Day 1?

Well it sure feels like Day 1, but I'm getting no visual confirmation at this point. So we continue to wait. I always hate these days too because even though I know I am cramping, my brain likes to confuse that with hunger pains so I eat my way through the day and don't work out! Not a great plan for the waistline! But I am still planning on going back to swimming on Sunday... I think it will feel great to be outside in the sun and the cool pool.

I'm excited for my OV watch to come. Don't know if will be able to start tracking this month because not quite sure how the watch works in its entirety. If I need to start on cycle day 1 or what. So hopefully will come soon, or hopefully AF holds off until it comes. Maybe May will be the month for "blooming."

OV watch

I had seen this I think sometime last year and in my naivete I thought we wouldn't need it and it was too pricey! If only I had bought it then, we might not be in the predicament we are now, and probably a lot cheaper then all the other stuff we have done. So after a lot of research on pricing, I found it on Ebay and I bought it.

The OV watch is something you wear every night and it tells you when you are fertile, up to 6 days before ovulation. The pee sticks only do it a day or 2 before and they don't seem to work right for me. I'm excited to get this and see if we can't get this done without a doctor doing most of the work!

I stopped taking pills yesterday after my BFN, still no AF. Emailed the doc's office, but he is out of town until Monday, so if no AF by then, will call them and see what to do. What's 6 days in the span of 2 years right?

I'm excited for my watch to come, hopefully before AF and before we go to DC in a week and a half! I cannot wait for vacation! Just have to make it to then!

And we begin the cycle again...

So took a test this morning and it came up BFN. I kind of thought it would be that way because the last one was 4 days ago. But I didn't cry. I think I am at peace thinking that I have an angel in me, but her heart just needs to find us. Now on to work!

Heart and Soul

So I have been racking my brain about how I can positively think about having a baby in me without being upset if test day comes and there isn't one. I think I found it...we'll see tomorrow. I've been thinking ever since last Thursday with Debi (my Acupuncturist) that I have the soul of my baby (I've been thinking girl) in my tummy, and that we are just waiting for her right heart to show up. To some that could sound kind of weird or morbid, but for me that helps me think positively about a little one, with less hurt than thinking "this is the month" and then being upset if it isn't. Random I know, but at this point I will try anything. If positivity is what has been setting us back, hopefully this kicks that out too!

Long day, odd symptoms

Yesterday was definitely not a typical Saturday in our book. The neighborhood was having a yard sale, and we had debated about participating. A friend who used to live outside of the neighborhood wanted to come join, and called me at 6:45 am to make sure I was awake! Love her for doing that because it did get me up. Drug all the stuff out to the driveway, and the fun began. Jason joined in about 8:30 am, and Talia showed up about 9 am. We had a pretty good run of people, although it is obvious people are CHEAP! Made about $100 and got rid of some stuff I have been itching to get rid of. Loaded up the remainder to Goodwill. Then off to get my hair done, and that is always enjoyable.

Got home from getting my hair done and I was just tired. Jason was at a buddy's house, so went over there for a bit. But couldn't keep my eyes open, and the smoke from the fire didn't help. So finally bailed about 10 and came home. I had had a headache and it just wouldn't go away. So crawled into bed and went to sleep pretty much as soon as I got home. Jason got dropped off about 1 am, and the dogs woke up thinking someone was breaking in. They hear everything. It was nice to sleep in today. Now I am off to find some breakfast and relax a bit before the painting ensues! Again with the busyness!

Just an ordinary day....

Nothing to report today. Took my pill this morning, worked out, came home, worked, studied, and now off to make guacamole for dinner at a friend's house tonight. Tomorrow will be busy with yard sale and getting hair done - yay! Then Sunday we paint again.

I've been trying to visualize my uterus as a wonderful place for a baby and that it is ready. I really hope it helps. After yesterday's mild disappointment, it would be so great to have a wonderful surprise Monday morning!! Fingers, legs, eyes, arms, all crossed!

Ummm...okay?

All day I was analyzing my body. Am I in pain? Am I getting AF? What is happening?

Finally about 2, emailed my doc and told him the situation (tested this morning, it came back negative, put no AF). He said to take the pill for another 4 days, which puts me at Monday, then re-test, then if negative, stop the pill and get AF and start again next month. So now I am visualizing a baby in my tummy and hoping for the best.

Who knew this process was so tricky? And since I am on cycle day 28, things will be out of whack, but whatever works right? At least we still have a shot. No wine tonight though!

Had acupuncture tonight. I love my acupuncturist, Debi! She is so attentive and calming, and Lord knows I need that. She gives me my positiveness that I need. Hopefully it all works the way we want it to!

Fingers crossed, positive thoughts!

And the saga continues...

Woke up at 5:45 this morning and debated about getting up or not to POAS. Analyzed how I was feeling, looking for cramps, pain, etc. Finally bit the bullet and got up, POAS and it came back negative. I have gotten so used to this that I don't even cry anymore. But AF still wasn't here, so I took my pill just in case and went back to bed. Woke up about 2 minutes ago and now I feel AF on her way - cramping, back pain, etc. So we start again. But at least there was no spotting yesterday. And I can have a glass of wine tonight and tomorrow when we go to dinner with friends! Always a silver lining right?! So the saga continues....

Well, a little good news

Have a little good news today...still afraid to POAS. But as day 27 of my cycle, lately today I would have spotted and I didn't. That hopefully means that the Prometrium I have been taking the last 2 weeks has been doing its job and MAYBE there is another reason, but I refuse to test until tomorrow morning. One of the good things about this drug is I have to test on Day 28, doctor's orders! If I test and I am not pg and I get AF, then I stop until about Day 18 of next cycle. If I test and I am pg, then I continue the drugs through the first trimester. While the drugs are kind of a nuisance, I am really hoping for option 2! Will hopefully have an answer tomorrow!

Thanks for your good thoughts! And I will keep you posted, but you folks might get a phone call before I put anything up here, we'll see!

Could we be this week?

I guess I miscounted days, but it seems that AF is due on Thursday. So all last week when we were trying to BD and not quite making it (mostly due to my sore throat and Jason's exhaustion), we were a little late. Seems Thursday could be the day when we figure out if we start over or start a whole new chapter of our life! I am hoping for the latter, but also not getting my hopes up. I know people say to "believe" but that is a double edged sword. Either, I "believe" I am pregnant and I get upset when I am not (like the last almost 2 years) or I believe I am not pregnant and then have a self-fulfilling propecy on my hands. Which is right?

Currently feel fine, no pain anywhere (except for the muscles I worked yesterday) and pretty up-beat. We'll see what the week brings.

The greatest gift

The greatest gift was given to me today. One of my best friends, Kim, offered me her uterus, without me even hinting that I might need it. She is one of the women I refer to as my sister and I love her for offering such an intimate part of her body. She has two beautiful boys so I know she is healthy and hers "works" unlike mine at this point. We haven't gotten to that point yet, but just to offer is so amazing! I already refer to her family as my family and jokingly call myself her kids' aunt, but that would definitely solidify our families together, as if we aren't already. I know she thinks about our situation often and prays for us as well. She is one of the reasons I am able to get through all this drama. And I love her (and her entire family - my extended family) greatly! I hope we never have to take her up on this offer, but I know if we get to a point where we need to, we have someone that will help us on this journey.

I love you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much Kimmy!

We walked in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure today. Had to get up at 5:30 am to get there, but we did it. It was great fun. Got to spend the morning with Kim and Becky and Chase (Becky's 2 year old son). We walked 5k (3.2 miles I believe) and then were going to go to breakfast but bailed for naps instead. To see that many people out to fight breast cancer was amazing! Soooo many people! Above is the picture in the shirts we made! Mom Ryan (there I go again with my extended family) and Midji (client and Mom's good friend) have dealt with breast cancer. Both are surviving. Midji is done with chemo, Mom Ryan has 2 more to go through. Both are amazing women! I hope a cure is found for this disease soon! Then I came home (after stopping at Nico's, I was famished) and took a nap. Jason had taped up the stairway wall so we painted this afternoon. Looks great! Next weekend we'll do the other 2 walls we want to do. Long day, but great day!

Thanks Kimmy, love you bunches!

Back to normal...

And it now seems the car saga has ended, well, almost. Insurance has paid for everything, not mine, nimrod's. The only thing left to do is take the truck back to the shop because they painted the bumper shiny black, not flat black like it should have been. Would I have noticed this without my car-savvy husband? Hell no, but that is what he does. So body shop will be fixing that little blunder. But the drama of it all is over. Which I think is good for my stress level and in that effect, my fertility issues.

It always seems to be this week that I don't feel good (by this week I mean OV week) with either a cold (right now my throat is a little sore) or pain in my abdomen. Thankfully haven't had much pain in my abdomen lately. But this week I have had a sore throat, a cold sore and been extremely tired so I haven't worked out much and my belly-button ring is a little infected, I'm so attractive to my hubby I am sure! We'll see what happens come the end of the month. I just looked back at FF and in the past I have OV about day 18 which would have been Monday. That would have been alright seeing as we BD'd on Sun I think. Sad that I can't remember! Just becomes so habit forming!

Now the 2WW wait starts. Still taking the Progesterone and can't stop until I get a negative pregnancy test, even if I am sure AF has shown up. Have to take a test.

Had my 3rd Acupuncture treatment on Thursday evening - our 5th anniversary! I was born on my parent's 5th anniversary, about August last year Mom was really thinking that is why I hadn't gotten pregnant yet, no such luck. Maybe we'll find out around our 5th anniverary. That would be nice. Anyway, back to Acupuncture. It was nice as usual. I love my Acupuncturist. She listens to everything I say and is very careful of my cycle and gives me good advice. Anyone who needs help with anything, I strongly recommend Acupuncture. Thursday evening was one of the first times this week I was less stressed. Jason got a quad for our anniversary and I got a heart necklace with a diamond in it. We picked out our own, just works better that way.

I think we are gonna go out for a nice dinner and then just come home and relax. I took a nap today after Ethan's 3rd birthday party, and it was lovely. Got to see all my "nieces and nephews" and my good friends. I love getting dragged around by little ones - Ryann is one of my favorites. And I LOVE watching Jason interact with them, gives great insight to how he will be as a dad. Just hope that happens soon!

And the truth will set you free...

Here is the video of the guy who hit my car. He can no longer say I hit him! What a jerk!


Now who says he didn't go in reverse? Not me. But just talked to his insurance guy, and it seems "we got our wires crossed" because he told him he didn't say he didn't do it. What a nimrod! I have emails from him to prove he did, but all that really matters is I don't have to pay a dime for fixing my car back to what it was before! And I have video to back up my story! So glad this is on its way to over!

The audacity...

So now the a**hole who will remain nameless (not DH) is claiming I hit him! He is actually harrassing me via email. Little does the pea-brain know that it's all on the building's video system and I have a copy, which has been sent to insurance. And he told me in an email that he was going to change his story. He is so busted and so screwed for life if he gives a false police report. What an idiot! Wish I was a fly on his wall when he learned that little bit of fun!

On to better things, today is our 5th anniversary. Jason got a new quad (for way cheap, only way I would buy it) and I got a beautiful heart diamond necklace (to be delivered soon). We didn't do anything crazy tonight, just watching the video of our wedding, and I did have a couple glasses of wine. But hey, I also had a horrendous week and visited the Acupuncturist today who helped a bunch! So off to bed for "fun stuff." Later!

Crazy Week

Let's just say it has been an insane week! After my car got hit on Monday, dealing with the guy was a nightmare. First he would only tal to my husband, because apparently as a woman I don't know how to deal with these things. And if that couldn't infuriate me, then he wouldn't call me back at all! Wednesday, when I finally tracked him down - went down to his office and got his card and dropped off the estimate - I emailed him very nicely and professionally, only to be told I was "getting pushy" to which I reminded him that he hit me and he needed to take responsibility for it. At that point, the insurance people were called and they have handled it ever since!

Plus being a little sick and the OV week, it has just been insane. I haven't felt terribly well so that doesn't bode well for working out or BDing. So very tired this week! I have been taking the pills the Acupuncturist gave me and they taste AWFUL! Also, taking the pills from the doc and that is interesting. Don't know if they are helping or not, guess we'll find out about the end of the month.

Decided to forgo the gym next month because at $75 a month it isn't cheap, and we'll be gone a good portion of the month so I would only get to go about 7 times, so not worth it. I will work out at home with my Chalene Extreme and try to get back on track there.

Thankfully, going back to the Acupuncturist today so hopefully she can help with picking up some of the pieces and fixing the problems that have come up this week.

Sicky Day

Today was kind of a rough one. Woke up with a really sore throat, so that meant I didn't work out because I felt crappy. Got my work done at home (I love working at home!) and then had some lunch. Was able to rest a bit (on the advice of my boss - thanks Mom!) and now am feeling a little better.

But we're still dealing with the car that got hit yesterday. It will cost the guy about $700 to fix it, plus a rental car for me because the shop will have it for 2 days! I left him a message yesterday, and he actually left a message at the office saying "have your husband call me" because apparently as a woman I know nothing about cars! How infuriating! Jason left him a message and then I did too, saying he needs to call me to discuss this not my husband - if anything, Jason will be rougher on him than me. Still hasn't called back after my message this morning! If he doesn't by 6 pm, guess I will have to call the cops and make a police report and play hard ball! What a jerk!

I'm gonna go lay back down and hope this bug goes away, too busy of a week to be sick!

Not the best day...

My car has a couple gashes in it from the idiot this morning, my throat is sore, my eyes are tired, I am trying to persuade this cold sore to go away, and guess what, tonight we are supposed to BD! Don't I sound inviting? Why is this so hard? I never thought I would complain about having to BD, but when you really aren't in the mood, it isn't fun to "make" yourself do it. I might add, this has nothing to do with my hubby, just my intense desire to crawl into bed and start fresh tomorrow!

Why are Monday's always so rough?

As I hurl my Lean Cuisine into my mouth, I take a minute to reflect on my ... shall we say, intense morning. Besides the regular Monday morning blues of working out and work, right outside my office, I had a guy back into my SUV! He went to scan his card and for whatever reason going in reverse was better than going forward, I happened to be waiting behind him to enter the garage, and bam! he hit me with some pretty good force. I honked at him about 2 seconds before he crashed into me. When he got out, he looked surprised to see me and actually said, "My car usually beeps when something is behind me." I replied back, "Maybe looking is better next time!" So got his info and he will just pay to fix the damage out-of-pocket. That really didn't stop the shaking, or the fact that I had to call my mechanic husband and relay the news to him. I was probably more nervous about telling him than anyone else. Not that he would be mad at me, I didn't do squat wrong, but he is so protective of our vehicles and notices, EVERY ding! So called him when I got upstairs and left him VM, he called back about 5 minutes later and I was in an impromptu office meeting so didnt' answer the phone. You could tell he was concerned because he called about 8 times! Finally was able to call him back and relay that I was fine, but the car needed some help. Texted him the picture - if I knew how to send it here I would. And then the rest of the morning, still getting over my nerves, and racing through my stack to do for the day! Plus I am getting a cold sore - I hate these things, they usually mean I am getting sick or stressed, and my abdomen hurts - so back to wondering if I am Ovulating or just the Endo rearing it's ugly head. Acupuncutre can't come quickly enough this week!

Alright, lunch is gone so time to work again!

No Caffeine, No Alcohol - This isn't fun!

I understand the reason for the "No Caffeine, No Alcohol" rule DURING pregnancy, but this before stuff sucks. If I had been doing this since we started trying, the last 2 years would have been even more stressful! So I am bending the rules a little bit. I bought decaf iced tea that I can brew at home, so at least I have the taste of it, and that is about all the caffeine I drink, other than an occasional cup of coffee, but have decaf of that too. I don't drink alcohol during the week so that isn't a switch, but on the weekend I like a little bit Fri or Sat night. I've cut back on those days, and once I start taking the pills on Day 18 of my cycle, then no alcohol at ALL! That starts tomorrow, and should be interesting.

Went to a friends daughter's 5th birthday party yesterday and it was fun. Having that many children (I think I counted 12 in the house - most about 1-2 years old) is insane! Watching the birthday girl open up presents was exhausting, but fun. So I know I don't want 12 kids, but 1 or 2 could be good. We'll see what happens!

Had some pain last night in my abdomen and now I don't know what to think. That could be from the Endometriosis, or Ovulation, or bladder! Thankfully, we weren't doing anything other than hanging out at a friend's new place and watching a movie. But it still sucks that the pain may be back, especially since with the help of the Acupuncture, I had a week without any!

I guess that is all the excitement in my life today. It's Easter, and our plans consist of waking up late, having breakfast in bed and doing whatever to relax.

Happy Easter all and please remember that this day is about more than a bunny and some colored eggs!

I did remember something good that came out of the doctor's visit when he said no caffeine or alcohol for me...Jason has to clean the kitty litter! YAY!

Healing Mass - Happened in September 2008

This is an exerpt from an email I sent to a friend about my Healing Mass.

You've heard me talk about my mom and her not understanding what I am going through. The last time this happened, I sent her a email telling her never to tell me again to "stop trying." And ever since then she has changed her tune and been very supportive, she is the one taking me to my HSG because Jason can't. So she had asked me if I wanted to go to this Healing Mass with her tonight which happens at their church once a month. I said, sure it couldn't hurt. (I was raised a Catholic and when I went to college, I really stopped going to church - too many late Sat party nights and working on Sundays, well, I haven't quite made it back to church although I talk to God all the time.)

So my Dad picked me up and we went to dinner beforehand because Mass was at 7 pm. So we get there and we're sitting and my Mom meets us and Mass starts. When the first song started being sung, my eyes started to tear. The words just seemed to hit home, but I couldn't tell you now what they were. So Mass continues in the normal style that I am used to. And the Priest is saying the Homily and now tears are streaming down my face, couldn't tell you why. Then he says he did a memorial for a 20 day old baby today and I almost lost it. Then he says he lost his nephew who I think was 10 a year ago Monday and that his biological family and church family came together to heal.

Well right after that, I feel a hand on my shoulder. And I turn to my left, and this woman begins to speak. Here's what she said, "I don't speak English very well. I had a dream about you in this church last night. The only lady in red. (I was wearing a bright red shirt). You will be healed here tonight. The ladies in front of you need to surround you and pray over you and you will be healed tonight." And then she patted me and was gone. So now I am really crying and my Mom heard this. The moment she started talking I was in tears. So we go to get anointed with oil, and we are trying to see who she is because I hadn't seen her face, but I saw she was wearing grey and mom says, "maybe she was your guardian angel." So we get through Mass and I think I figure out who spoke to me, because Mom hadn't seen her either. So Mass ends and we kind of sit there for a minute not knowing what to do. (There were about 8 women wearing purple vests that were from the Healing Ministry sitting in front of us, they were the ones the lady in grey was referring to.) So she had reappeared and I made eye contact and without speaking a word, she pointed to the back corner of the church where one of the women had gone to pray over people. And I pointed at that woman in purple and she nodded. (All the ladies in purple had kind of separated so they could pray with other people). So we sat back there and figured out how to get the circle around me. Another lady in purple opened up, so I went to her and told her what our "illness" was and the story about the dream. She prayed over me for maybe 7 minutes, and then the other lady in purple who the woman in grey had pointed out came over to me - my mom had gone to her. My dad hadn't heard what the woman in grey said, so mom told him and he was amazed.

(My mom said she would talk to the woman who had been pointed to. So she went to her and asked her if she knew about the dream. She said no at first and mom said, "about the lady in red?" And the woman said "YES!" Mom said, "that's my daughter." And the woman said, "So it is her!" Then she came over to me.)

So we decide to wait around and get all the ladies in purple together for this circle at the front of the church. So we walk down to where they are finishing up and my dad starts to tell the story to one of the women, who didn't speak English. So we finally find one who speaks English and my mom tells her the story and she relays it to the women in Spanish. So they set up a chair and I sit down and they all kneel and place their hands on me and begin to pray quietly in English and in Spanish. Then I begin to feel more hands and when I open my eyes, ALL the women in purple are around me. And they pray and I hear various things, some of which I don't understand. Then, they start to sing! Semi-quietly and very beautifully and in unison! And then slowly the hands fall away and it is over. So I stand up and hug them all and the woman that the woman in grey had pointed to comes to me and says, "before Mass we all pray. And I had this feeling that someone really wanted to have a baby here tonight. And I now know it was you! So I prayed for you before I even met you." And then another woman comes up to me and says, "Terresita prayed over you and everyone she prays over gets pregnant." And then we left and Mom drove me home.

So I have literally cried through the whole Mass now which started at 7 pm and we got home about 9! I would say I don't believe it, but it was just so surreal that I can't say that. It was so perfectly put together. The woman in grey had no idea what I was there for or that I was crying because she was behind me! I knew none of these women at all! And the woman in purple didn't know my face, but she knew what I wanted!

So of course, I came home and told Jason who was skeptical, but then he saw how much this had hit me and I think he started to have faith that this could help. He is not Catholic at all and growing up he didn't and still doesn't practice organized religion, but he believes in God. It was just totally surreal and unbelievable and I had to write it down to remember it all! I don't know if I will be healed today or tomorrow or next week or in 3 years, but I feel calmer and truly like there is a higher being helping me through this.

Take what you will from this, but it was an amazing evening!

The Beginning...kind of...

Oh where to begin and how long would that take me?

We started TTC about July 2007. However I don't know if you can call it starting to try then...AF was late and I had a false positive test. So since we couldn't get an answer that we were happy with from the doc, we stopped BC and figured it was God's way of saying "it is time to get started." So we putzed along merrily hoping it would happen on its own. No luck in that respect. So we started going to doctors, being poked and having blood drawn. At one point, I had EIGHT vials of blood drawn and I joked with the nurse that they were going to create a baby that way!! I told that to Jason relating to his ONE test that he had to take and he said, "The reason you need more testing is because you are the factory and I am just the delivery truck." So very true and funny!

So the next step was getting help. My OB put me on Clomid and we really tried for six months, to the point that we got annoyed when it was "time" to BD. One of us was always tired or hurting just when the right time came it seemed. In September I went to a Healing Mass at my parents' church - never been to one but figured it was worth a shot, and it was a great experience. I will post it as my next entry because it was amazing. We were supposed to go to the RE in November, right after my 29th birthday, but decided to postpone it because money was tight with the economy doing crazy things, and we just weren't in a place where we wanted to follow new rules. So we took November, December, January, February and March off. Went to the RE in late March when they put me on Progesterone and said I may have Endometirosis - what fun does that sound like?!?! The following day, AF came and things went haywire! I was in more pain than I have ever had before and thought I was doomed to need surgery to remove the Endo, at a price of about 3 weeks out of commission and $6,000 out of pocket for a surgery for an illness that might not even be there. Didn't sound very fun to me! So I did a little homework and asked my RE about Acupuncture Therapy and if it could help either. He exclaimed "YES!" and I do mean EXCLAIMED! He loved the idea. So off to the Acupuncturist I went last Thursday. Very odd experience, someone sticking you with lots of little needles in important places. But I was giddy when I walked out and the whole next week I didn't have much pain in my abdomen which was new! So now I am a believer for Acupuncture. Had another appointment yesterday and it was wonderful. Hopefully it does its' job and we get prego soon!

That brings everyone who is reading this up to speed. I'm off to find dinner and do some laundry! Happy Weekend!