Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Last baby on the shelf

So I have a friend also going through this sucky process, and she has just started a blog. One of her first comments was something someone said to her a while back and it really stuck with me:
"Your friend (whoever just told you they are pregnant) did not take the last baby on the shelf. She didn't cut in line. And she didn't take a baby away from you."

Now I know for all you people out there who get pregnant in the blink of an eye, this seems uber-logical and normal. But it really put this in perspective from me. I have had that thought before. "Oh, she's pregnant now, there goes our chance this month." What is happening to "her" has nothing to do with what is happening to me. God isn't laughing at me by making all my girlfriends pregnant and me not. (Trust me, there are times I have thought it!) It really sunk it with that comment.

Now, I will say that when a friend has told me she is pregnant, I have NEVER been mad at her. NEVER! I have been sad for us. Sad that we can't experience what they have or are or will. I have been upset that the pregnancy fairy seems to see our house and high-tail it to Mexico or Europe, as far away as she can get. But I have NEVER been mad at a friend for her good fortune and the excitement that her life has become. (So don't be thinkin' that ladies!)

This process is really hard. You watch your close friends, co-workers, Facebook friends, and even complete strangers get pregnant in a heartbeat, all the while counting your days until OV, taking fertility drugs, visiting doctors, trying not to think about it, and paying bills that insurance won't even consider cover so why ask.

Thankfully, I am surrounded by friends who have learned to let me come to them to tell them of my tale of woe. They ask and if I don't elaborate, they can tell I don't want to talk about it. If my eyes tear up, then they let me fall into their arms and just hold me. They don't let go until I do. And they never say, "can we talk about something other than you infertility?" They listen, they ask questions, and they research so they can have a taste of what we go thru month-in and month-out, for 2 years and 3 months. They tell me I look great and beautiful and in-shape. And if I don't say it enough folks, thank you. It does mean a lot. (I love you guys!)

Now, for the not-so-close friends who I may have mentioned we were trying to when we started or the random guy at the kid's party we are at that bugs us with why we don't have kids yet, SHUT UP! I know that seems like an easy conversation starter, but you have no idea what is going on behind the scenes. Be a little bit more contientous (sp?) and lay off. It's like bugging a recovering alcoholic to have a drink. So when someone says, "we're trying." Say "good luck" nicely and talk about the weather instead. We won't take it as rude, we are happy you aren't asking how long we have been trying, and "has she tried standing on her head after sex" or "getting drunk and doing it" or "forgetting about trying?" (The answers are yes, yes and yes, and yes to anything else you may think of that you think we have NEVER heard for the last 2 or 5 or 10 years of trying to conceive a child.) So just don't say it okay, it only makes you look like an insensitive moron. And makes me want to glue your car doors shut (sorry Kate, had to steal it, so good!). But those people don't read this blog, so tell your friends and co-workers and the random lady in the grocery store.

Alright, now that I have that off my chest, it is time for a shower. Oh, and if you are someone who follows the blog, but isn't a designated "follower", please let me know. I really like knowing who I am talking to. So please click the "follow" button so I can think of you as I write. Thanks! Later folks!


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Yay Niki, thanks for the shout out! You're welcome to steal, by all means. I seriously do fantasize about doing that to people who piss me off. And I really came close to doing to my brother's ex-girlfriend (stupid husband being the voice of reason).

    Think how great it would be! I imagine hiding out in the bushes and watching them walk out to the car. The little beep beep, and then they try to open the door--but it stays put! The step back, scratch their head, and try again. Nothing. In my fantasy they end up having to crawl through their trunk to be able to drive away. Sigh....

    Anyways, I'm picking up what you're throwing down. Doesn't it seem like everyone and their mother is pregnant on Facebook? Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for people too, but sheesh! Did they put something in the water?

  3. Great post! Love your thought process (may just steal the car door line myself!)

    Thank you for the reminder at the beginning...that other peoples good fortune is not my mis-fortune. While I feel like I'm in a new place in my head - it's good to remember that. Hope things are going well for you!

  4. Totally understand your point of view.


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