I feel your IVF will be successful."

Still reeling I managed to eek out..."a boy and a girl? At the same time?" 

She said, "possibly.  But definitely one of each.  And you better let me know what happens!"  We exchanged contact info and off we went.

How random is that?!  This person that I barely know can make this statement?  I don't know whether to be optimistic or think she's a nut job!  I'm choosing optimistic.

Is the world trying to tell me something?

Stay tuned....

Sunday, April 24, 2011

And so it begins....?

Hello dearest Blogites...we're on the verge here.  The verge of many things.  CFP scores come in 3 weeks.  But even closer yet is birth control starts Thursday.  Yup, THURSDAY!  I know it's a small step, but it is a step none-the-less.

So, in that respect and out of some fear, I emailed Holly H. (I'll explain the name change in a bit) - the IVF coordinator at Dr. H's office to make sure I knew when I was to start BC.  Please note, AF is due tomorrow and I'll be traveling for a short conference, leaving J at home to his own devices.  Anyway, AF is due tomorrow and I wanted to make sure BC didn't start earlier than Thursday, when I'll be back.  Holly H. emailed me back and confirmed that yes, Thursday is the day to start.  This email came on Friday.  Now it's Sunday and AF is no where to be found.  (Only in an Infertile's brain is AF late even when she's not early!)  I had emailed Holly H. again after hours about some fertility vitamins that I won from Busted Kate a while back asking if we should take them or not and she emailed me this morning.  Sunday.  Easter.  I swear, these people always work.  Gotta love it!

The answer was, "if you can eat the nutrients that are in the vitamins, you don't need them.  If you can't, you need them.  So J needs to take them and you (me) should definitely be taking prenatals and folic acid of 1000 mcg per day."  Actually, her exact words were: Go ahead and have your husband take them, I hope that they are really big pills and that he gags on them, then you can say: "Well, Holly said that if you eat better, you won't need to take these, but since you don't......" :).  Ahhh....such humor!

And I had also asked her, because I felt especially close to Holly H. on Friday, a very personal question (see, told you the story of the name change would come).  I asked her if she was related to Dr. H because they both have the same last name and I know that his wife is an OB in town, so I knew they weren't married.  So when she replied to me this morning she confirmed that yes, she is Dr. H's sister.  Talk about a family run practice.  Dr. H (brother) and Holly H. (sister) get people knocked up and pass them off to Mrs. Dr. H to birth the baby.  No, you don't HAVE to go to Mrs. Dr. H once you are preggers, but it's not a bad idea because she really knows what you have been through with her hubby.  Anyway, from here forward, Holly will be known as Holly H.

So I emailed Holly H. back this afternoon thanking her for answering me not only on a weekend, but on a holiday.  Then, asked for a mini-synopsis of what J should and should not be doing...i.e. drinking, exercising, etc.  Because if it comes from her, it's easier for him to comply than if I nag him to do it.  ;)  I also let Holly H. in on the little AF scenario to see if BC would start later if AF was late.  AF tends to be late when something is on the when I need blood work, when I need to start meds, when it will be really bad for me to have her because I'll be at work function!  So we'll see what she says. 

Okay Blogsies...I must be off for a little R & R before the craziness of tomorrow ensues.  Hope you had a wonderful weekend and Easter and I shall return Thursday...ish.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Why GQ Magazine, why?

I was at the gym on Monday.  After a great workout and grabbing my soon-to-be-last cup of coffee was ready to face the day when I stopped dead in my tracks.  Sitting on the counter was the latest copy of GQ magazine and there on the front it ready, "Diary of a Jerk-Off, a Fertility Junkie tells all."  Bag dropped, coffee nearly dropped, I literally stopped everything to read what GQ (of all magazines) had to say about Infertility.

The title on the index page said, "Wanna blow a fortune ruining your sex life?  Try having kids with a doctor's help."  Okay, thus far, still agreeing with the situation...sorry if that is TMI, but timing baby-making really isn't all that exciting.  Turn to page 90 where I started to get really angry.  (I couldn't find the article online, but Trainer let me "borrow" his copy - well, he doesn't know that he did, but I'm sure it won't be missed."  If you can't read it and really want it, email me and I'll send it to you.  I warn you, there is some vulgar language/cursing - after all, it is a Men's magazine.)

If you can't or didn't want to read the above, it basically consisted of how awful this man's sex life had become because his wife wanted kids and being that she was 40 now, a doctor was needed to try this.  Whoa buddy, if your wife wants kids and you aren't all that hyped about it...maybe you aren't married to the right lady or at the very least you need a discussion.  And how all this infertility stuff has really ruined his sexy, hot, charismatic wife.  He goes on to talk bitch about how he hates all the things HE has to do in the doctor's office...essentially, make his deposit into the cup.  Wow, you really have it rough don't ya bud?!

He goes on to diss about how he doesn't have a great room to do his business, and how the videos are old! Hmmm....maybe because as J likes to say, "he's just the delivery truck" and he doesn't need all the special devices that his wife needs - like hmm....the needles, the drugs, the ultrasound machine, etc.  And he plays one part in all this, and while it is important, it really isn't very painful.  Let's talk about what his wife has gone through...he mentioned IVF.  So at the very least, she has given herself 2 shots a day for weeks at a time, she's been opened up to have eggs retrieved, more shots, embreyos hopefully put back in and then if all this doesn't sound fun enough, she gets to wait for 2 weeks and hope with every essence of her being that she is pregnant so that in 9 more months she can pop a watermelon out of a hole the size of a lemon!  Sign me up, that sounds like a great vacation!

I was so mad when I walked out of the gym at this guy.  He really was only looking out for him and his "poor me" attitude.  I wonder what his wife said when she read the article.  It was really written than he was the only one suffering and he was "struggling" through because SHE WANTED kids and he loved her.  Wow, how noble of you!

I thought about taking the article with me to show J, but then worried he might agree with the guy on some level and I would shoot him! :)  So I would love for a guy to read the article, after having his wife go through all this, and give me his opinion.  Any takers?

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

National Infertility Awareness Week - READ ME NOW!!!

Last year around this time, I came out of the "Infertile" closet so to speak and not only proclaimed "I am an Infertile" on Facebook, added my blog to my FB page and wrote a couple posts about our fertility journey.  Click here, here and here.  The first and second post, were specifically about our journey.  The last post was a video a very wise woman made about how it feels to be an Infertile.  Very touching, please watch.

So here we are, a year later and still no baby but with IVF seriously just around the corner.  It's an odd situation to be in and one that I am still figuring out.  On the one hand, I'm excited that we are taking the next step in our journey and very grateful for all the support I have received.  On the other hand, I'm nervous for myself and the people who support me.  I think many of them think that this will fix everything and it's possible that it won't produce a child.  I know that no one thinks I am letting them down, but I could feel that my body is letting me down and thus I am letting everyone down.  That I can't get pregnant.  That our savings is now depleted and where do we go from here.  I hope we don't experience that, but I have to prepare myself for it.  It's hard to be optimistic and guarded at the same time.  It changes from day-to-day.

Melslaw asked me if I was ready for the possibility of it not working when I told her we were starting IVF.  After a moment of pondering I replied yes.  I know that it may not work, but I also know that it may.  However, I think the real factor for me that makes me ready for this is it isn't our last hope.  Sure, I know we can do IVF again.  But if that doesn't work the second time or third time, I also know that I have 2 ready and willing bellies to borrow in the wings (MBM and MBM's sister).  I think if I didn't have that in my back pocket, I would really feel like this was our last shot at having a child that actually resembles us.  But I don't.  This isn't the last frontier. Yes, I really hope that IVF works and we don't have to cross the bridge to surrogacy, but I do also have the option if I want to or need to.  And that in itself is soothing (yes MBM and Nin, it is!  Thank you!).

I think that is all I have to say about this particular subject.  But Busted Kate posted a great list from about Infertility Etiquette, so I am going to copy her and post it here.  (Thanks My Kate!)  Remember, Kate nor I wrote this (there's a couple perspectives and talking about "when I was...", it's not me or Kate, it's somebody at - which is the National Infertility Association).

Enjoy and know that we aren't saying this for our health, these things actually get said and while deep inside we know they are well meaning (mostly), they don't feel like what people want them to and in the moment, you might really hurt the person you want to help...or they may really hurt you!  This article also gives good comparisons and explanations of feelings that I couldn't do. 

Infertility Etiquette

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
  • They will eventually conceive a baby.
  • They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
  • They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Lucky number 7

I'm somewhat of a fan of Numerology.  I guess I just like numbers and how they all go together, except for those on the scale, if we could separate those out that would be great! ;) 

For instance, we I picked our original wedding date (04/23/04) because it not only had the number 23 in it (my birthday), but because 2+3 equals 5 and zero four, zero five, zero four, felt right.  (I know, there is no logic here, but it is what it is.)  I say "original" because we had it all planned at the ranch and the day before I ordered our invites, the owner of the Ranch called ask beg me to move our wedding up a week because they had a ginormous party that wanted the 23rd and they would give us all kinds of free stuff if we moved our piddly 100 person wedding to 04/16/04.  After a quick check with all important parties (parents, grandparents, bridesmaids, groomsmen, etc.) to make sure that was okay, and a quick look at the numbers (four times four equals 16 - I'm crazy I know!), we okay'd the move of dates.  What's to say if we had gotten on the 23rd things wouldn't have worked out so good?  Or I would have gone crazy with wedding-planning-syndrome because I had one more week to worry about!

Anyway, there's a couple numbers that are very prevalent in our family.

Seven pops up quite a bit.  For instance, my parent's ages are 7 years apart.  And by some coincidence, BOTH sets of my grandparent's ages are 7 years apart.  For years and years I thought this meant that I needed to marry someone 7 years older or younger than me to continue the legacy.  J is just barely 2 years older than me...oops.  The guy that I dated before J was 7 years older than me (and actually had the same name as J), and I held on to him for way too long because of the 7 year assumption and because I fell in love with his daughter, and not really him.  Thankfully, I let go and found the right J.  I think that I had the right name, just the wrong person!

Anyway, sevens are a big deal to me.  As are fives.  I was born on my parents' anniversary, 5 years after they were married, to the hour of their wedding!  Apparently, I am perpetually on time.  So in July of 2008, my mother was convinced we would get pregnant so we could have the same legacy of having a child's birthday on our 5th anniversary as they did.  Obviously, that didn't work out either. 

As I wrote Saturday's post about J and my relationship, engagement and wedding, it dawned on me that this could be our seven.  Seven years after we got married, we got pregnant!  That's my hope anyway.  Maybe we aren't 7 years apart in age, and we didn't have a child on our 5th anniversary, but maybe, just maybe, we'll get pregnant in our 7th year of marriage.  And if I'm really putting it all out there, maybe that child will be born on a day that has a 5 in it.  Who knows?

Have a great week Blogites!

Saturday, April 16, 2011

7 years....holy cow!

Seven years ago today I married an amazing man...where'd he get to now?!  Just kidding...he's still right here beside me.

J and I are celebrating our 7th anniversary today!  So what better way to reminisce than with a post about how we met, got engaged and our wedding?

In a somewhat unromantic way, J and I met at a bar.  Yup, at a bar while I was in college.  I was working as a waitress at the time at Outback Steakhouse and had made friends with Super-Mom.  J was working at Safeway and was friends with Super-Mom's boyfriend.  So when Super-Mom and I would hang out, we'd inevitably be with Super-Mom's boyfriend, and there would be J.  So we saw each other around, said hi here and there, but never really talked.  One night, we were hanging out at a bar on the main drag of Tucson with all the crew and suddenly everyone decided they wanted to dance.  I had just gotten a drink and J wasn't in the mood to dance, so they all deserted us and went off to the dance floor.

So what were we to do?  We started making out!  HA HA, just kidding!  We started to chat and learn about each other.  I may have been a college co-ed, but I wasn't a sleazy college co-ed!  He told me he had just broken up with his girl friend and how crazy she was.  Probably 30 or 40 minutes later, crazy girlfriend walked up as I was giving J my phone number.  I left them to talk and went about the rest of my evening.

I remember that the next day I really wanted J to call, so since I knew someone dating his roommate, I got the roommates number from my friend and essentially stalked J that way.  I called his cell phone, but refused to leave a message.  But I didn't call just once, nope, I called probably 7 times.  I wasn't desperate, I just knew a good thing when I saw it.  Finally, he called me back and we planned to meet up the next evening at yet another bar.  (I always thought that he was too "hot" for me.  Later on, J told me he thought the same thing about me. Awwwwww...)

We met up that evening and had some fun.  He asked me out on a proper date and of course I said yes.  So a couple days later he picked me up in his huge, orange truck.  Think massive Chevy truck, lifted and Dukes of Hazzard orange.  I think he had to boost me up into it in my going out outfit.  (At the time, I had a Lexus ES 300 - my Mom's old car - and he was way intimidated by that.)  We had dinner at this place called Oregano's that I love and then we planned to go to a movie...Kate and Leopold.  Only when we got to the theater, it was sold out and the only other movie was...wait for it...Blackhawk Down.  I kid you not!  We watched it.  Well, he did.  I think I was looking away for a lot of the gory stuff.  Not the best first date movie!  He drove me home, kissed me goodnight and left.  I walked in and told Melslaw that I had met the man I was going to marry.  Go ahead, ask her!  That was January 2002.

We continued to date and get to know each other.  I could bore you with all the other details, but let's get to the engagement because I love this story!

I graduated from college in May 2002 and afterwards went on a trip with my parents and their friends.  We went to Grand Cayman for about a week or 10 days, I place EVER!  There was lots of beach time, shopping, reading and relaxing.  During one of our shopping trips, I found a tanzanite ring that I fell in love with.  It was about $400.  I figured I could buy it for myself as a graduation present.  I decided to think on it and maybe go back before we left to get it.  I had told J I would call him while I was gone so we could talk quick, from my cell phone (a $56 phone call!!).  I told him about the ring and he said the funniest thing to me.  He said, "You'll run out of fingers."  I never went back to get the ring.  Went to bed that night and had the weirdest dream.

J and I were visiting different people from his family.  Every person I saw would ask me when the wedding was and I would tell them I didn't know.  Then, they would tell me a date.  Every single person I talked to kept moving the wedding up by one day.  Just before I woke up, the person had told me the wedding would be the day we were flying home.  

I woke up and laughed it off because we were getting home about 11 pm, so he wouldn't have much time for a wedding.  He was picking us up at the airport and when he did he seemed a little tense, but I just wrote it off as being nervous because my parents were there.  We dropped my parents off at their house and I followed him home in my car.  I was exhausted!  All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and go to sleep.  I changed into my jammies real quick and slid into bed about midnight.  When I laid down, I slid my hand under my pillow and shut my eyes, only to have my hand find a velvet box.

I popped up quicker than I knew I could and looked at J.  (He says I opened the box, then shut it real fast, then opened it again. But I don't remember any of that.)  I said, "is this what I think it is?"  He said yes, and before he could even rightfully propose I was screaming "yes!"  So apparently, my dream came true and he did have time.  I think we were destined to meet and we both knew it, and weren't going to let it pass us by.

I planned to move to Denver from Tucson after graduation, and he had told me earlier that he wanted to come with me.  So we knew we were leaving late June, but had to tell his parents that we were not only engaged but moving to Denver.  They weren't happy that I was taking him away, but seeing as how we are now married and back in Tucson, I think they have forgiven me for that.

We moved to Denver and made it work.  Got jobs, got laid off, got different jobs, bought a house, and planned a wedding.  We got married in Tucson on April 16, 2004 at Wild Horse Ranch.  I tried to upload the video but only allows 15 minute videos and ours is 23 minutes!  Here's a couple photos.

 My girls...BFF in Phoenix and Melslaw (Melslaw also sang beautifully!)

Walking down the aisle with Mom and Daddy
By the power vested in me, you may kiss the bride! (that's Schelle who married us!)

The whole family

Mr. and Mrs. J

Some smarty-pants wrote on my Dad's truck so he could see this.  Very smart and cute!

We also did a video (one of the first I am proud to say) of photographs of us growing up and showed that at the reception.  That's here too.  (If you get this via email and can't see it, click here to go to
And then a year later when I came home for MBM's wedding, Mom asked me to be a part of her business.  I called J to get his reaction (it happened to be snowing HARD in Denver) and his exact words were, "I'll pack the house, you stay there!"  He was sooooooooo ready to move back to Tucson.  I also got snowed in in Tucson for a couple extra days, as they closed the Denver airport.  

But when I finally got back to Denver, we put the house on the market and just about the time we were ready to take it off because it wasn't selling, it sold for full price!!  However, the only stipulation was that we were OUT in 14 days!  Yes, 14 days!  We still hadn't even told our bosses yet or packed up at all!  We made it and moved back to Tucson where we again got jobs, bought a house and now planned a family.

We started trying to get pregnant in June of 2007, and here we are doing IVF in June 2011 - 4 years later.  I never thought it would take us this long, but apparently that is God's wish.  

So now you know our story.  I'm very grateful that I knew J was the right guy for me.  This journey wouldn't have worked without his support and patience. Yes, we have our disagreements, but the love is there to get us through.  I'm so lucky in love.

Happy 7th Anniversary my love!  Thank you for choosing me as your wife!

Oh, last piece of all this...this is what we got each other for our wedding present!

And here she is today...just without the t-shirt because she is all healed up!

Happy Saturday Blogites!

Friday, April 15, 2011

2011 Race for a Cure

Hello my lovelies!

I'm sorry this post is a bit behind but this week has been a bit crazy with the wrap up of tax season and with how exhausted I have been this week.  Don't know why, but I do know that I plan on sleeping in this weekend!

Race for a Cure with the Susan G. Komen foundation was on Sunday, April 10th (which also happens to be MBM's sister's birthday!  Happy Birthday MBM's Sis - love you!).  I've done this race the last 3 years and had fun all three years.  This year was no different!

J always ends up going camping (thus getting him out of going) and letting me have a girls weekend.  So he left Friday morning.  Saturday I had breakfast with Mama K and her kids.  Always fun, but the best story I have from there is this:

Mama K's birthday is next week and her daughter's birthday was last week.  At some point during breakfast, Rhe Rhe (7) asked me if I was older than Mama K (we graduated high school the same year).  I said that I was older since I was born in November and we proceeded to figure out by how many months (5).  A couple minutes later we noticed that Mama K's son was eating the fruit that came with my breakfast and really loving on the honeydew melon.  I said, "He really likes the muskmellon!"  Mama K said, "I've never heard honeydew called that."  Then Rhe Rhe said, "That's cause Nikus is OLDER Mommy!"  Mama K and I looked at each other and just started laughing so hard we were crying.  Can't put one over on her!  Such a smart girl!  I'm not THAT much older!

Left Mama K and the kids and went to get my hair done, and then home to knit my next blanket until Meanie Christinie came over to spend the night.  She came over and we just relaxed for a bit, went to dinner at Ruby Tuesdays (I love this place), came back and watched Grease (such a good flick) and finally to bed about 10:30 pm because we had to be up early for Race. 

Got up about 5:30 am on Sunday (boo) and the temperature gauge in the bathroom said it was 38 degrees outside!  YOWZA, that's cold!  Looked out the window in the bedroom and couldn't even see the mailbox because there was so much fog.  Meanie Christinie and I debated if we still should go to Race.  Texted a few of our team and since they were on our way, we couldn't bail.  So we went.  Got there too late to park in the lot, but found decent parking nearby and pretty soon found our team mates and Lobster (who wasn't officially with our team, but the rest of hers was running - crazy folk - so she walked with us).  Here's our photo:
I'm 3rd from the left, Meanie Christinie is 5th from the left next to Lobster on the end (the un-matcher). Trainer was supposed to go too, but he had to unexpectedly go to see his wife's family for a surprise retirement party for her Dad, so Heather (far left) took over as Team Captain.

Front of my "annotated" shirt. 

Back of my "annotated" shirt.  Should say, "Mom Ryan" and "Midji" at the top, but the letters got a little mangled in the washer today, so just says "Midj."  Sorry Midji - still love ya!

So we begin and right away lose some of our team in the crowd, plus we had kiddies with us so we were walking a little slower and messing with keeping them happy.  We get to the first turn and what does Meanie Christinie do?  She decides its time to turn tail and go home!!  (I must interject that the weekend I took CFP she sprained her ankle at a boot camp race and hasn't been able to get it back to normal since then, so walking 3.2 miles didn't sound like a good idea now...she had already walked a mile and was heavily limping, so we let her go home, since we were close to the car.)  I'll probably pay for telling you all this at boot camp next week! ;)  Love you Meanie!

So Meanie left, and the rest of us continue.  Tammy and I are chatting, Lobster is nearby and pretty soon we pick up more of Lobster's friends.  Again, we get separated and find ourselves very far from Lobster, so we run to catch her again.  Tammy, her way cute son, and I finally finish the race about an hour and a half later.  Yes, it took us that long to walk 3.2 miles when Music Maiden ran it in about 27 minutes, but we were stuck behind slow people!!!!  If Tammy had had her way, we would have run it too!  Anyway, we finished and it was fun.

Found Lobster not too much longer later and debated about where to go to breakfast.  Tammy and her son headed for home, as did Music Maiden.  We settled on The Good Egg on the East side of town and by the time we found the rest of Lobster's team, we had 15 people going to breakfast!  That sounds like trouble on a Sunday morning!  Thankfully, one of the hubby's called and told them we were coming so we didn't have to fight the crowd once we got there and had a wonderful breakfast.  

Finally departed from the crowd about 11:30 am and headed for home and my nap!  J came home soon after I did, it had been cold, rainy/snowy camping so he was ready to be warm.  And that's the reason I don't go with him! :)

Anyway, great race and our team raised $1,080 to fight breast cancer!  Can't beat that!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

PETA 0, Infertiles 1

Whoo hoo....Infertiles unite!!! 

After many angered Infertiles apparently flooded PETA with letters and beratement, PETA relented and took every mention of National Infertility Awareness Week down!  Here's an article about it all. 

I truly understand what PETA was attempting to do with the snip two-fer, but don't link it to infertility.  I also agree that there are many people out there who need to be snipped because they either can't stop reproducing children or they aren't good parents!!  But that's doesn't link to the Infertile population who want to be parents SO badly that they spend thousands upon thousands of dollars to do it, and are probably some of the best parents out there because they had to CHOOSE to do it, instead of just getting knocked up when they weren't paying attention.  (No offense to those who were lucky enough to get knocked up!)  I'm just trying to say that when you have to work harder to achieve something that is supposed to be simple, you have time to evaluate how bad you really want it to happen.  Is it worth draining your savings for the chance at bearing your own child?  Many people don't have to broach that subject. Unfortunately, there are a lot of us out there that do have to figure that answer out.  And possibly more than once!

Okay, enough about PETA.  I'm over them!

I know I owe you a post about Race for a Cure.  I need to take photos of my shirt because you can't read it in the ones I have.  Once I do that, I'm all set. 

Have a lovely day Blogites!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Bloggy Update

Hello dearest ones...notice anything different here lately?

WHAT?!  You don't?!  Then you are blind...or reading via email.  Click here to go to the actual site and see how I "refreshed" the blog.

I'm not that technically saavy when it comes to blog.  I can figure out some things, but it takes me eons longer.  After hassling with the blog set up for no less than 5 hours (literally, between about 3 days) I called for reinforcements...MBM to the rescue!  She really does it all! THANKFULLY!  She was able to get it back to the point where I could manipulate it how I wanted, but at least I wasn't throwing it out the window. WHEW!  Thanks MBM!

I figured that just a picture of J and I didn't suffice because we aren't the only people involved in our "road."  So many of the people we love and care about are in the above collage.  I couldn't fit them all, but most of our nearest and dearest are there.  I think it looks pretty cool.  What do you think Blogites?  If there's colors that you can't see, please let me know. I'll do my best to fix...or MBM will. ;)

Not a whole lot to report this week.  Been exhausted (don't go getting any ideas) all week.  Just can't seem to get enough sleep.  Missed Monday and Tuesday's workouts - Meanie Christinie wasn't happy with me! We're back on track now though!

For anyone keeping track, this is the last month that we could feasibly conceive on our own, as I start BC on May 1st.  Let's just say there was a "Hail Mary 14" somewhere in April...and maybe a 16, just in case.  I'd be jumping for joy if either actually worked, but not holding my breath.

Quick note and then I'll stop...talked to Acu the other day to see how we go about starting acupuncture again and after catching up a bit, she said, "if memory serves, your job was pretty stressful, so we'll do points for stress too."  I was very happy to be able to retort, "yeah, not so much anymore.  The reasons for the stress are gone...YAY!"  She was glad to hear that and I was very glad to be able to say it.  (No that doesn't mean CFP scores are in yet, think back further in posts.)

Okay, I'm out!

Friday, April 8, 2011

Really PETA, really?!

It seems a while ago that I never had anything to say about Infertility, and even then my posts were few and far between.  With the onset of the realization that IVF is a train heading straight for us, I now have a million things to blog about!  Today's wasn't on my list, but I can't NOT say something.

For those of you unaware, PETA (People for Ethical Treatment of Animals) is currently running a contest where men can win vasectomies if they get their dog fixed in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week.  So here's how I feel.

I understand PETA's motives and their desire to spay/neuter animals to cut down on the population.  I even understand giving away a free "snip" to a man so he can DECIDE not to procreate. 

My main issue is that they are doing this IN HONOR OF National Infertility Awareness Week.  That's so not what infertility is about! 

Infertility is the inability to procreate NOT OF YOUR OWN DEVICES.  People who are infertile, don't WANT to be.  Someone who gets a vasectomy has made the decision  to not procreate.  Someone with infertility is doing their damnest to PROCREATE, no matter cost, pain, suffering, more cost, whatever.

It's like a slap in the face to the Infertility community and it doesn't even make sense.

How did this meeting go?
"Hmmm....let's run a campaign about spaying and neutering your animals!"

"Now how could we get media coverage?"

"Hey, let's offer to snip some guy if he gets his puppy snipped!"

"Okay, but what else could coincide with that?" 

"Who else can't make babies?"

"The Infertiles!"  Quick web check... "Hey, National Infertility Awareness week is coming up.  What if we link the two?" 

"Great!  Pizza anyone?!"

How was no one sitting in that board room thinking, "spay/neuter" and "infertility", huh?  How do the two really relate?  Was no one in that whole organization man or woman enough to speak up and say, "you guys are insane?!  Infertility is nothing like CHOOSING to have a vasectomy."  And since about 7.3 million people deal with Infertility, how did not one of them work at PETA or know someone battling it and say something?! 

Nope, guess not.  What the heck?!

Click here for more information about the whole debacle.  And here to sign the petition to have PETA take all infertility linkage out of their press release.  And here to read RESOLVE's (The National Infertility Association) press release condemning PETA.

In other news, this statement popped up on FB today:
"Infertility is a heart-wrenching, faith-questioning, relationship-testing, life-altering experience.  April is Infertility Awareness Month.  Whether a friend, a family member, a colleague or yourself has fought through this difficult fate that MILLIONS of people are fighting day in and day out, post this as your status if you or someone you know has walked to hell and back for the chance to be a MOM or DAD."

So, of course I posted it.  OF COURSE!  And what happened?  I started seeing the people that I love post it too.  Over and over and over again!  That is all that this is all about.  Making people aware of this problem so they are less insensitive (ahem...PETA!), and more understanding.  Nobody disbelieves in Cancer or AIDS, but Infertility, yes.  We've battled those ideas before, we'll stop here.

Then, I got this picture sent to me.  

I'm not quite sure how I feel about this.  On one hand, I'm glad that someone is recognizing that people suffer from this and need support, but on the other hand, I'm a little dismayed there is only ONE card to choose from and that apparently the message was "I know how much you've been wanting to get that little bundle of joy and it's just not happening. I feel for you." 

This might be one place where not being specific is okay and appreciated.  I'd much rather get a card that said, "I'm here for you"  because our infertility situation is on my brain 100%.  I know what you are referring to when you say this.  This message sounds very pitying and we don't want to be pitied!  I guess if Hallmark says "infertility exists out there" then IT REALLY DOES!  Oy vey!

I don't want to go into the weekend on a sour note.  I know that PETA's stupidness doesn't affect me or my life.  I've had incredible support this week since I've been telling friends about IVF.  Truly.  

Screw PETA! (HA!  That's really funny to me!)

Happy Weekend folks!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

The Next Chapter

Ever since the events of last Friday, I have felt that I am on a different playing field.  I had really figured out how to put the infertility stuff on the back-burner of my brain and focus on CFP and the rest of my life.  Since Friday, I definitely have a case of Infertility-brain.  It's not every waking minute, but it is WAY more than the last year.

I even went to bed on Sunday night and before I fell asleep read every page of Kismet's IVF blog (all 30!) in addition to many pages of Fertility for Dummies, Chapter IVF.  I didn't sleep well that night, but I think it is because I was trying to process all this info.  I do realize that I have a little bit before we go full force, about 2 months.  But getting up Monday was hard.

I met with Trainer on Monday for my monthly session & therapy(?) and just kind of spilled on him.  Not really bad stuff, just that I'm at an impasse and not sure how to put one foot in front of the other.  But I know that I want to focus more on being healthy rather than the scale going down (especially understanding that the drugs I will be on in May and June will wreak a bit of havoc no matter how good I eat and how much I exercise).  He, as always, is very understanding and asks questions so he understands more of what will be happening.  He changed the workout to challenge me more and I always walk out feeling like I've had a great morning.  Have I mentioned that I love this gym?!  I do.  And the guy who owns it.  And his gorgeous wife, who is pregnant and still freaking gorgeous.  And all the people that work there.  It's just a great place.

So then Monday afternoon Holly (IVF Coordinator) started to reply to all of my emails that I had sent her Friday after our chat.  She answered all my questions and sent me more info (namely the list of things I can and shouldn't eat - i.e. caffeine, alcohol, sweetener, some fish, crack, etc.)  Of course I had more questions and so we agreed to chat Tuesday at some point.

And Monday night, I picked up my BC on the way home from work.  Just wanted to have it in the house so we had it on the right day and there was no scrambling.  Of course, since I haven't been on it for 4 years, the pharmacist had to tell me how to use it.  Holly had told me to just "smile and nod" because the real way would be different than the pharmacist said.  But something did catch my ear and I had to hold my giggles until I pulled away.  She said, "the effects of these drugs may be lowered by certain antibiotics, so if you are on antibiotics, make sure you use a back-up method."  Wouldn't that be the end-all-be-all?  I get preggers while ON birth control and prepping for IVF?  Hey, I won't hate it, but I will be shocked!

Tuesday, during my lunch break, I got on the phone with Holly.  She's a very chipper person and I appreciate the humor she finds in this situation because there's an awful lot that really isn't funny about it all.  But she keeps things light.  She let me question a few different things, (i.e. ARC which is the fertility payment plan including prepaid cycles and guarantees, the meds and how to buy them cheaper, the blood tests we need to have before anything happens if we even think we might give out one of our eggs or put it in someone else's body, and working out).

So here's what I know.

The price of IVF hasn't gone up since I last checked (YAY!) but if we did a payment plan it would cost 9.9% interest!  YOWZA!  Glad we have savings, but sad insurance doesn't cover anything.  9.9% of $8,770 is an additional $868!  WOWIE, let's not pay that.  Guess the savings will come in handy.  The guarantees can be a good deal if there's obvious reasons that IVF won't work the first time (i.e. if I was over 38, had had multiple surgeries for endo, etc.), but we don't have those deals.  So paying 10-30% more "just in case" doesn't really sound like a good deal.  I may disagree if we get to cycle 2 or 3, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.  PRAY WE DON'T!

If a patient doesn't want to consider donating out their eggs, then they don't need the following tests.  But if there's even an inkling that they might donate them out or use a surrogate (hello, MBM and MBM's sister!) they must be tested for HIV, Hepatitis B & C, and Syphilis BEFORE the eggs are extracted.  Yes, I know we don't have these, but the FDA doesn't.  Hopefully will be covered by insurance in some respect because they ARE NOT fertility tests.  The clinic will do them when we have our first appointment.

Ah, the meds.  Not cheap!  They are about $2,000 of the IVF cost listed above.  Again, YOWZA!  So of course the budgeter in me wants to know where I can get them cheaper, but still working.  I had some tips from other people and when I asked Holly about those, she about had a heart attack.  Apparently, not the best place to get them because they aren't reliable and the drugs have to be ordered all at once instead of just as need be because they must ship them.  Holly assured me that they have price costed places out and the pharmacy they use is the most "cost-efficient" as well as in the same complex.  Kismet did mention that she needed unexpected refills a couple times, so having it close by is good.  And, reliability and LESS STRESS is muy importante!  And we buy drugs as we need them, as opposed to all at once.  So we could spend less if we don't need the drugs, or more if we need more.  But at least no shipping costs.

Trainer had mentioned workouts and how they might change when we get to June.  I asked Holly and she just said things like limiting a few things.  No running (sorry Meanie Christinie), no sit ups or inverted moves, as well as no jarring moves.  And listening to my body.  As I read in Kismet's novel, it's quite possible I'll feel like a chicken about to drop a load of, well, eggs.  Therefore, listening to my body is of the utmost importance and if it says no workout today, or lighter workout that day, to listen.  Of course as we get closer to June, we'll figure out the specifics more.

Lastly, Holly and I actually scheduled the times of all of my appointments, with the exception of extraction day, transfer day and THE blood test.  YIKES, it's becoming more real every day!

I'm still somewhat at a loss for words as far as how I feel, but I know that we'll forge ahead and get this done.

I used to only envision the pink lines.  Now I envision the belly.  And the baby.

Big steps.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

According to my pedicurist, my uterus is healthy.

I'm a bit of a fanatic about my nails, no comments from the peanut gallery please.  I can't handle it when I have chipped one or the polish is coming off, so much that I'll wear a bandaid over it.  I also won't wear fake nails because I like doing my own nails too, but I do like a manicure and a pedicure at least once a month.  I have a place that I normally go where a mani/pedi is $30 and they do a pretty decent job.  I limit this to once a month and if I find a new place, I may try it out if the cost is right.  With the creation of Groupon and, I've tried more than a couple new places, some good and some bad, but all about $30.  A mani/pedi goes much further for me than a massage, because I can still look down at my nails and toes and love how they look and have a memory of my time there, whereas once I get up from a massage I'm done.

After the haze of last Friday, I was really looking forward to my mani/pedi that I had scheduled for Saturday afternoon.  I had a coupon that I had already paid for and had been putting off because my nails just don't wanna grow (blame it on being mad at my prenatals and refusing to take them!), but the expiration date was quickly approaching.  So I scheduled it before I took CFP as something to look forward to afterward.

The thing about Groupon and LivingSocial deals is sometimes you never know what you are walking into.  I haven't met a bad one yet, but there's always that chance.  This place was a kind of hole-in-the-wall salon with 5 stylist chairs, one manicure desk and one pedicure station.  I got right in and we did my manicure first, which usually doesn't happen (makes sense to me, but whatever).  Of course, being that close to someone for almost an hour would be quite uncomfortable if there was no speaking, so we were chatting.  And I'm at the age where people ask if I am married and if I have kids.  So of course, the topic moves to our infertility struggles and IVF that I had scheduled the day before.  We didn't spend a lot of time on the subject, but definitely tapped into it a little bit.

The lady doing my nails was a grandmother (she told me) and Mexican, but spoke very good English (unlike my other nail place where they barely speak English).  She was very nice and cheery.  My nails now done, we moved to the chair for my hour long pedicure.  She spent a lot of time massaging my right foot, almost putting me to sleep and then moved to the left foot.  As I started to really drift to la-la land, I heard her say, "Well, your uterus is healthy!"  Talk about a comment out of nowhere!  And again, I was awake!

I think I sputtered, "whoa-huh?"  She explained that she had training in podiatry as well as reflexology, and knew that a part of the foot was sensitive to the uterus, even telling me when someone was preggers, touching that part of the foot was unbearable for the victim client.  Since I hadn't moved at all (hello, I was sleeping!) she said it meant it was healthy!

It has made me giggle many times over and I will be telling Dr. H and Holly this little story.  "My uterus is healthy, according to my pedicurist, so why can't I get pregnant?!"

Ahhh....the things people say!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Apparently I'm not the only one

Hello dearest Bleaders!  Welcome to the weekend.  The HOT weekend in AZ!  89 degrees!  YOWZA!

Today's post is a major stepping stone for us I guess.  But before we get there, let me explain the title.  And you'll understand better as we get on to the story of Friday.

I guess I posted some rather cryptic messages on Facebook Friday and it was only because I was seriously at a loss for words, and kind of still am.  But apparently I'm not the only one whose brain jumps to pregnancy when we don't know what is going on.  I posted twice Friday.  The first one said, "Well I didn't expect to do that today."  and the second said, "WOW, my mind is literally blown!"  I guess it freaked a couple people out because I got more than a few emails, texts, or messages asking if we were preggers!  Whoa folks...hop out of the rolling truck.  We are not pregnant!  I repeat, we are not pregnant.  That will not be released to the FB public for quite a little bit after we do realize we are, and sadly, probably not to the blog public until the appropriate people are told (i.e. Mom/Dad, BFFs, etc.).  Now on to why those posts came up...

J's family and I are planning a little vacation in June to go up North to not only get away from the heat, but to also spread Grandma Jo's ashes per her wishes.  So needed to get everything figured out with the realization that IVF takes a couple months to get rolling.  Got the sleeping arrangements figured out, but needed to understand the IVF schedule because I had a feeling I had missed something.  So I called Holly at Dr. H's office to confirm what I was thinking.  She knew about all the testing stuff with CFP, so between the doc's schedule and ours, we decided it was best to just schedule IVF for June and get on the boat.  So that's my big news...IVF is scheduled and I'm not quite sure how to handle that yet.

There's about 6 appointments.  One where they tell me how to inject myself, a couple where they check our stats, one to take eggs out, one to put embreyos back in, and one to check if we are preggers or not.  The one with how to take shots will be right before we go to the mountains, then a couple when we get back.  Need to take the day off for when they take the eggs out, and the "slated" date for embreyo transfer back in is Father's Day.  Hopefully very fitting!

After I got off the phone with Holly (47 minutes after we started) I received her crazy spreadsheet with a lot of information about IVF, sent her a couple questions back.  Finally finished my lunch about 2:30 pm and felt like I was in a fog.  I didn't know what to do next.  I wanted to blog, but I also didn't want people like my parents to hear we had scheduled IVF via the blog.  So, I took to FB, but again left things very vague and freaked people out.  (Sorry folks!)  I also kinda felt like I didn't want to tell anyone.  I knew I couldn't do that.  But sometimes this whole thing feels so out of hand and broken-expectation-filled that I just wanted to keep it all quiet until I could scream from the rooftops "We're Pregnant!" . 

I did email a few folks who I knew would understand, especially Kismet.  She had IVF in 2009 and now has a beautiful little girl. She blogs and documented a lot of it and after she told me to have a large glass of wine to calm my nerves (it really did help) she asked if I wanted her posts only about IVF.  OF COURSE I DO!  As you would expect, it's a huge document!  But I printed all of the 30 pages and in addition to all the other IVF books I have, this will probably be my Bible.

I called MIL to tell her that the dates were all set and then a long conversation ensued, as usual.  I ended up telling her that we signed up for IVF and to not freak out if I disappeared while we were on vacation and screams were heard from the bathroom!  

J came home and I didn't want to jump on him about the events of the day, but I was chomping at the bit to tell him.  I summed it up as short as I could and let on him chew on it for the evening.  Then, as we went to bed I asked him how he felt about it.  He said he was nervous, but also started questioning why it had to be this time period, namely because we have a wedding in Phoenix (2 hours away) on the Saturday before implantation date, and that could create some havoc.  I reminded him that I have no control over my cycle or the doc's schedule.  He then understood why we were on a honkey schedule.  I think he's nervous, as am I.  But we both know this may not work the first time, we can only hope.

Ms. T posted a great FB status today and I needed to remember it: "Hope: The feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.  Hope."

So here we go...step one...BC starts early May.  Still have time to back out if big nasty comes back and bites me.  But if not, we're on our way.

One last happy event of the weekend...MBM's sister (my other belly mama) told me that she didn't mind being preggers however many times we needed!  Her belly is always available - just not immediately because she is preggers currently with their #2!  :) Man I love her and MBM so much for their generous offer of themselves!  I call them my sisters, but if we borrowed a belly, we would REALLY be related! :)  LOVE YOU GUYS MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER KNOW!

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Saturday, April 2, 2011

There's nothing like the understanding of another Infertile

I don't think I have been quiet about my appreciation for everyone who reads this blog, hugs me when I cry, listens to me vent, etc. etc.  But for those of you out there that are Infertiles, you know what I am talking about when I say this.  There is NOTHING like the understanding/support/care that you receive from another Infertile.  N-O-T-H-I-N-G!  I appreciate you guys more than you can ever know.

I'm sure this can be said for a lot of things out there.  Business owners appreciate other business owner's trials.  Cancer patients and survivors understand better what it means to have Cancer than just someone watching on the sidelines.  Someone who has lost a parent/sibling/child probably identifies better with someone who has also been through that.  And Infertiles are no different.

When someone tells me they are an Infertile, my entire view of them changes in about half a second.  I'm standing in their shoes and I know what they have been through, because I have been there.  It makes me sad and happy at the same time.  Sad, because I would never wish this drama on anyone.  But happy because there is a special bond that Infertiles share and finding one more person to share with is unbelievable.

There's a knowledge that we have that someone else, even many of our husbands don't get.  There's an ache that is difficult to put into words.  Only an Infertile can understand the language that other Infertiles speak, and show with their body.  The smile that we give when a friend tells us they are pregnant, despite the pain that is happening within.  Let me reiterate, there is never a hate for our loved one that has revealed they are preggers.  There's just a resounding "why not me?!" that happens without us even thinking about it.  There's verbage that you don't have to explain to everyone else that an Infertile understands.  There's just a special bond.

There's a couple folks that I have reconnected or initially connected with due to our similarities with Infertility.

Volleyball Queen - I love you lady and can't WAIT to see you next week at North!

Busted Kate - My Kate - there aren't words for my appreciation of you in my life!  See you at Race!

Amanda - I think of you often as we get close to IVF and you give me strength!

And a real quick note about Grey's Anatomy (if you haven't seen Thursday's episode, stop reading now, I won't be offended!).

Callie and Arizona are in a car accident which throws the whole episode into the musical episode that everyone is talking about today to save Callie and the baby.  Callie is pregnant for those of you who don't watch Grey's and Arizona is her girlfriend.  So of course lots of dramatic moments throughout the episode, but the one that brought me to tears was Meredith and Derek (McDreamy) - they've been trying to conceive for quite some time and moved on to infertility treatments - in the elevator where Meredith can't control her emotions and the things she says are things I have thought.  "Why could they get pregnant without even trying?  Why not me?  What is the Universe coming to?" etc.  It makes us feel broken.  And yes, I realize Meredith is just playing a part, but the words coming out of her mouth are truths that Infertiles feel.

Again, I love when Infertility is shown in Modern Media.  And here it is again.

I hope you all have a great one and will talk to you next week!