First step complete, second step knocking...

I took my last birth control pill this morning.  Yup, last one.  Will still continue to take prenatals and folic acid, but the birth control pills are complete.  That means, we go to the doc for our "injection class" TOMORROW!  Yes, Tuesday.  And then back to Dr. H on Wednesday, for the official start of IVF with blood work and ultrasounds and prescriptions.  We're here!  We are knocking at the door.

So, in preparation for those two appointments I've been baking.  I think I told you of my plan to take goodies with me to Dr. H's office every time I go for Holly H. and the staff.  The point isn't necessarily to make them like me, but more so to make them REMEMBER me.  So when they get test results and they have a huge pile, they call me first.  So the embyologist checks our eggs FIRST!  So when I call, they don't say, "Nikus who?" like they have the past few times. 

J went camping yesterday, so this morning I was a bump on a log and stayed in bed for a long, luxuriously long time before heading down to the kitchen for some serious baking. 

On the left we have Orangies (Paula Deen calls them Orange Brownies, but they don't have any chocolate in them so we call them Orangies.  They have the consistency of brownies, but again, no chocolate.  Very tasty!) and on the right we have Pumpkin Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting (my favorite cake that Mom makes for my birthday if I ask REALLY nicely!)  Do you notice there is a square missing out of each one?  Well....I had to taste them to make sure they were okay...I traded a few ingredients for the healthier version, and it would do me no good to take goodies that tasted horrible!  (Traded egg beaters for eggs, and wheat flour for white, and low fat cream cheese for real cream cheese. STILL GOOD!)

So now we're ready until we get back and have another appointment.  Hopefully will be able to whip something up Monday night for the Tuesday am appointment next week!  I can't believe it is Monday...it totally feels like Sunday!

A little drama in the house today and while it could have gone totally South with J, it didn't.  He backed me up and showed that he is in this for the long haul.  And nobody, NOBODY, gets to rule with an iron fist in June.  June is all about what we need and what works for us.  I couldn't be on this journey with anyone better.  I was ready for saga, but he agreed with me whole-heartedly.  I won't get into details because that's a little personal, even for me, but we're okay.  That's all that matters.  

And we're ready to tackle IVF...together.

**A final note about Memorial Day....please don't let this be the only day that you thank our troops for protecting our freedoms.  Every time you see a soldier, extend your hand or pull them into a hug and say "Thank you."  It is because of them offering up their lives to defend our country, that we have the country we do.  Thank you to all who have ever served, serve now, or will serve in the future.  Your country is proud, appreciative and loves what you do very much!**

Insurance & Vitamins

Laying in bed the other night, I had the bright idea that maybe insurance would cover drugs.  Of course, Holly H. was emailed to ask if the drugs can be used for other things and thus maybe get covered.  Her reply was "no" and "we can't fake it!"  I called our insurance this morning and was very nicely told "no" but that I could "try and submit a claim" and one of the books mentions someone who did submit a claim and got reimbursed.  So we'll try it.  Oh well, but we can still attempt.  The worst they can say is no right and then we are in the same place as we started right?

In other news, a recent study found that if insurance companies chose to cover all infertility benefits - including IVF - the cost to each policyholder would be about $20 a year!  $20 a year!  That's crazy cheap.  Whereas, prenatal care costs insurance companies about 200 times the amount of fertility treatments!  Yet that is covered by many (not ours), but fertility treatments are not.  Who set up this crazy cycle?!

Yes folks, we're on our own for this one.  So want to make sure that we do everything we can to get it to work!

So in that respect, let's discuss vitamins.  I've told you all about my anger towards my prenatals and while I now take them every morning with my birth control pills (which stop on Tuesday), they still aren't my favorite thing.  But this isn't about my affliction to vitamins, it's about J's.

Last year, I was way lucky and won one of Busted Kate's raffles.  It was chock full of fun things...Fertiliaid for J and myself, a fertility bracelet, and a slew of other things.  They've all be dwelling in the cupboard until this point.  Why not use all the best things during the first cycle of IVF right?  So after checking with Holly H., I gave the Fertilitaid Men's Vitamins to J and instructed him to take 3 a day please, per the doc.  This was the beginning of May.  And then I left it alone...I often don't see J all day, but when I would randomly see him in the morning, I would watch him take his pill.  So I thought we were all good.

Cut to last Friday when I picked up the bottle to see if I needed to order more and it felt A LOT heavier than I thought it should have almost a month after beginning to take the pills.  Open it up and the dang thing is three-quarters full!  ARGH!  I started to get really mad!  Now J had said that they thought the vitamins made his stomach hurt, but I really didn't think much of it. And my second thought was, "I don't care if your tummy hurts, this is important and nothing compared to the shots that I will do next month. Suck it up!"

He doesn't like to take pills, and these happen to be horse pills...so because he finds them difficult to swallow, he was cutting them open and putting them in his morning protein shake!  First off, eww!  Second, that's why his stomach was hurting is what I thought.  But after that first notion and my idea to actually EAT something before taking the pills, I never heard anything about it.  So I emailed Holly H. again and asked if I could look for different pills that he could take, and what they needed.  Also, what would he have to do to not take them.

So when he came home last Friday, I asked him, "when was the last time you took one of these?"  Knowing he was busted, he said, "at least a couple weeks.  They upset my stomach!"  I replied, "I wish you had said something earlier, because now we've lost all that time!"  I told him I had emailed Holly H. but as she wasn't responding (found out later she was at a convention in San Fran), he needed to take them.  He got a little upset, but realized I was right.  So downstairs we went and he pulled one out.  Now remember, he is supposed to take 3 a day!  To me that means, all at once.  I watched him take the first one and then said, "aren't you supposed to take 3?"  He got a little heated at that moment and said, "not all at once" and read me the bottle.  To which I replied, "so you've been taking them at lunch and dinner too?"  And with that, he zipped it, knowing he was not only busted but wrong!

Holly H. finally emailed me back on Monday and said J could stop the pills if he did the following:
1. Gave up soda entirely
2. Gave up beer entirely
3. Gave up all fast food, junk food, etc.
4. Only ate veggies, fruits, whole grains and healthy meat

So when J came home on Tuesday, I relayed the following message to him...
"Holly H. says you can stop the vitamins IF you do the following..." (his eyes got all bright) and I told him the above directions.  First words out of his mouth were, "I'll take the vitamins."  And since then he's been very good.  You can bet I've asked him every day if he got all 3 doses, but he's done very good.

We're on track now.  And Tuesday is our first appointment for our injection class.  My plan is to take goodies so Holly H. likes me more, and doesn't get frustrated with all my question.  I'd like to say I'll take goodies to all of our appointments, but I can't promise.  As this office is pretty healthy based, I have to try and make them pretty healthy snacks...so we'll see how long I can hold out.  But at least for the big appointments!

Here we go....

Oh to be a parent, how your life will change

Yesterday a strange realization hit me.  Trainer's Wife went into labor with their first child and after seeing the pictures pop up and hearing they had a beautiful bouncing baby boy, it hit me that their lives are about to change in a huge way.

First, let's show off the pictures because they are too precious not to.

Here is Trainer's Wife, Lil Trainer, and Trainer in their first "family" picture.  And Lil Trainer is even giving up a wave to the camera.  How precious is this?

Trainer and Lil Trainer.  So precious, especially because you can tell Trainer has been crying and is so in love with his son already!

 

Quite possibly the best idea ever.  After they stamped Lil Trainer's feet for the birth certificate, Trainer had them stamp his t-shirt.  What a great memory and an idea I think I'll steal!

Now you have seen this sweet family and their newest addition.  It's hard not to just want to put Lil Trainer in my purse and wander out with him.  But the hospital has a lock down on all of that...there's all kinds of safety devices in order to make sure Lil Trainer doesn't wander off, and if somehow he gets past all the security devices, finding the door will keep him holed up in the hospital for hours!  Literally got lost going to find them when I went to visit yesterday!

So back my revelation.  Their lives are going to change drastically!  I don't know why I identified this yesterday.  I have plenty of friends who have kids.  One kid. Two kids.  Super-Mom has 3 with number 4 baking in the belly right now!  Their lives have all changed, but for some reason Lil Trainer's birth made much more of an impact on me.  

Maybe it is because I see Trainer a lot at the gym, and how involved he is in his business.  I know Trainer's Wife is also very involved with her business.  They also have a very active social life.  Finding a day in our schedules to grab dinner is usually a month in the works (coincidentally we were due to have dinner Friday and seeing as how Lil Trainer was born 3 weeks early, I don't think that will work tonight).  So this lil guy is going to throw a wrench in everything.  But a very loved and happy wrench!!

Maybe it is because I identify with Trainer and Trainer's Wife a lot.  They both are amazing people.  Driven.  Strong.  Supportive.  They've been our "friends without kids," and now there really aren't any friends that we have, as a couple, without children.  It is just us.  Hopefully that changes soon, but it won't change overnight...best bet, 10 months!  

Maybe it is because IVF is starting and is at our front door knocking away.  And that makes parenthood a real reality for us.  We've been trying so hard to get pregnant and I know pretty exactly how it works, technically.  Not for us obviously.  But once we bridge the gap of getting pregnant, we're in uncharted waters. 

Maybe it's that we are finally ready and it was a whisper (as Oprah calls it) from God telling me this little adventure will work.  I've never really worried about what will happen when we get pregnant.  I wouldn't say I am worried now, but I am definitely trying to figure out how our lives will change when it happens.

And a quick note about Oprah since I brought her up.  I don't know if anyone watched her last 3 shows, but J and I did.  Yup, he wanted to.  I DVR'd them and we watched together.  The surprise shows were great, but the best was the last show.  Just Oprah talking and thanking and loving.  She said one thing that really resonated with me.  

(Email viewers, please click here to watch the video at the blog.) The first five minutes are what hit me (but watch the whole video).  

She asks "What is your passion?  What is your calling?"

I know my Mom's calling was to do what she does for work.  While I enjoy this work and the things it allows me, currently I wouldn't call it my calling.  My calling is to be a mother.  That is truly my calling.  My passion.  To raise a child.  That is my calling and what I want to do with my life.  

And it is time.  That's why I had this revelation.  It is OUR time!

IVF Brain

I know there is such a thing as "Pregnancy Brain," but is there such a thing as IVF Brain?  For those of you unaware (this is all based on what I've heard, not experienced), "Pregnancy Brain" just means that the pregnant lady is a bit forgetful and I've also sometimes heard a bit clumsey.  I think I've contracted IVF Brain.  But it's different than Pregnancy Brain.  Here's what I have been experiencing:

One.  Every date that I think about is in relation to our IVF schedule.  Someone wants to go to lunch in June, my response is, "no doc appointments that day, but that could change and that's 3 days after I start drugs, and 10 until eggs come out."  Now most of that goes on in my head, but depending on the person, sometimes I say it.  EVERYTHING is based around our IVF dates.  And soon "times" I'm afraid.  That will be interesting while we're in Phoenix at the wedding...have questions to as Holly H. about drugs being refrigerated, etc.

Two.  Everything I feel relates to drugs - presently birth control.  I've been a bit headache-y and emotional lately, and after a quick email with Holly H., it's been determined that that relates to the birth control (and stress of the upcoming cycle).  But it also relates to other things.  I get a mild cramp and my first thought is, "Oh no, what's going on down there?!"  I'm also E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D!

Three.  I feel a bit forgetful or just off kilter.  Like my brain and body can only handle so much, and since IVF takes priority, everything else goes out the window.  Things take a little bit longer to comprehend at work some days, but then not other days.  I can't get my fidngers fingers to work right...see!  (That just happened, no joke!) And I can't find anything...presently, my mp3 player is missing, I couldn't remember if I locked my car yesterday or today, I forgot to pack my lunch today, and who knows what else!

Four.  We already hit emotions a bit, but it bears saying again.  Have teared up at the most inopportune times and as Melslaw said yesterday, "you are already a crier!" so I am more than a bit worried about spedning spending June in tears over non-descript items! 

Five.  I'm nervous.  I'll be moving along fine in my day and one of these recollections stops me cold realizing that June starts next week, and with that IVF.

There you have it folks...IVF Brain...now what was I going to do next?

The Path of IVF - in 7 easy steps!

Hello Bleaders....are you seeing that I have a lot on my mind lately?

It's come to my attention that even though I may have discussed our series of appointments, I haven't really discussed the actual process of IVF.  So that's what today's post is about...what actually happens next month?

First step, take birth control pills for a set time (yup, that's where we currently are).  Now so many people look at me like I just sprouted another head when I say that's the first step.  "Isn't that the opposite of what you want to do?!"  They ask.  Thinking I knew what I was talking about, I said, "I think it's so we get to a baseline and make sure there are no cysts in there."  I was partly right.  This is the precursor to IVF apparently.  According to The Couple's Guide to In Vitro Fertilization, this "grants the RE a tighter rein on the their patients' treatment by determining the start of menstruation, which usually determines the start of IVF.  In addition, research suggests that it helps prevent ovarian cysts from forming and lays the groundwork for successful egg development."  See, partly right.  But then the other book IVF: The Wayward Stork, "Many women start the IVF process by taking birth control pills to prevent ovulation and allow the ovaries to rest" and to "improve egg quality."  So right about now my little ovaries are sleeping...man are they in for a rude wake up in about 14 days!

That brings us to our first couple appointments.  May 31st we go to Dr. H's to meet with Holly H. and have our "injection class".  Yup, they teach us  me how to inject myself.  J is not a fan of needles.  I'm not really either, but I do WAY better than he does.  We'll revisit this more a bit later.  Holly H. will also go over the crazy chart she gave me which she loving refers to as my "protocol."  It details all the drugs I'll be taking, but I have yet to understand it.  We go back on June 1st for our first IVF appointment with Dr. H (and our first payment!).  Here, they will do some blood work on J and myself, and I get a "fun" ultrasound to see how things look prior to any drugs.  They figure out our dosages for drugs for the next few days, but I don't officially start drugs until June 3rd I think.

That brings us to step 2: suppression and developing eggs - it gets a little hazy here.  According to the books and reading off my protocol, I start an injection into my thigh once a day but the books say something different than my protocol so not quite sure exactly.  Obviously protocol is more tailored to me, Follistim (which simulates the ovaries) is the drug I take first...an injection, somewhere.  This begins to "awaken the eggs" and get them developing with superovulatory drugs.

Now usually when a woman ovulates, she pops out one, maybe 2 eggs.  We're shooting for 10-20 eggs...so you can imagine that I'll probably feel bloated.  I relate it to a chicken and her eggs!  Very full!  Which I anticipate will make me uncomfortable.  Throughout this process, there are another 2 or more appointments with Dr. H depending on how I am doing...they may change drugs, reduce/increase dosages, etc.  Every appointment, I'll have blood work done and another ultrasound.  As we get close to ovulation, they'll give me my trigger shot.  I've done this before.  It is a shot you do about 36 hours before the retrieval.  It allows the eggs to go through their final stage of maturation and loosens the attachment of each egg from the follicle wall that it is growing in.  We may have to take antibiotics here, not quite sure, to make sure that we don't have bacteria.

Step 3: Retreival!  This is the day that I have been instructed to take off from work.  J takes me to the doc very early and they'll give me an anesthesia.  Because anesthesia was mentioned, I thought this meant that there would also be an incision, but nobody ever talked about how to care for that or anything, so I was confused.  Thankfully, I was wrong.  As I sleep, a "special syringe is inserted through lady land and gently sucks the mature eggs out of their follicles" while being watched with the ultrasound machine.  Supposed to take about 20 minutes, but then the other book says several hours...we'll see about that.  Meanwhile, J is off on his own generating his sample.  When I come out, they'll tell us how many eggs they got.  Then it's off to home for me where my Mom and Mama K will tag team babysitting while J goes to work.  I'm a little worried about being home all day by myself, just because I remember watching Guiliana (on Guiliana and Bill) have some issues, and having to be in bed all day.  So need to make sure I have some warm bodies around if something goes awry...and J is just down the road at work.  Don't get excited, I still have drugs to take.  No rest for the needles just yet.

That brings us to step 4: Fertilization of the eggs.  The doc or some highly paid, highly educated (I hope), lab technician will put the eggs and the spermies together - this is called Intracytoplasmic Sperm Insemination or ISCI and Assisted Hatching - which hopefully get us past the fertilization hurdle.  They will develop in petri dishes (after all, In vitro fertilization is Latin for "fertilization under glass" because petri dishes used to be glass...now the are plastic, yes I knew this off the top of my head!).  So the eggs are developing into embryos hopefully and we'll get updates about how they are doing.  Some may be excellent, some may be good, some may be poor, and some may simply dissolve.  Let's hope for lots of excellents!!!

Now, big guns, step 5: Embryo Transfer (tentatively set for the day AFTER the wedding - no not my wedding - just my friend's wedding that I am in).  This day could move.  Forward...to Monday, or Tuesday, but not backwards to Saturday...I asked!  They'll tell us how many embryos are good, and what they want to put in, no more than 2 though.  Probably even give us pictures to take home.  This procedure is very similar to the IUI.  I lay on the table and they insert the embryos into my uterus.  Then I lay there for about 30 minutes, go home and lay down some more.  IUI (we did 3 of these in 2009) was mini-IVF, not as many drugs, more hope that the spermies would find the egg...here we give them directions and the keys to the castle, and make sure they get in the door before driving away.

Step 6: Prepare the uterus and the two week wait.  This whole time I have been taking a variety of drugs, but especially Progesterone to thicken the lining of my uteran wall.  Apparently, these are the worst injections because the drug is oily and goes into a muscle.  GREAT!  J may have to do this injection because it's in my bootie!  We'll see how that goes down.  The two week wait isn't much fun.  Just waiting. Hoping. Praying.  And more waiting!

Step 7: Pregnancy test.  I go to the doc's and they'll do a blood pregnancy test.  I also took this day off from work.  I just didn't want to get the results there, good or bad.  But this process doesn't end here...it only means that we could be pregnant.  If the numbers look right, they'll continue to monitor me until they are sure and get a heart beat.  Sometimes the drugs can still be in your system too that create a false pregnancy.   (I don't know how blogging will go down during this time...too many family/friends read the blog and this is NOT how they'll get told.)  So if I go silent, please understand we're waiting and I'm at a loss for words...doesn't happen often!

From there we have a couple options:
1) We're pregnant and we progress that way - this is the optimum choice!
2) We're not pregnant - we do another round of IVF depending on if we have embryos to freeze or not, or we take a break, or we move on to surrogacy.  Kind of depends how this cycle went and what Dr. H thinks.

So there you have it folks...$9,000, pages and pages of IVF books, and tons of doctor education broken down to a very long post on IVF.  Wish us well.  We're not far off now...7 days until appointment #1.

IVF Care Package

I know this process will be rough.  And I know I have great people around me....but I didn't know they were this great!

Volleyball Queen told me a couple days ago that she had sent me a package.  I asked if it was her son and she said he wouldn't fit in the box, but I'd enjoy it.  So not only have I opened the box, but I got to anticipate it too.  Although, she led me a bit astray when she said, "Don't forget to feed Shamu, or Sea World will get mad."  So I kind of thought it was a stuffed animal...boy was I wrong.

When I got home on Wednesday and found the box, this is what I pulled out.

The card was very great and will be kept.  Just saying things like "I'm here for you" and "wish you well."  But my favorite part had to be the labels on everything.  So personalized and made me smile and giggle out loud when I read each one!

This was the first thing I pulled out...Golden Swimmers...or Goldfish to the layman.  ;)

J-E-L-L-O!  How can I get through IVF without a little jello?!  I can't!

Most random book ever that will provide hours of laughter!

Trashy magazines and a great funny movie for down time and more laughs - oh sorry, to distract!

It's a tie for what is my favorite between this and the next thing down...she made a mix CD of songs she liked listening to during their trying times.  How awesome is Volleyball Queen?!

But I think this is my favorite.  I don't know how much I mention nachos and wine on the blog, but on FB that is my go to meal after a hard day at the office and Volleyball Queen knows it.  So since I can't have wine and she can't mail nachos, the next best thing was Nacho Cheese flavored Doritos!

I was beyond blown away.  This is one of the best presents I have ever received.  Not because it cost a whole lot of money but there was so much thought and caring put into it.  It really hit my heart strings and made me feel truly loved.  And after the hormones hit on Tuesday, it really lifted my spirits.  You can bet all these post its will be saved in the baby book!!!  So of course I had to document it all on the blog before everything got eaten!!

Volleyball Queen...you know I love you and I'm grateful for you every day.  Thank you for all your support through "big nasty" and IVF.  Someday our babies will play, someday soon!  LOVE YOU SOOOOOO MUCH!!!

I'm going to bed a happy lady tonight!  <3 I cannot express how happy I am right now!

Make way....the hormones are here!

Hello dear Bleaders. 

It finally happened.  The hormones arrived.  And I haven't even started the big drugs yet.  Here's how it all went down....

Mostly a typical day....boot camp, shower, dress for work at home, lunch, more work, and off to WW.  Starting to feel tired and just a bit withdrawn.  Grocery store and then finally home to make dinner.  J was being his normal self and at some point I said that I just felt off and could I have a hug.  He obliged and our evening continued. 

Started to have a discussion about something and nothing really crazy going on, when all of the sudden my eyes just started dripping.  Yup, full fledged crying.  Weren't even discussing anything sad, upsetting, etc.  Just chatting.  So now J is upset that I am crying.  And can't stop, no matter what I do.  Finally, I lock myself in the bedroom and try to get ready for bed and calm down.  I think I figured out why the tears.

Today is May 18th, and a month from today is the day when I am supposed to have embryos transferred into my belly.  It felt so far away and now it feels like it's knocking on the door.  And I'm scared.  Really scared that this won't work.  Plus, add in that the hormones are now really starting to take root in my body and you have a crying, blubbering mess. 

So went back down stairs and told J what my revelation was.  And, again through tears, that I am scared.  He, as calm as ever, says he is too but we can't dwell on that.  Cried a little bit more.  Hugged a little bit more, and finally I can go to sleep.

Wake up this morning, still a little puffy from all the crying last night and debated about going to work out because I was puffy.  Finally, opted to go and work out some aggression.  Got to the gym and whereas usually I am very loud and happy, I was more than a little subdued.  Trainer said "good morning" and I responded back without meeting his eyes.  I figured he would know something was up, but he didn't say anything to further aggrivate the situation.  Got through my work out and was starting to feel better, showered and ready to go to work now.  Popped out and there's Trainer and Meanie Christinie.  Meanie says hello and comments on how she loves my outfit and gives me a hello hug.  (She had missed out on sad Nikus).  Trainer just walked up to me and ever so gently grabbed my hand and squeezed, then walked away.  Just to say, "I'm here for ya."  Very sweet and much needed, but what did it do?

Reduced me to tears in the car!  I swear, the hormones are here!

Thankfully, got to work and with a lot to do was able to throw myself into it and the ladies at my office and Mom put up a "Congratulations" sign for passing CFP so clients know.  So that made my day a bit greater!  And when I hugged them all, there were no tears.

J texted to see how the rest of the day was going and now I think we're past the tears...although I did tear up a bit recounting this all!  Oy, and from here I can only see the hormones getting worse!!

One pack down, half to go

Hello fair Bleaders. 

Every week I punch out the birth control pills into my little weekly pill container and then add a prenatal and 2 folic acid to each day's slot.  Plus my phone is set to go off so I don't forget to take any of the pills.  Yesterday, I punched out the last of the first pack of birth control pills (BCP)!  And of course I kept it!  Odd, I know.  But whenever we get preggers, it all goes in the baby book.

Thus far I haven't had any side effects that I can tell.  I don't feel bloated.  But I do know I've been eating more.  So getting on the scale this morning wasn't a welcome number.  I partly blame the pills, but mostly I blame myself. I've been going a little crazy with all the celebrating from passing "big nasty."  Last week I had 3 people take me to lunch.  Not that I am complaining, but it definitely adds to the scale!!  So now we're back to eating right and making sure the gym gets hit...except this morning I was still so sore from Saturday, that I slept in. 

I was catching up on that new show I like, Pregnant in Heels and this week Rosie (the main character) is meeting with a couple who needs to get married before she pops the baby out in 4 weeks and another woman who really wants to have a portrait painted of her sitting on her horse, with her pregnant belly, and nothing else on! 

So let's start with the first woman who wants to get married before they pop out the babe.  She's a bit older and found her hubby later in life, so she had her eggs frozen years ago and as soon as he proposed they proceeded with IVF.  I can understand her timetable.  But then, the family started to push them to get married before the baby is born.  Okay, nothing too crazy.  But she also now has gestational diabetes, so Rosie takes a quick peek around her place to help her eat better, because she gained 80 lbs with her pregnancy!  80!  And she blames most of it on the fertility drugs!  Ummm....no! 80 lbs!  That's insane!  And she's only about five foot two.  There's candy and cupcakes everywhere and she "claims" that she just likes "how things look in her cupboards".  But when Rosie questions her about a cupcake a couple days later that now has bites out of it and she said she was going to toss it because it was stale, she quips, "but I tasted it and it wasn't!"  Anyway, she sucessfully gets married, although not without drama and then has a perfect little baby...a 7 lb baby!  I will not gain 80 lbs, I swear!!!

Now the second lady I was really pulling for.  She had lost her mom when she was rather young and was terrified that it would happen to her baby, that she would pass away too early.  She's a zoo keeper and clearly connects with the animals a lot, but is worried she won't connect with her child.  Rosie talks to her and helps her realize that she'll be close to her baby because she's already a mommy to her furry zoo-kids.  Then, she goes into pre-mature labor (before her painting has been done) and has a beautiful baby.  Now this little lady probably gained only 20 lbs during her pregnancy, and when Rosie sees her a few weeks afterwards, her stomach has returned to it's previous flatness (literally, flat as a board!) for the photo.  What a difference from the first lady!  The portrait is done, only this time she's holding the baby (not while on the horse, the artist just made it look that way) and did I mention that it is a surprise to her hubby and will be revealed at a gallery opening?  Oy...that's a little much for me.  But he ended up liking it and it now hangs in their bedroom. 

Two very interesting stories.  Makes me feel a bit less crazy.  But also teaches me that even when I get pregnant, I really still need to watch what I eat so I don't double in size and then only produce a 6 lb baby, with the rest of whatever weight I gain sticking with me!  So as I got on the scale this morning and the number was less than desirable, you know that I thought, "wow, and we haven't even started the real drugs yet."  I'll continue to monitor it to see if it's up just from a weekend full of eating, but for sure go back to my healthy habits. 

Have a wonderful week folks!

Another step in the journey, or should I say a "kick-step"?

Hello dear ones...I'm here!  Nothing dramatic this week after the migraine, just business as usual.  Oh, did I mention that I took my first ever kick boxing class this morning and I didn't die?!  Yes, let's discuss that.

Earlier this month, groupon.com had an offer for 3 kick boxing classes and 1 training session at a different gym for $19. I've been pondering something like this for a while, so it was a great opportunity to try it out.  I bought it and have been a little intimidated to take my first class.  J was heading out camping this morning so I figured I would go to the 11 am Women's Kickboxing class.  I called yesterday and was told to come at 10:30 for my training session and then I could stay for the 11 am class.

Up and ready in just enough time, eating a piece of bread and an apple on my way there.  Got in and after chatting with the front desk guy, it was time to "wrap my hands."  You heard right, wrap my hands.  It's right about now that I am realizing I may be in over my head.  I picked pink wraps.  Girly right?  The front desk guy, Doug, hands me off to another guy to wrap my hands.  Another incredibly fit guy.  This process is a bit complex and I'm supposed to remember what I am doing for next time.  He then proceeds to lead me through all the punches.  Apparently, in the class, they don't refer to them as the punch name but rather their number in the order.  So that took about 15 minutes to go through the 8 different kinds of punches.  Now I am noticing that more women are starting to show up and we're getting close to class time.  I was sure that all the women would be incredibly fit, but as it turns out only the instructor and maybe 3 others are.  The others probably have more weight to lose than me.  So maybe this won't be so bad?

First up, jump rope.  (Side note: I was on a jump rope team when I was in elementary school and Trainer and Meanie Christinie seem to love this exercise, so while I'm not a pro I can hold my own.)  Six full minutes of jump rope...okay, that's a lot of jumping.  But as I watch myself in the mirror, I notice that while there are parts that I don't like to see jiggle, there are less than I would have guessed...yay me!  Oh, forgot to mention that there's a clock in the front of the room that times the different exercises...that's how I know it was 6 minutes.  My feet really started to hurt about half way through...guess it's time to roll my arches again on the ice cold water bottle...fun fun!  Jump ropes down, sip of water, and outside for sprints.  Wait, say what?!  We're supposed to box, not sprint!

We walk down to the road and run about 50 feet, sorry, sprint in teams, since there were too many of us to all run at once.  Of course, I'm in the group with the two size two chickies.  Great!  We take of sprinting and they both beat me, but I'm not far behind...YAY!  We do 5 sets.  By the last one, they're panting and I'm breathing heavy, but not terrible.  We jog back in and pick up our gloves.  Yup, boxing gloves now.  Now, it's time to pick a hanging bag to hit.  There's probably 25 around the perimeter of the room.  The instructor calls out numbers and that's the punch you do.  But really she's calling out a series of numbers like "1, 2, 3, 2, 4!"  That's how we know which punch to do.  I'm pretty good on 1-4, it's 5-8 that I can't remember!  We do that for about 6 minutes, then grab water.  Now it's time for open time, meaning we just punch or kick the bag, then she'll yell something and we do that for one rep...like a burpee (jump up, hands to the floor, jump your legs out, jump legs in, jump up again).  So that's another 5 minutes.  Next, it's partner time.  One partner grabs a bag and the other one has a combination they hit the bag with, including 5 kicks on each leg when she yells.  That's 3 minutes, then we switch.  The lady I am with is in her 2nd class, so we're even matched. 

Then, we switch back again and do a kicking series.  1 kick on one side, 1 kick on the other, 2 kicks on one side, 2 kicks on the other, all the way to 10 kicks on one side, 10 on the other.  My butt will be sore tomorrow!  Switch again, and partner's turn to kick me.  Now we're done with partner, and time for medicine ball work out.  Bicep curls with the ball, tricep curls with ball, good mornings with the ball (a good morning is holding the ball at your chest and bending forward with straight back, then back up) etc.  But at the end of every set, you hold the ball out for 10 seconds.  Sound easy?  I dare you to try it after your arms are tired!  Finally, she says lay on your stomach.  Then we do swimming for a minute.  That's holding your arms and legs up, til she says kick and move your arms for 10 seconds, then hold, etc.  After that's done, she says roll over.  We all had the same thought - "no, this position is good!"  Nobody moved, hoping she didn't notice!!  She laughed and we slowly rolled over.  A little ab work that was way hard, and finally those blissful words - "Stretch, class is over!" 

Finally get up for some water and to take my hand wraps off.  I can't believe I survived.  I'm drenched with sweat and a little tingly (which worries me for tomorrow) but I feel pretty good.  The people that I thought were in better shape then me looked the same, and one of the girls I ran with didn't even do the rest of the workout....hmm?  YAY for Nikus! 

I start talking to the other newbie who I was working out with and her name is Holly.  The first words out of my mouth were, "Your last name isn't Hutchison is it?"  She laughs and says no.  I tell her about Holly H. and that I've been emailing her but never met her.  We start comparing workout schedules and they're pretty similar.  She does boot camp, and spinning and decided to add this.  I tell her about boot camp, and the gym and that I swim in the summer.  So we talk about that because she wants to swim.  So she may come with me next week.  She heads off and with the last of my strength, I grab my purse and head for the car, dropping my gloves at the front desk.

Doug is taking to a woman and he asks what I thought.  I tell him I liked it and I'm tired.  He asks if I'll come back.  I say I'd like to come next Saturday.  He asks about long term and (trying to be vague) I say, "well, I've got a thing next month so not then, but after that's over I might, but not for a while."  He looks confused and I feel bad, I don't want him to think I'm brushing him off.  So I finally say, "my husband and I are trying to get pregnant, and next month the doctor is helping...we're starting IVF.  All the jumping and kicking each other in class, probably isn't a good thing next month or during pregnancy, but after that I could totally see coming back to get back in shape.  Probably more than you wanted to know."  He laughs.  The lady looks excited and says congratulations.  He says, "you're the second one to tell me that.  No worries.  See you next week!"

Apparently, my life revolves around IVF now.  It's always on my mind. 

I must head out Bleaders.  I'm trying out a church tonight.  I really want to have our child baptized, but need a church to do that.  So now my mission is begun.  Trying one tonight, and maybe one that I have been thinking about tomorrow after swimming.  J said he would go more often if it was Sunday morning, rather than Saturday night.  So we'll see what happens.

Keep you posted!  Happy Weekend loves!

Let us begin

Hello dearest Bleaders.  It's been an entertaining week.  Yesterday it was really windy in T-town and my allergies decided to have a party.  They were ridiculous, no matter how many drugs I took.  And this morning, I woke up with a lovely migraine due to all the pressure from the allergies I think.  So here I lie in bed, checking email and blogging.  I'm sure there's a nap in my future today.

I bought a book a long time ago called IVF: The Wayward Stork.  It's a tiny book, 70 pages, just about IVF.  Quick and blunt, this is how you'll feel and this is what will happen...kind of a "IVF for Dummies" book.  Literally read the thing in an hour and folded down many pages to reference next month and I gave it to J even though it is definitely written for a woman because it's the quick and dirty of IVF.  There was one part that really stuck with me and I'd like to share it with you. 

I know that IVF will be an emotional roller coaster for myself and J.  From the outside (and even J) people may feel helpless.  These two pages talked about what people could do for you from the outside.  I intend to forward the email version of this post to people who don't read the blog.  So here goes....

IVF: The Wayward Stork, What to expect, who to expect it from and surviving it all...by Serah A. Tursi, M.S.W., Lea McCarthy.

"Please treat me as though I am in a crisis. I am.  I can and will cry at the drop of a hat.  I am sad, angry, scared, excited, hopeful, worried and nervous.

Please DO NOT tell me that you know how I feel unless you, yourself, have endured an IVF cycle.  This is more difficult on me than you know.

Please treat me with kid gloves, as I am hanging on by a very thin emotional thread.

Please see that everything is not business as usual in my life, household, and heart.

Please call, write or send me an email.

Please give me books or magazines that I can leave in my car for reading during endless streams of medical waiting rooms that I will visit over the next month.

Please bake, cook, or order in food for my household.  We need to eat and I am out of commission.

Please permit me a clear calendar and excuse my lack of involvement in other activities, as my days are filled with tests, results, endless appointments, phone calls, decisions, physical discomfort, and fatigue.

Please offer to go with me to an appointment or even drive me there.

Please excuse my lack of interest in everything else.  Remember what I said about crisis?

Please give me permission to do what I need to do, be it laugh, cry, sit around, or be really, really active in something.

Please help out around my house by washing a few dishes, vacuuming a room, or taking my dogs for a walk.  Remember that my husband is overwhelmed and in need of support as well.

Please let me know that you are supporting me even if the cycle tanks.  That is my biggest fear and the hardest thing to talk about.

Please remind me that I am strong enough to endure this, as I am sure to forget along the way.

Please don't ask me if I am pregnant.  If and when that occurs, I will sing it from the highest roof top."

Yes, some of these sound a little crazy and a little out there, but I have no idea what I am getting myself into.  Sure, I have read the books, the blogs, the articles, but I haven't been there.  I may feel this way for the whole month of June, for a week, or for a minute, but I feel like it's entirely possible at some point that I'll feel as described above. 

I don't know what the next month will bring.  Yes, I am excited.  I have good intentions.  I want to eat healthy, exercise, get plenty of sleep and not stress in June.  But I'm pretty sure all of those things will go out the window at some point, hopefully not at the same point.  At this point the only real things happening in June is IVF (many doctor's appointments, injections, acupuncture appointments, and I'm in a friend's wedding, which happens to be the day before my slated embryo transfer day.  So a little stress there, but I think that will be okay.  I'm not a bridesmaid, just doing a reading in the ceremony so I'm very grateful that I don't have to worry about as much as a bridesmaid might.  I'm hopeful that I can hold it together during that reading as I am a crier to begin with, and add in all the fertility drugs and nobody may be able to understand the verse I am reading. Let's hope! 

But I'm also fearful.  I feel kind of like I did with "big nasty."  However I have even less control over this, even though it is my body.  With "big nasty" I could study and read and prep.  With IVF, I'm just the body.  I can take the meds at the right time, eat healthy, exercise, sleep, and try to stay de-stressed, but I can't control the outcome.  They say to be "cautiously optimistic."  You need to be excited and ready to be pregnant, but you need to be prepared if you aren't.  How difficult is that to plan out?! 

I've already learned that I can't really read IVF books before bed because then I have IVF filled dreams and I'm only on week two of BC (birth control).  This makes things difficult because that is really my only time to read, right before bed.  The next book is The Couples Guide to In Vitro Fertilization.  It's a lot more than 70 pages.  But I am hoping it helps me understand a lot of the intricacies of the process.

Okay, that's enough for now.  Time to try and close my eyes and get this migraine to go away.  I needed to get this out because I was writing it in my head as I tried to go back to sleep and willed my migraine to go away.  And thus, I wasn't going back to sleep.

Thanks for your constant support Bleaders!  I really do appreciate all the love and support you give.

To bed, I said!

Mother's Day - part 2

So I couldn't get the darn audio file to post, so here's the letter for you to read.  Stupid computer that is smarter than me! ;)

94.9 MIX FM – Mom of the Day for Monday, May 14^th, 2007 is Beth

When I was a teenager, my Mom and I didn't see eye-to-eye!  In fact, we fought very often!  When I was in college, we got along a lot better, but there were many times of disagreement and struggle.  When I moved to Denver for 3 years with my husband-to-be and needed a friend a couple days a week because I was homesick, we became best friends. 

Now, that I live in Tucson again with my husband, we are not only best friends, but we are business partners.  My Mom helps senior citizens live out their financial dreams and enjoy their retirement.  She works hard, and sometimes she doesn't get to play a lot, because she is so focused on being there for so many people. 

I am an only child, so I had to rely on my friends to enlarge my family, and I got in the habit of "adopting" mothers.  My Mom always teased that she and my Dad chose to only have one child, and I chose to have many mothers.  She also teased that I adopted other mothers because there was some void that she couldn't fill.  There was never any void I needed to fill - my Mom was everything I ever needed and I know she always will be. 

When I was in 6th grade, we were asked who our heroes were and I wrote about my Mom.  That feeling has never changed - even in the challenging years. 

I hope to one day be as strong, intelligent, driven and respected as she is.  I hope you choose my Mom to be a Mom of the Day, because it would not only make her day, but it would make mine! I love you very much MOM!

Thank you,

Nikus

Mother’s Day – Sunday, May 13^th, 2007

Beth surprised on the radio by Bobby & Brad – Monday, May 14^th, 2007 at 8:06 am

She was very surprised and had actually been listening to the radio when they called her.  It was a great way to end Mother's Day weekend.

And one more quick note, I got to the office this morning and not only did I have a card from my staff congratulating me about passing "big nasty" but I also had a card from MBM saying Happy Mother's Day.  Very sweet and appreciated. 

I also emailed Holly H. at Dr. H's office to let her know we would most definitely be moving forward because my test was passed and she replied, "YIPPIE!"  Here we go...maybe next Mother's Day, there will be a card from my son or daughter!  Here's hoping!

Have a wonderful week folks!

Mother's Day

Mother's Day can be a hard one for us Infertiles, but this year was different.

First, I'm still on a high from passing "big nasty."  Still floating on air and amazed.  I was driving down the road today and just out of the blue I said out loud, "I can't believe I passed!  I don't have to take it again!"  WOW!

Second, I got 2 Mother's Day cards.  Yes indeed-y-do, I got 2!  One from BFF in Phoenix and one from Mama K, on Friday...same mail day as "big nasty" scores.  Course, I opened the letter about "big nasty" first, but after I had calmed down from all of that, I could open these beautiful cards.  Mama K's was very sweet and sentimental telling me what a great friend I am and I was in her thoughts, and BFF in Phoenix's was just plain funny.  First off, cover has shoes all over it...my favorite accessory...and said, "Some mother's day advice..." and the inside said, "Sometimes the best thing to do is just look in the mirror and say, "what shoes go with this stress?"  So funny!  They both knew that not only grades were coming soon, but this day can be hard because I am not yet a mother.  Thanks ladies, much appreciated and love you both dearly!

Had these two things not happened, Mother's Day might have been more depressing.  J's Mom lives out of town and my Mom isn't in town at the moment, so today could have been just another Sunday.  So we really didn't have anything to do.  Thus, I could have been sitting on the couch, stressed out and feeling worried.

But because of the two above things, I was full of energy. Seriously, every day this weekend I have woken up at 6 am or earlier.  Yesterday, I got up and went to boot camp with one of our puppies and then proceeded to throw all my books for school away, 5 garbage bags worth!  Which freed up an entire shelf in the closet in my home office.  So the stuff that was in the closet in the guest room (hopefully soon to be baby's room) was relocated to the office's closet, thus making room for a baby's stuff soon.  It was a busy Saturday.  Today I was again awake at 6 am, but forced myself to go back to sleep and relax a bit.  Finally at 9 am I got up and got ready to go to Music Maiden's house to help her pack.  She's moving to California (sad face!) and her hubby is already there, leaving her to deal with the house, wrap up her year of teaching and take care of their three year old son.  Busy much?!  We reorganized almost the entire house and purged, purged, purged.  It may not sound like a fun day, but when you are with a friend and organizing (yes, I know I'm odd), it's kinda fun!  And we accomplished a lot!  Not bad for a Sunday.

Then I came home from Music Maiden's and J had a big bag sitting on the kitchen counter that said "Congrats!"  He had a couple little things in there as gifts for me.  Some University of Arizona gear, and one of my favorite movies on DVD - Fools Rush In.  We used to have it on VHS (yes, old skool) but I got rid of all those things when I started to clean out the guest room closet in March after the test was taken.  Very sweet!  Altogether, a pretty f-a-n-t-a-s-t-i-c weekend!

Now to finish, a little thing for my Mom.  Every year in Tucson, a local radio station does Mom of the Day in May for Mother's Day.  In 2007, I submitted a letter for my Mom and it was read the Monday after Mother's Day on the radio, along with my Mom winning a couple fun gifts.

Love you Mom!  And Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms in Heaven, on Earth, and to be in the future...hopefully me!

I PASSED! I PASSED! I FINALLY PASSED BIG NASTY!!!

Hello Bleaders....I'm literally shaking right now!!!  I just got the letter that confirmed I passed CFP today!!! OMG, I'm so excited I can't even begin to explain how excited I am!!

Letters were sent from DC on Tuesday and since last time it took about 4 days to get to me, I figured they would come today (Friday) so I kind of avoided the mail box.  I was working at home so I tried to stay busy so I wouldn't think about when the mail was coming and camp out by the mail box!  I had breakfast with a friend, lunch with my cousin and then ran some errands to give the mail man as much time as he needed to deliver that precious piece of paper.  And when I got home from my errands I made myself bring everything into the house before I got the mail, knowing I wouldn't make it if I waited.  So said a final prayer before I opened the mailbox and there was the big envelope with my name on.

I could kind of see the letters through the envelope and all I saw about the time I hit the garage was "CONGRATULATIONS" in all caps.  My heart started to beat out of my chest and I think I was saying, "Oh my God, I passed.  Oh my God, I passed!"  But of course my hands weren't working properly and I couldn't open the envelope nicely...so I ripped the sucker apart!!!

And there it said, CONGRATULATIONS and I just started screaming and crying all at the same time. 

The relief I felt was indescribable!  I was screaming at the top of my lungs and the animals were looking at me like I was crazy, but I couldn't help it.  I finally called J who was waiting on pins and needles for me to check the mail (he'd texted me while I was running errands avoiding the mailbox and asked if I had checked the mail yet), and he said, "I can't understand you, are you happy or sad?"  I screamed, "I passed!!  I passed!!" and he was very excited.

Then I called my Mom.  I hadn't told her that scores were coming so she thought I was just calling to chat and I managed to get out, "I passed my test!"  Her first words were, "Say it again!"  I said it again and she responded, "Say it again!"  We probably went through this for 6 cycles!  She was really excited as was my Dad who was next to her. 

Then the rest of the phone calls started...Melslaw, BFF in Phoenix, MBM (although I just left her a message saying I had an urgent computer issue and then she found out later on FB and called me), Ms. T, Schelle, Mama K, Super-Mom, Megs, Volleyball Queen, Lobster, Meanie Christinie (I sent her a text saying "Call me" with a sad face and she called me back in a panic...but I wanted to tell her - she didn't like that very much!), Busted Kate (left a message for her to call me), my Grandma (Mom's Mom), Mama Almond Joy, and U of A AFA. 

There were many conversations and very many screams!  I think my favorite was Volleyball Queen's.  She knew something was up because I usually text her so she answered kind of cautiously and I think I said, "I got my test scores back."  She said, "Did you pass?"  I said, "I did."  To which she replied, "no you did not!"  And I screamed back, "YES I DID!"  She said she wanted to scream but the baby was sleeping!!!!  It was great.

So after all the calls, the texts started to go out and now my phone won't stay quiet....not that I'm complaining!

BFF in Phoenix said it best.  She said, "now you can move on!  Next chapter starts now! Weight lifted, great year ready to continue!"  She had asked me this morning via text if I was excited that I had started BC and thus IVF, and I didn't really reply.  I was paralyzed with fear about my score, so now I can be excited that IVF is our next step!!!  I can enjoy it all!! 

I had a dream on Thursday night that shook me too my core.  Not only was BFF in Phoenix murdered, but J didn't seem to care when I told him.  And then he went to get the mail and told me my test scores hadn't come, when I could see them in his pocket.  So I yanked them from him and I hadn't passed.  I woke up in a panic and texted BFF in Phoenix to make sure she was okay and then fussed all day about my test scores and failing.  When I went to the gym I told Meanie Christinie about my dream and she misunderstood me when I got to the part about failing the exam and when I corrected myself she told me her heart had stopped for a minute when I said I failed.  Thankfully, neither of those things happened, BFF in Phoenix is alive and well and I passed my test!!!

I need to go celebrate, but I wanted you all to know because you guys have stood by me for so long and listened to be bitch about big nasty and you don't have to anymore!  It's all over!  I WIN!

Have a wonderful weekend, I know I will!!! ;)

The twitch is back!

When I was studying for CFP I posted about my eye twitching, however I can't find that post so I may be lying...but I swear I wrote about it.  Anyway, after I took "big nasty" the twitching eyelid disappeared.  So I chalk it up to stress, although it could also be the increased caffeine intake due to all the studying. 

Well it has returned...only now it isn't my eyelid, it's my left upper check/lower eye-lid-area.  Just starts twitching for no reason.  Not necessarily when I am thinking about CFP scores or IVF - my two current stressers.  Annoying!! 

One other way I know I am stressed? 

I went to my first acupuncture appointment yesterday since our last IUI in 2009.  It was nice to see Debi again and catch up.  She put all kinds of needles in me and I laid there for a little bit breathing deep.  All of the sudden, the area between my big toe and 2nd toe on my right foot started to feel really "sharp" for lack of a better term.  It was really...rEaLy...REALLY painful for probably 30 seconds and then it just stopped.  Was still a little sore but pretty much went away.  When Debi returned (she leaves me in the room by myself with the needles in for about 15-25 minutes) I asked if she had put a needle where it hurt.  She said she had, but now it was laying on the bed.  I asked her what it was for.  She laughed and said, "stress."  So my body actually pushed out the needle that was supposed to help me de-stress!  Apparently, it likes the state of stress that I am in and wasn't willing to give it up.  But that's why it hurt so bad!!  How random is that?!

Why am I stressed you ask?  Well, there's IVF and oh, did I mention that my scores for "big nasty" were mailed on Tuesday and they could come in today's mail?!!!!!  Yup, that's it!  That's why I am stressed!!  I thought about not telling you, but you're gonna hear if I pass or if I fail.  I may as well have a couple other prayers being sent up for me in the process...so feel free to lend God a few good thoughts on my behalf because I am terrified right now!  Oh yeah, and they don't publish the scores online or email them to me until next week!  Why are they so backwards?  Who knows!  They know the scores, why not just post them on my online account page?!  I don't know!  OY....

So in lieu of checking the mail box every hour I've tried to jam pack my day to distract myself.  Let's hope it works!

Happy Weekend Bleaders!

Pregnant in Heels

Hi Bleaders!  You all know that I love hearing about Infertility in modern media.  I don't know if my radar is on overdrive or if this is truly the case.  I have seen more and more shows, celebrities, and news issues about Infertility.  It's incredible to me!  And I'm happy that this isn't under the radar anymore!

In that, a friend of mine emailed me a while back about a show she was watching called Pregnant in Heels.  It's about a woman who is a mother, and is having difficulty conceiving her second child.  She is also a working professional in New York (I believe - I was watching the show while I was blogging) and deals with quite a few women who are "pregnant in heels" and refuse to give them up. 

First off, it's quite incredible that these women are about to pop, have never held a baby and don't know about projectile vomit.  I'm not gonna say that I am an expert, but I have held very many babies and at least know how to do that.  I may never have seen projectile vomit, but I know that exists. 

A quick recap of the one episode I have seen (I am now DVRing the shows).  Two women, one who was having issue with the religion of the baby not being the religion she was because her husband was a different religion and wanted the baby to take his religion.  The other woman was a stay-at-home-mother-to-be, and had really done nothing to prep for the baby.  The nursery was in her office (remember, she has no job) and was half done.  She had never held a child, nor knew many of the minor aspects of being a mother.  And when the host of the show asked when she might learn this, she would say, "that's what my husband is for."  Oh lady...you've got another think coming!

The other part of the show is the host's struggle with her own infertility.  I stopped typing when she started talking about IVF.  Mid sentence.  She went through the process of IVF shortly and then got to the point where she said she had been told she was pregnant.  But my heart leapt a little bit, but I felt that this wasn't the end of the story due to how the music was playing.  And sadly, that was not the end of the story.  She had an ectopic pregnancy and even though the baby was alive, the pregnancy had to be terminated because he or she would not have made it to term and it would have killed the mother.  (For those of you who don't know what an ectopic pregnancy is, it is when the embryo attaches within the fallopian tube instead of in the uterus.)  Therefore, the host had to have immediate surgery and have one of her fallopian tubes removed.  So now she is still pursuing getting pregnant with one fallopian tube.  Wow, that's amazing and sad all at the same time.

So yet, another happening of Infertility in Modern Media.  I will continue to watch Pregnant in Heels. It's on Bravo and I'm not sure what time.  But worth an hour of your time.

Thanks Mama Almond Joys for alerting me to this show!

It's about time....TMI alert! You have been warned!

Okay, without any further delay, AF has finally made her debut...hopefully her FINAL debut!  Last night after an altogether crazy day...baby birthday, baby shower, afternoon with Mama K and Rhe Rhe, and finally some dinner and relaxing...J and I headed for bed about 9 pm...yes, Saturday night, we were heading to bed about 9 pm.  Cramps had started slightly creeping and upon further "checking" AF had arrived.  The cramps were no where near what they usually are, so I was a bit worried that I was just spotting.  But sleeping last night was difficult thanks to the onslaught of pain my abdomen was receiving.  And thus, my fears went away and the realization set in that AF had arrived and therefore...we are on our way. 

I had gone for a mani-pedi with Meanie Christinie Friday after work, so I would be ready for the events of Saturday and Meanie Christinie was I think possibly more annoyed than I was that AF was so late.  We would be talking about something else and she would just say, "where the heck is AF?  That's retarded that she is this late."  I had told J on Saturday night that I was still late and he asked "how late?"  I held up 6 fingers.  He then asked what was the latest I have ever been?  I reminded him of early in our little journey when I skipped an entire month. 

I have felt all week very bloated and fat.  I know that part of that is due to all the eating in Vegas and lack of working out, but I also think that part of it was due to AF holding out and being late.  I think that all that excess "stuff" was gathering and holding back until AF was ready to show her "face."  This morning, I am glad to say that I feel thinner and at least more normal. Again, I feel pretty...I haven't the last few days.  I'm glad to be me again!

So here's what I am thinking...God and Mother Nature got together and decided to give me a week of break from AF knowing I would be traveling, and I need to be ON.  And Mother Nature agreed with God under the terms that agreement that I could have a week off, that AF would be worse than ever before.  More cramps, more flow (sorry, I warned you), more headaches, and more hormones.  I'm choosing to think that the Mother Nature was saving the "best" for last...the "best" being the actual worst.  And hopefully, this is the last one for a long time...10 months to be exact.  So, that's what I am focusing on today in my pain...that this is the last AF I'll have for a L-O-N-G time. 

I had emailed Holly H. on Friday asking what to do if AF came on Sunday. I already knew that if AF arrived on Saturday, I started BC on Sunday.  But I didn't know if AF came on Sunday, if that meant I would start BC on Sunday or Monday.  Holly H. confirmed that the ONLY time I wouldn't start BC on Sunday, was if AF was a no-show.  Thus, AF showed up essentially half-way between Saturday and Sunday, so I took my first BC pill this morning. 

 

I haven't seen BC pills since July 2007.  Almost 5 years.  That's ridiculous to me.  It took me a long time to take that little pill.  It wasn't a matter of choking it down, it was a matter of getting to that next step.  I pushed it out of the wrapper and just held it.  Just held it in the palm of my hand.  And took a lot of deep breaths.  

Then I said, "Here goes nothing..."  

J was in the living room and said, "what are you doing?" 

I told him I was taking my first BC pill.  He said, "Oh!"  Then he kind of laughed.  He said, "It's so weird to me that when we start this, you have to take a BC pill.  Isn't that like the exact opposite of what we are going for?"  

I laughed and agreed.  But as I understand it, we need to get to a base point...so that all the other drugs don't do things they shouldn't be doing.  First step taken, next step tomorrow, with 2nd pill tomorrow.  

Here goes nothing...