It finally happened. The hormones arrived. And I haven't even started the big drugs yet. Here's how it all went down....
Mostly a typical day....boot camp, shower, dress for work at home, lunch, more work, and off to WW. Starting to feel tired and just a bit withdrawn. Grocery store and then finally home to make dinner. J was being his normal self and at some point I said that I just felt off and could I have a hug. He obliged and our evening continued.
Started to have a discussion about something and nothing really crazy going on, when all of the sudden my eyes just started dripping. Yup, full fledged crying. Weren't even discussing anything sad, upsetting, etc. Just chatting. So now J is upset that I am crying. And can't stop, no matter what I do. Finally, I lock myself in the bedroom and try to get ready for bed and calm down. I think I figured out why the tears.
Today is May 18th, and a month from today is the day when I am supposed to have embryos transferred into my belly. It felt so far away and now it feels like it's knocking on the door. And I'm scared. Really scared that this won't work. Plus, add in that the hormones are now really starting to take root in my body and you have a crying, blubbering mess.
So went back down stairs and told J what my revelation was. And, again through tears, that I am scared. He, as calm as ever, says he is too but we can't dwell on that. Cried a little bit more. Hugged a little bit more, and finally I can go to sleep.
Wake up this morning, still a little puffy from all the crying last night and debated about going to work out because I was puffy. Finally, opted to go and work out some aggression. Got to the gym and whereas usually I am very loud and happy, I was more than a little subdued. Trainer said "good morning" and I responded back without meeting his eyes. I figured he would know something was up, but he didn't say anything to further aggrivate the situation. Got through my work out and was starting to feel better, showered and ready to go to work now. Popped out and there's Trainer and Meanie Christinie. Meanie says hello and comments on how she loves my outfit and gives me a hello hug. (She had missed out on sad Nikus). Trainer just walked up to me and ever so gently grabbed my hand and squeezed, then walked away. Just to say, "I'm here for ya." Very sweet and much needed, but what did it do?
Reduced me to tears in the car! I swear, the hormones are here!
Thankfully, got to work and with a lot to do was able to throw myself into it and the ladies at my office and Mom put up a "Congratulations" sign for passing CFP so clients know. So that made my day a bit greater! And when I hugged them all, there were no tears.
J texted to see how the rest of the day was going and now I think we're past the tears...although I did tear up a bit recounting this all! Oy, and from here I can only see the hormones getting worse!!
man, you are on such an incredible journey! I can't imagine how hard all this has been for you. I want you to get pregnant SO bad!!! Sometimes I don't understand why some people get pregnant so easily and others do not....or why others terminate pregnancies for the heck of it, when so many people are aching to have a child or adopt a child. I wish I had super encouraging words for you or that something I say could comfort you, but I know that isn't the case. I will tell you that when I think about you, I will say a prayer for your journey...and for a beautiful baby (or two) to grow inside you!! Hugs, Chels
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