"You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one."

I received this advice via fortune cookie on New Year's Day while crazy hubby was out in the wilderness camping (low 22 degrees!).  He doesn't like Asian food, so after relaxing some of the day, I got Kung Pao Chicken and Won Tons from up the street, rented The Ugly Truth and Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, and had a girlie evening alone.  This was my fortune.  And I really think it fits this year.

Obviously, I have been thinking about this for a couple days since today is now January 3rd, 2010.  (Can you believe that 2010?  I have been alive for 3 decades!  Holy cow.  That is totally insane!  Sorry, back to my point.)  I have a lot of challenges ahead of me this year that I can see - in no particular order.
1) Getting pregnant
2) Losing weight and reaching my goal weight (150-160)
3) Passing the big nasty (CFP)
4) Making my relationships stronger (hubby, family, friends and co-workers)
5) Succeeding at my job and with our finances

Thus far, I wouldn't say I am a failure at any of these because I haven't stopped trying to achieve them.  Sad to say, it took a fortune cookie to tell me that.  But if you had asked me this a year ago, I would have told you I was a failure as a woman because I couldn't get pregnant, and possibly a failure as a wife because I couldn't make my husband a father.  (And I can't promise through the course of this year that those thoughts won't cross my brain again.) But deep down I know this not to be true.  Our turn just hasn't come for some reason, and only God knows why.  Maybe he wants us to learn something sometime that we haven't quite reached yet, maybe he wants me to pass the awful CFP so my stress level decreases, or maybe it is something we haven't even thought of yet.  But my big goal for this year is to remember that I am not a failure and when I give up that is when I have failed.  So let's discuss how I intend to make these goals this year.

1) Get pregnant

I don't know.  I guess we will just take it as it comes.  We will try when we know we are supposed to.  We will have fun with it and do less of the things the doctor tells us.  We will research and discuss with friends and professionals how to move forward.  And we will take a break when needed.  And right now, our break continues.  We have decided not to have doctor intervention for a while and to concentrate on getting healthy and maybe everything else will fall into place.

2) Losing weight and reaching my goal weight (150-160)

This may be easier this year.  (I know I have said that before, but this time I mean it.)  Today, I cleaned out both our pantries and our refrigerator, and wiped them down.  They are now free of the "worse" foods for us.  J has agreed to eat healthier and while he said "you threw out all the good stuff, what am I supposed to eat!"  when he saw the pantry, he didn't argue with me or go fish it out of the garbage!  (VICTORY!) We went to dinner last night at Red Lobster (had 2 gift cards and kind of a last hurrah, although I ate rather well for being there I think!) and brainstormed what fruits and veggies he likes, and that we will grill more, and that he will start to work out aside from work and I will continue with Andrew (my trainer).  He (yes, HE) decided that he will only drink beer on the weekends or at special events - I said nothing to lead him to this. I know he will lose it faster than me as all men do, but I will not let myself get down because of that!

I will rejoin WW (beginning Tuesday) and will follow it to a T, knowing that when I cook I can cook for both of us and not one meal for me and one meal for him (or rather him fend for himself).  I will slowly work back into my workout routine (asked trainer and he agreed given how sick I have been), and we will proceed from there.  I will not let stress be an indicator to eat.  And I will always have healthy snacks with me.  I will cut back on my drinking, although usually it is only on the weekends, but then I binge and have say, a whole bottle of wine!  And I will be proud at whatever weight I get to, so long as I am healthy.

3) Passing the big nasty (CFP)

This one will be a doozy!  Right now, I will focus on the test at hand...the CFP4 that I need to study for and pass soon, preferably this month.  Then I will focus on the next and last class (CFP5) and pass that test.  Then I will focus on the big kahuna, big nasty.  And I will get thru that one, haven't figured out how yet, but I will.  I hope....no, I will!

4) Making my relationships stronger (hubby, family, friends and co-workers)

I think the losing weight thing with hubby will bond us a bit, because we'll be able to explore new recipes, workout together (maybe) and celebrate our successes. Family and I are pretty tight, but you can always draw them closer.  I will try to see my Mom more outside of work, and my Dad too - even when I am not swimming.  I will try to stay in contact with my friends better, even with just the occasional email to say "hi".  And I will try to get to know my co-workers better so that our practice can run smoother, and communication doesn't get to where it has been with past employees.

5) Succeeding at my job and with our finances

Part of this is passing the CFP.  Part of this is bucking up and doing more and quicker at work.  And part of this is keeping a closer reign on our finances and saving so if we do one day have to do IVF or adoption, there is money for that and the baby it brings home.

Something I know I do with weightloss and our finances is, in times of trial, stress or busy-ness, I binge.  So if we are talking eating, I go out to dinner and do the "just this once" thing.  If we are talking finances, I do the same, but with shopping at the mall..."this dress looks so great and is on sale, so just this once!"  I need to stop on both counts.  I know that is hard and I may fall back on both counts, but I think the eating healthier will help on both counts.  Anything worth doing, takes time!

So to sum up...life is what you make of it, and this year, mine will not be looked at as failure - even if we don't get pregnant, or I don't lose all the weight, because I won't stop trying.  We will continue until it happens!  Even if I am 80 and I finally get to 150, that counts!  Hopefully, that isn't the case...hopefully it will be around April - anniversary #6 - or May or October, or December 31!  But this year!  This is a good thing.  I'll say it again because this is what I need to remember...

"You don't become a failure until your satisfied with being one."

Goodnight folks...rest well!