Girly Day!

So yesterday I had a treat.  First, I had breakfast with a friend that I haven't seen for some time who is awesome and is a joy to talk to, never mind splitting the awesome breakfast!

Then, I flew down to meet up with Busted Kate (you can read her version of our outing by clicking her name) to have manicures and pedicures and actually meet face-to-face for the first time ever!  She was just as awesome as I thought she would be (we have corresponded over blog and email for probably 6 months or more and never met) so that was a joy!  Plus walked out with perfectly pedicured feet and beautiful nails - always makes me feel great.  Kate and I continued to Rubio's for a quick lunch and to continue our (2 hour) chat.  Plus, she gave me my birthday present (she wasn't able to come to my birthday party in November) which are awesome socks to wear when I am in the stirrups at Dr. H's that are way cute. (Although, I am wearing them today) As I drove away from Kate, I realized that I have never actually seen someone face-to-face that is dealing with infertility at the same time I have.  I have friends that have gone thru it, blog-friends who are going thru it and people I know that are past it and on to adoption, but never someone standing where I am understanding completely what I am going thru.  It was wonderful to be able to see Kate and have her understand me and me understand her!  Plus, we couldn't stop talking for 2+ hours, and it was effortless!  AWESOME!  She took this pic of me, but wouldn't let me take one of her!

After leaving Kate (and she has those wonderful kind of hugs I discussed in my last post), I again flew across town to meet another friend for a movie (we saw When in Rome) and chatted it up before the flick started.  Again, awesome lady to hang out with and unfortunately, don't get to do it enough.  It was really funny and not hard to look at Josh Duhamel for 2 hours straight!  There was a lot of out-right laughter in the pretty full theater.  After the movie we cruised the mall a bit, before my friend had to jet.  I had a Victoria's Secret gift card that was burning a hole in my pocket, so needed to spend that and did...plus a little extra!

Started my long trek home and stopped at Michael's for some yarn (yes, another blanket to make before our trip to CO) and some fake roses for this project I saw in Martha Stewart Living.  Now, I don't quite know how I got the magazine but when it came for the past few months, I would flip thru it and then toss it.  I found this cute project wherein you take fake roses and draw a trail of glue around the edges of the petals and then sprinkle with glitter.  Well, Michael's didn't have the right color glitter so I had to settle for glitter glue which turned out quite alright.  Stopped at Extreme Pita to pick up dinner and the wine place for a good bottle.

Finally made it home and J had beat me because he was coming from work.  We had our dinner, made the roses (and they turned out pretty good), watched Role Models that was really quite funny and then got in the hot tub!  Relaxing and awesome! 

I would have to chalk yesterday up to FLIPPIN' FANTABULOUS!  Thanks ladies and my dear hubby!  Now to do that more often!!!  And to top it off, I am up to 15 followers!  WOW, I may actually make it 50 or 100 at some point.  If you count the people that get this emailed, that brings me to a whopping 18!  Whoo hoo!

How does "relaxing" help the situation?

I know I have blogged about this before but it always seems to come up.  If you ever want to give me advice about how "you got pregnant on the first try" or "the first month" or "insert incredibly short amount of time", please don't and don't say "relax." I've noticed some of my sister-Infertiles talking about this lately and it just brings up bad memories.  For instance, at After the Alter she compares it to telling your spouse to relax during an argument and how well that always works.  And her statement is SO TRUE!  (Basically, think about this...when you are arguing with your spouse or they are arguing with you and they tell you/you tell them to "calm down" or "relax," does it really help the situation or make it worse?  I'm going to bet my entire life savings on "make it worse.")  I know when J and I fight, I do tend to say "calm down" because he goes from 0 to mad in about 3 seconds, even if it is just about something stupid.  But those two little words never help.  Now this isn't to say he gets really mad often, but we have our battles now and then and his temper flares quickly, particularly after a bad day at work.  So relate those thoughts to telling someone who wants to have a baby so very badly to "just relax and get drunk."  Yeah, not the best advice and you better duck if you tell me that!

So now to the next place I have seen discussion of "just relax" in the last week or so.  My dear friend, Kate at  Busted Plumbing related infertility to cancer.  (Basically she said, "It's like telling someone who has cancer, "Well have you tried chemotherapy?" like its the easiest and most clear option that you must not have thought of because you still have cancer.") Infertility is just as serious and as true a disease.  I would never wish cancer on someone, especially having watched one of my best friend's mom go thru Breast Cancer last year - whose ass she kicked!  (Sorry, had to throw that in there!)  And I would NEVER wish infertility on my worst enemy...yes even my worst enemy doesn't deserve this.  Would you consciously ever say that to someone with cancer?  Maybe if you were a moron or wanted a good beat down.  So please, don't tell me to "stand on my head after BD" or "get drunk" or "have I tried the ovulation tests?"  If I haven't tried these things in the past 2.5 years, and have gone to the doctor who we have spent way more than I wish to total, then I am a moron and the doc is a moron for not telling me to do those things.  But Dr.H is not and yes, if you can dream it or have heard it from your hairdresser's best friend's daughter, then yes, we have tried it.


Here's another tip...what works for you, may not work for me.  Case and point, Femara and my dearest Busted Kate.  She had talked about Clomid on her blog many-a-time and at some point I told her about the Femara that I was on (which also apparently treats breast cancer and is the most expensive 10 pills I have ever taken - 3 months in a row).  She was talking about the craziness that ensues when Clomid is in your bloodstream - for those of you who haven't had the pleasure of Clomid - picture menopause (hot flashes, fatigue, headaches, and uber-crankiness and sobbing over nothing).  I told her that while I had been on Femara, not only did I have large follicles (important for creating good eggs), but not a one side-effect.  So Kate asked Dr. H if she could have Femara instead (after I warned her to stock up on money!) and hoped that she would have the same thing.  Unfortunately, Kate still had the same side effects as Clomid and they may have even been more severe.  Sorry love! 

So I know many of you want to be there for me or your other Infertile friends and you are at a loss for words when you see us.  Here are some dos and don'ts:
1. Please don't let your first words be - "oh just get drunk and relax, that's how we did it - twice - and got pregnant right away."  If you say this, you may find your car doors glued shut when you come out of work next week.  (Thanks Kate, love that one!)
2.  Don't offer advice.
3.  Unless you are very close to the situation and the person, don't ask "how all that fertility stuff" is going or "if we are pregnant yet."
4.  Don't give me the pity eyes.  You know what these are.  These are part of the face that comes out when you know someone just died or got laid off and you don't know what to say.  I know they come from a great place in your heart, but they will make me spontaneously break out crying.  (Katie - please apologize to your awesome Dad once more for my crying fit at Jenn's baby shower!  He took it like a trooper - as did everyone!  I probably still owe him for the mascara stain on his shirt!)
5.  Don't bitch about being a parent and how you wish you had more free time.  At least not to me.  I know that someday down the road too, I will feel that way.  But for right now, I would trade you my left arm for my own child.  My right arm too!  Cherish what you have, because I don't and some people can't.  Again, I know you might be trying to tell me to "enjoy my "me" time, but trust me, I have way too much "me" time.  I am OVER my "me" time and our "us" time.
6.  Please don't tell us to "start the adoption process."  That is a grueling process in and of itself and not to be taken lightly.  Trust me, we have thought of it.  Again it's like "chemo for cancer"?  
7.  Do listen.  If we want to talk about it, just let us bring it up and talk.  Ask what we are thinking about "doing" and how we are feeling.  Those questions are stellar!
8.  Make margaritas or bring wine! ;)
9.  Give lots of good hugs, not pity hugs, good I'm-so-glad-you-are-my-friend-and-please-know-I-am-here-for-you hugs.  (I am so-very-uber grateful for the people that give me these - you know who you are ladies and gents!)
10.  Let us babysit!  I know you may not want me "practicing" my Mommy skills on your kid, but I guarantee it will be great.  I will learn things I don't fantasize about when I fantasize about getting pregnant, and you get to go to the grocery store childless!
11.  Lastly, don't offer advice.  I know I already said it but it needs to be said again!

Sorry if I got a little excitable this blog, but you would be surprised how often these things come up and from the most random people - people we love!  People with great intentions and well-meaning hearts, whose mouths have run away from them.  In the end, we will forgive you because we know you are at a loss for words and giving advice is the first thing everyone does.  But really all you have to do is say, "I'm here if you need me."  That sums it all up beautifully!  I seem to be the one apologizing lots of times to these people too because I get annoyed or flabbergasted or even angry.  So, please forgive me as well.  All I can say is tough situation.  Trust me, I am living it.

Night Bleaders!

The bitch is back

Yup, you guessed it.  No luck this month.  AF came a knockin' at my door early Thursday morning and she had her suitcases with her for a stay about 3 days long!  But...I do have some good news.  I had no spotting this month.  (Sorry, a little TMI).  How about a little background on why I am so excited about this small feat?

About October 2008 (when we were first supposed to go visit the RE and decided to wait until the March 2009) I had started to spot about a day before AF showed up.  It was very odd as it had never happened before and there were no cramps with it.  And it continued every month.  When we went to see Dr. H, he said it meant that my Progesterone was not producing enough and thus my uteran lining was not thick enough which could have been why I wasn't getting pregnant.  So I began the (most expensive pills at the time) Progesterone suppositories every month 2x a day for 15 days before AF and after OV.  Spotting stopped, but in my mind superficially because it was drug induced.  When we stopped Dr. assisted procedures in November 2009, spotting returned (much to my dismay that body hadn't figured out what we were trying to teach her).  But this month, not so much.  So I am choosing to believe that something in my body has changed (could be due to better eating or weight loss or less stress, who knows?) and maybe this means my body is more ready to be pregnant and support that pregnancy for 9 - 10 months.  That is what I am choosing to believe!  So to me, that is FANTASTIC news!!!!


I was going to call the Dr.'s office on Monday (next Monday) if the aching in the boobs hasn't stopped, just to see if they have any idea why it hung around for so long.  Maybe it is somehow tied to the Progesterone issue.  Anyway, yes, they still hurt and feel somewhat bigger.  Much to J's delight, however because of how sore they are, touching at this point is not allowed, so that doesn't make him very happy! ;)


I met with my trainer yesterday for our monthly appointment.  Here's what we do - he gives me a workout routine and I follow that for a month - at the gym - while he watches from afar and fixes small things as needed (form, etc), and then we meet once a month and he alters the routine a bit (i.e. more weight, different exercises, better form) and we talk about how things are going in my life - personal and not.  Anyway, we talked and he pushed me during my workout - reminding me that I can go harder and do more than I think.  He's proud of how hard I work, that I am back on WW and actually following it and that J is eating healthy.  Then, on the way home as I was driving, I was thinking how long it could take me to reach my goal if I really concentrated on it and came to the conclusion of setting my goal for 4 lbs a month.  I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but it is hard to do for me.  So if I lose 4 lbs a month (that is 1 lb a week), by summer I could be down 20 lbs!  And I think it is doable, so that is my goal.  4 lbs a month consistently and more if possible.  But given how hard it is to do for me, I think it gives me hope, but also is achievable. 

So while we start another month of not being pregnant, at least we start on a good note with the Progesterone thing and hoping that carries forward and does the same thing this month.  And now I have a goal in my head to lose a certain amount and stay on track.  This could be our year!

Oprah and the cell phone

I will warn you now, this post isn't about fertility...well, I guess kinda, but we'll get there.  And sorry in advance if this sounds like I am yelling!  But after watching Oprah, hearing my Mom say she was calling because she was driving almost made me sick!  I did not call her back on my way home from WW.  READ ON...

This post is about something that was brought to my attention yesterday, by Oprah of all people.  Cell phones and driving.  I will admit (and anyone who knows me, knows this because I call you) that when I get in the car alone, the first thing I do is put in my earpiece to my phone and call someone.  I even have specific people I call on specific days to catch up, kind of like a date!  But no more.  And that is going to be hard because it takes me roughly 35-40 minutes to get home from work.  Time that I do nothing but talk on the phone.  Well I guess now, I will be talking to myself and blogging in my head because I won't be on the cell phone anymore.

I always knew texting and driving was bad.  If you think about it, how can it not be?  I you are looking down at your phone, not at the road!  Remember when we learned to drive and you couldn't have the radio on or friends in the car because our parents thought we would be distracted?  Well hello, cell phone, food, cigarette (not me! but others), radio, children (again, not me obviously), make up (not me), shaving (yup, I have SEEN it, but never done it), and a multitude of other activities that aren't related to driving.  I often wonder what people are holding on to the wheel with since I can see both hands full!  I even remember as a kid yelling at my Dad when he drove with his knee once in a while...thankfully no more.  So why has this become okay now?  Because someone gave us a phone and the ability to have unlimited texts, talk and internet?  I know that is my problem, but no more.  Just because someone gives you crack, does that mean you do it?!  I hope not!

So first, a quick synopsis of the show from yesterday (Here's Oprah's Synopsis), but mine is shorter.  First, in true Oprah fashion, there are mini-segments of families who have lost someone because that person or another was driving and texting/talking on the cell phone...and of course the first ones are children.  One family lost their 11 year old when she was riding her bike home from school ("15 pedals from home") and was hit by a lady texting and died.  Another 19-year-old dropped his phone, reached for it and hit a large tree.  Sob stories and yes, I did sob!  (Especially as I began to think, "what would happen after we have tried so hard to get pregnant and then someone took him/her away from us with something stupid like this?  What if I did that to another parent, previous Infertile or not?")  Oh right...synopsis...so then we talk to some of the people in the video, and I cry more.  (let's face it, when do I not cry during Oprah?!)  More mini-interviews, and more pictures of cars mangled beyond recognition.  Then, they bring up the story of this 19-year-old who was texting and killed 2 men because he crossed traffic and pushed them into another lane and the guy behind the 19-year-old hit them.  They have the wife and child of each man speak, then the 19-year-old.  Obviously, he knew what he had done was wrong and was remorseful, going so far as to say his 30-day jail sentence wasn't enough (agree) and got Utah to approve a very strict law about driving and texting.  No, he still isn't forgiven in my book, but at least he is trying to prevent others from doing what he did.  They review headlines that we all have seen - the bus driver who was caught texting on tape and got in accident, the train conductor doing the same thing and derailed the train, etc.  Finally, they get to the statistics and they do a study with three strangers.  They have each person (on a closed course) drive without a cell phone and do a brake test (how long does it take for you to react when you see brake lights) and drive a slalom course.  Then do both again while texting to see the difference.  Each driver was a self-proclaimed texter-extraordinaire.  Not anymore they aren't!  All were astounded by the results.  Here's the stats that stood out to me:
    * Driving while talking on the phone makes you 4 times more likely to be in a car accident, texting raises that to 8 times more likely.
    * Driving while talking on the phone is like driving with the legal limit of alcohol (.08 blood alcohol level) in your body!  (I refrain from driving and drinking, so this made me sit up and take notice.)
    * 500,000 people have been injured from people driving and talking/texting.
    * 6,000 people have DIED because they were involved in a texting/talking on the phone accident

HOLY COW!  Those are astounding.  Please go watch the show, at the very least, some of the videos on the website.  Oprah's videos.  And do like I did and sign her No Phone Zone contract.  And follow it!  (So maybe my synopsis wasn't quick, but Oprah covered A LOT!)

So how does this connect to our infertility.  My Mom has been telling me for some time that maybe "God is trying to teach me patience" and for a while I just believed that.  But now it has become that God is either trying to teach me something or is waiting for something to happen in our lives (i.e. J get a better job, our finances be more in line, pass the CFP (aka big nasty), etc).  What occurred to me today was, God's lesson to me could be...don't talk on the phone and drive!  I would never dream of doing that with a child in the car (mine or my friend's), but what about while I am pregnant?  I had never thought of that?  There are enough distractions out there without adding to them. 



Please watch the show folks, and at the very least just stop doing it.  If you need to call someone in the car for directions, pull over.  Who knows who could be calling and what effect it will have on you and your driving?  Please be careful and please hang up and drive or pull over and chat?! It's sad that it took 6,000 people dying and 500,000 people getting hurt to teach me (and hopefully everyone) that message!  But it won't soon be forgotten!
 
Trust me, it won't be easy to drive home from work and not gab on the phone because I have a 35-40 minute commute, but it will be worth it to make sure I make it home.  Lesson learned Big Guy...lesson learned. 

That bugs!

I don't get it.  I weighed myself this morning and the scale was down an lb at home from last week!  Well, the scale at WW didn't agree.  I was up 1.2 lbs from the scale at home, which is still a loss because last week they said I didn't go down at all.  So basically, last week's weight loss showed up today at WW!  Essentially, my scale says I am down 3.2 lbs, and WW says 2 lbs.  Now either way, I understand that those are both great, but I really wish they would match, or at the very least be close.  I also understand that I weigh at home nude, and not so at WW, but when I weighed in on January 5th at WW, it was .4 off the scale at home and I wore exactly what I did today then, and I didn't eat or drink anything before I went...or workout for that matter.  Hell, I even thought about not brushing my teeth so I wouldn't risk it, but thankfully for everyone, I did! I don't get what is different but it sure is bugging me.

Oh yeah, the boobs still feel like punching bags, for no apparent reason.  AF is due Thursday, so if she is a no show (which I doubt) by Monday, then I will call the RE to see what is up and take a test.  But like I said, I really doubt that.  

And last but not least, a couple weeks back I had a novel of a post about how my counter said no one was reading my posts and I was having a pity party.  Well, after lots of people told me otherwise and yes, commented, I got last week's counter readings and...you guessed it, zip!  So those of you who said my counter is broken were 100% correct.  But I don't know how to fix it.  Oh well, at least I know I am being read. 

Must get back to work!  Later Bleaders!

I need a vent.

First, let me say, this week has been pretty good. No drama, no stress, just working out, working and eating right.  The only thing bad about this week is the pain in my boobs.  Now I am talking, working out and I have to hold them in place so I don't break into tears!  It feels like someone has been using them as a punching bag at night and all night long at that!  So other than that, I'm good.

Now for my vent.  First, let me say, I love my husband.  I really do, but lately whatever I seem to do just "isn't right" according to him.  For instance, last night, driving to dinner, he said something and I think I responded with, "oh."  That was it.  But he asked, "what did you say?" kind of pissed off like.  I repeated it and he said, "no you didn't.  What did you say?"  I said it again.  He said, "No, what did you say?!"  I finally said, "I don't know.  It must not have been all that important because I don't remember!"  And he got mad.  OY!  Then, on our way home from dinner, I was driving and apparently I turned my blinker on 3 seconds earlier than he wanted me to, and I heard about how if a car turned out in front of me because they thought I was turning it would be my fault.  OY!  Then, today, I am cleaning the house and I have a candle burning in the kitchen on my shelf.  On his way out the door, he tells me, "that candle shouldn't be there burning because that shelf could catch fire."  I said, "okay, so move it."  He walked out and slammed the door.  I went to see where the candle was, and no, he hadn't moved it.  So I don't know what is up, or if I am more agitated or what, but it is really getting annoying!  (So he may have been technically right on the last one, but just fix it, don't jump down my throat about it!)

What is it about men and having to tell you that you are wrong?  I don't get it!

So, just to clarify, I do love my husband very much and these are minor minor problems.  But if he only knew how many times I just bit my tongue and fixed whatever he did, he would be amazed.  Thus is the life of being happily married I guess! ;) But, I will say, that we both usually get over things very quickly and go back to being civil ;) with each other.  Happy Saturday folks!

Busted Libs

This is from Busted Kate at Busted Plumbing.  So trying it out.

The Rules:  Copy and paste this section on to your blog.  Fill out the blanks before you insert your words into the story (no peeking ahead!).  I'm going to put the story in black so you won't be tempted (let me know if that works ok for cutting and pasting!).  Show your words (with the story still in white) first, and then re-post with the story in white (so everyone can see your masterpiece!).

1. An Emotion - sad

2. An Emotion - enlightened

3. An Emotion - happy

4. Body Part -  big fat toe

5. Body Part - pinky finger

6. Adjective - poopy

7. Color - turquoise

8. Adjective - lemon scented

9. Adverb - amazingly

10. Adverb - sideways

11. Verb - create

12. Famous Celebrity - Sarah Michelle Gellar

13. Adjective - flowery

14. Plural Noun - margaritas

Your First Visit to the Reproductive Endocrinologist

Your first visit to a Fertility Specialist, also known as a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE), can be

[---] (1: An emotion).  But don't worry!  Your RE can be your first step in finding both the cause of and solution to your infertility.  Infertility problems can make you feel [---] (2: An emotion) or [---] (3: An emotion), however a good RE will take time to address these feelings.  The RE may then do an examination of your [---] (4: Body part) visually or by using an ultrasound.  The RE may also examine your partner's [---] (5: Body part) for any signs of abnormality.  The doctor will ask you some pretty personal questions, like if your cervical mucus is [---] (6: Adjective) and (7: Color), and if your menstruation looks [---] (8: Adjective).  The doctor may suggest that you have intercourse [---] (9: Adverb) rather than [---] (10: Adverb), and for you to [---] (11: Verb) after intercourse.  And don't feel bad if you have fertility challenges, even famous celebrities like [---] (12: Famous Celebrity) have received infertility treatment.  The most important is to keep a [---] (13: Adjective) attitude, and turn to your [---] (14: Plural noun) for support.  Good luck in your journey.

DO THE TOP FIRST, THEN LOOK DOWN FURTHER FOR MINE.  VERY FUNNY!

Your first visit to a Fertility Specialist, also known as a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE), can be [sad]. But don't worry! Your RE can be your first step in finding both the cause of and solution to your infertility. Infertility problems can make you feel [enlightened] or [happy], however a good RE will take time to address these feelings. The RE may then do an examination of your [big fat toe] visually or by using an ultrasound. The RE may also examine your partner's [pinky finger] for any signs of abnormality. The doctor will ask you some pretty personal questions, like if your cervical mucus is [poopy] and [turqoise], and if your menstruation looks [lemon scented]. The doctor may suggest that you have intercourse [amazingly] rather than [sideways], and for you to [create] after intercourse. And don't feel bad if you have fertility challenges, even famous celebrities like [Sarah Michelle Gellar] have received infertility treatment. The most important is to keep a [flowery] attitude, and turn to your [margaritas] for support. Good luck in your journey!

So that was pretty cute!

Guiliana & Bill - GO WATCH NOW!

So let me say that I am obsessed with reality tv shows about stars I like, especially if they have kids - Tori & Dean, Denise Richards It's Complicated and yes, Guiliana and Bill.  I started knowing Bill on The Apprentice and who doesn't know Guiliana from E! ?  Anyway, probably was a couple years ago that their wedding in Italy aired on E!.  Talk about gorgeous and different culture.  So fun to watch.  Then, they came out with their reality show and it is great too.  They act like ... get this...normal people, with better clothes and more fun jobs (talking to people on the red carpet!).

Flash back to the end of last season, we see Guiliana and Bill huddled over a pregnancy test and of course don't hear the answer until 6 months later.  I figured, being a TV show and all, it would be positive.  But no, it actually turned out negative a couple weeks ago.  So now they are trying to get pregnant and it is really interesting to watch.  The last episode was called "Operation Ovulation" and it included both of them going to the doctor and getting checked out.  Something J and I have done a lot!

I had started watching it alone while J did the dishes from my fabulous dinner of Homemade Green Chile Mac & Cheese, and after about 4 minutes, stopped it, rewound and waited for him to sit down.  First, G/B (Guiliana and Bill) talk to some friends they have who are trying for 4 years!  G/B are surprised it has been that long and J was surprised it could take that long.  Then G/B decide to go to the doctor to just "get checked out" and Bill has to "make a deposit" so they stop at a neighborhood (they live in Chicago sometimes) magazine/newspaper stand and buy porn for Bill - hysterical conversation.  Then, go to el-doctor and have an ultrasound.  (Now it has been awhile since we went to Dr. H so at this point J looks at me and says - "have you had an ultrasound?", to which I smiled and reminded him that I have had many and he has watched most of them.  Once he saw the images on the TV, he remembered.)  Oh and then, the show ends with planning when they need to BD and Bill having to be gone, so rushing home to bed his wife who tried to spice it up a bit with candles, chocolate strawberries and rose petals, only to find Bill late and Guiliana passed out on the couch!  So true!

Great episode because it really puts everything out there, especially for people who haven't been there.  I recommend you all watch it because it gives you a bit of insight into the infertiles world.  Now if you are a sister-infertile, then just watch it for some fun hyjinks and to be validated that celebrities deal with this crap too.

Love you all and time to get ready for my day.  Already worked out, now just need to go to work!

God love you guys!

I will have to call my pity party for one, officially over!  I have had so many responses (well, so many for me anyway as I only have 12 followers, plus my Mom on email) about how my counter must be broken!  So thank you ladies, thank you very much.  I even picked up a couple EXTRA followers - to get me to a whopping 12 from 10!  HOLY COW!  So thank you for picking me up, dusting me off, and putting me back on my feet.  It is greatly appreciated!

Nothing really exciting on the home front except for extremely sore breasts the last couple days, along with tummy - I'm on CD 21 - and a perverse craving for green chiles.  I kid you not, yesterday I had them at every meal.  Egg beaters with green chiles and feta for breakfast (absolutely divine!) and coffee, Arroz con Pollo (Chicken and rice with cheese and salsa) and green chiles for lunch, and homemade Weight Watchers mac and cheese with....say it with me now...green chiles for dinner!  What is up with that?  And I could totally do it again tomorrow.  Odd, yes. 

Other than that, I got nothing.  Except I came upstairs at 9 pm to blog a little and be in bed to read so I could shut my eyes at 10 pm and what do you know it is 10 pm RIGHT NOW and I haven't cracked my book.  Dang computer, facebook and blogger!  ARGH!  Alright, time to go...I swear this time.  Dang it - 10:01 pm!

Why blog? (Pity party for one?)

I just finished reading the Julie and Julia book (by Julie Powell - credit where credit is due) and the beginning of this chapter made me think a bit.  So here it is word-for-word, and my thoughts are after:

   "On January 1, 1660, a young government worker in London started a diary.  He wrote about going to church where the preacher was saying something or other about circumcision, and about lunch afterward; he mentioned that his wife burned her hand while heating up turkey leftovers.
   "For the next nine years, this guy wrote every single day.  He witnessed the Great Fire of London and some disappointingly overdone roasts.  He went to hundreds of plays, vowed to quit drinking then changed his mind.  He ate a lot - no matter the precarious state of the union, a barrel of oysters was always appreciated - and worked a lot, and fondled whatever girls would deign to allow it.  And he wrote about all of it - honestly, self-indulgently.  He was often entertaining, often mind-bogglingly boring, every now and then ablaze with life - the Sid Vicious of seventeenth-century diarists.  And then on May 31, 1669, he just stopped.
   "Some bloggers might say that Samuel Pepys was a sort of proto-blogger, but we're not a terribly measured lot, so I don't know that I'd listen to us if I were you.  Sure, Pepys obsessively chronicled his interior-decorating ups and downs and the time he masturbated in the water taxi.  Sure, he wrote in his pajamas.  But although he carefully saved his diary, volumes and volumes of it for the rest of his life, he never showed it to a single soul.  Today, when we blog about our weight-loss problems and our knitting and our opinion of the president's IQ level, we do it on the blithe assumption that someone gives a shit - even though there's a guy stuck in Bagdad who blogs, and a Washington DC staff assistant who gets paid by Republican appointees for sex who blogs, and our own jottings must all be dreadfully dull by comparison.  Nowadays anyone with a crap laptop and Internet access can sound their barbaric yawp, whatever it may be.  But the surprise is that for every person who's got something to say, it seems there are at least a few people who are interest.  Some of them aren't even related.
   "What I think is that Sam Pepys wrote down all the details of his life for nine years because the very act of writing them down made them important, or at least singular.  Overseeing the painters doing his upstairs rooms, was rather dull, but writing about it made overseeing the painters doing his upstairs rooms at least seem interesting.  Threatening to kill his wife's dog for pissing on the new rug might have made him feel a bit sheepish and mean, but write it down and you have a hilarious domestic anecdote for centuries.  Imagine if he'd had, say, a safely anonymous pamphlet cranked out on a press and passed around on the streets of London.  Wouldn't he have enjoyed occasionally overhearing some fellow in a tavern recounting to general hilarity Pepys's own yarn about the king's spaniel shitting on the royal barge?
   "There's a dangerous, confessional thrill to opening up your eminently fascinating life and brain to the world at large, and the Internet makes it all so much faster and more breathless and exciting.  But I wonder - would we still have Sam's jack-off stories, the records of his marital spats, if he'd been a blogger rather than a diarist?  It's one thing to chronicle your sexual and social missteps to satisfy your private masochistic urges, but sharing them with the world at large?  Surely there are some limits, aren't there?"



So why did Sam write all these things and never intend to show anyone?  For his own prosperity?  I've kept a diary for many years - probably since I was about 10, for what?  Validation? I had it locked up tight many years and no one dared go near it.  But I wrote about the trials and successes of my life.  I even started writing again last year in a journal - no locks this time - but then transferred to blogging.  Does it matter if no one reads it to validate it?  Not really.  I know that was a large intro, but I thought the paragraphs were entertaining considering how long ago they happened.

There is a thing on my blog that tells me how many people visit my blog and the average time they stay.  It's fun to see how many visitors I have had, I guess for validation.  Well, this past week's report came and it was a big fat zero.  No readers, no visits.  So while I find that odd (and I knew a couple people who get this post via email, so maybe I wasn't entirely un-read), it actually dismayed me a bit.  Despite what you may feel (at this point it may be to no one), but I hold back some things.  I have some posts that will never be posted, and have kept some things under wraps.  My life may seem like an open book, but I don't tell all the secrets.  Anyway, I was a little upset that all my writing was being read by not a soul - especially when I know of other friends who have many readers daily.  Add that to the fact that the last report (a week ago) was also zero - and in the past it hasn't been.

But that brought up some other thoughts.  Does it matter if no one reads this?  Technically, no.  I'll continue to write (trust me, I questioned that for a while), even if not a soul reads this.  And for a few months in the beginning, I wouldn't let anyone read it.  But it is nice to be validated that my thoughts matter - especially when it comes to our infertility struggles, and that I am not alone in some of them. 

The other thought was why my readership is lower than so many others and I know the answer to that.  This is a hard subject - very different from Julie and Julia's cooking topic.  So many things are rather personal.  I know close friends read this (although apparently not the last two weeks).  Then, I have also discussed some of these issues with them. So it made me think about how many people know about our infertility struggle:
our doctors, our parents, my hairdresser, my co-workers, my trainer, my close friends, a few of J's friends, my dentist, and the occasional random person be it on Facebook or the street.  I don't know if I am ashamed to tell everyone or if it protects me from all the "I'm sorry's" and "stupid advice" that we are way over.  Or if by telling more people I know, then I have to reign in some of my posts.  I don't have it listed on my Facebook page, I guess because there is a little disconnect there.  My name has been taken off my blog, so besides that point that my picture is there, if you don't know what I look like...then there's no connection.  J asked if his buddies at work could find it (which is why my name is no longer associated with it), but who knows if they care to look and I guarantee they wouldn't get very far with the topic at hand.  Anyway, as I held this post in my drafts, I toiled over the idea of "advertising" it on Facebook in order to up my readership, or to just deal with not being read.  Does it helps us to tell more people of our struggles, or not?  I don't have an answer.  Maybe it does...here's an example.

Just the other day, a friend had posted something about how breastfeeding helped to ward off breast cancer on Facebook and I copied her post for my status, which instigated a lot of chatter (surprising me no less that breastfeeding was such a HOT topic).  Mostly from mothers (who are friends - although maybe not close ones) with thank yous for the knowledge.  I had posted something on there saying, "now all I need is a baby and some milk" and "getting pregnant plagues us."  Now to this was replied - by someone I haven't actually spoken to IN YEARS - "If you haven't tried them already, try the Clear Blue Easy fertility kit. It helped us get pregnant on the first try."  (That is verbatum).  I tried to reign in my um...call it a form of anger... when I replied to her saying, "We are way beyond that. I've had 3 Dr. assisted IUIs this year with fertility drugs. It's not that we don't know when, it's that we don't know why not. I even have a blog about our trials."  I wasn't mad that they got pregnant right away, but their ignorance.  Especially since the length we have been trying was discussed and being that it isn't short, that is a stupid thing to say.  That is like asking someone who has had a cough for 3 months if they have taken cough syrup or seen a doctor...well duh - that is if they are smart!  But I digress....Would the situation have been less anger-inducing for me, if my blog was attached to my Facebook page?  Possibly not.  If the person missed the quote in front of hers (which listed our time period of TTC), who is to say she would see the blog address on the left of the page and actually go there?  Nothing.  I just hope that this taught her to not spout knowledge when you don't know the whole situation, because it doesn't make you look helpful...it makes you look like a moron. ( Sorry, if you are reading this - but I doubt you are, and it is true.)

So I don't know if it matters to list it on Facebook, or if it matters if people actually read it!  I like hearing that someone else had the same reaction to Clomid as me, or that their hubby doesn't like to discuss these things.  But will the world collapse if no one reads or comments...no.  So I don't know...I guess if you are out there Bleaders (that would be blog readers with a few less letters), please let me know.  And if you aren't, well then, I guess all who matters in this situation is me.  Yes, it is a bit of a pity party...but should it be?  Who really cares?  I guess I do.  (If that wasn't obvious by this post.)

Bursting with pride, re-joining WW and update on our stray

Obviously, from the title, you gathered that I have a lot on my mind, so let's get down to it!

First, why am I "bursting with pride"?  Well, a few reasons.  First, J and I have started our better eating regime and so far, there haven't been any complaints except that he is HUNGRY!  When I asked him what "healthy" food he wanted, he couldn't even answer having said, "I don't know.  I've NEVER done this!"  To me that is an OMG moment!  Never eaten healthy!  That is insane to me.  Anyway, I filled in the blanks and now he is on track and excited about it.  He went to work yesterday and at lunch was looking up how many calories were in his beer - and after learning that number was about 200(!), he decided to switch to the light-low-carb beer!  Then, when he got home from work yesterday, he did sit-ups, push-ups, and some other things to work out!  That makes me so happy to hear that!  Not only because my most-desirable husband is working out to be even more desirable, but because he will be healthier and learning about good calories vs. bad calories!!! 

Second reason I am "bursting with pride"?  We went to see J's new doctor this morning and he was awesome!  He explained things and listened to what J told him, and J really liked him (as opposed to last year's doc who was kind of a nimrod!).  Anyway, the doc asked why we were there and he actually said, "My wife has been bugging me about going to the doctor for as long as I can remember, and now being in my 30's, I agree it is important so here I am!"  Long way to say - she was right!  How about that?!

And last reason, I am "bursting with pride"?  My man is so honest and has such a good head on his shoulders - most of the time.  What I am trying to say is that he has so much integrity that it makes me swell with pride.  He is so proud of his work, and defends himself when the bosses want him to skimp and screw the customer.  He won't back down.  He wants to make sure the customer is not only satisfied, but safe and treated well.  I just wish his bosses and the other guys he worked with could take notice of this and act in a similar fashion! 'Nuff said!

Okay, second topic - re-joining WW.  I was a little worried about how my comeback would be handled this morning?  Would they make me pay for all the meetings I missed since August?  Would they say, "we knew you would be back"?  Would they even be in the same place?  Well, my fears were calmed when everything went smoothly when I went.  I was determined when I woke up and wore my "lightest" clothes.  I went and it was empty, save Joanne (my leader that I love) and Nancy (the lady who checks us in).  I only had to pay to start-up a new plan ($13) and we started fresh, and for whatever reason, that felt really nice not to be judged by what I had previously done and my backtracking.  They didn't say, "we knew you would be back." They said, "Welcome home!  We missed you!  It's like seeing family again!"  They didn't judge when my weight was up 5 lbs from my last weight.  I was kind of relieved to see my 10% goal because it just sounded right.  The first time, it just didn't sound right.  So this one fits me, and I plan on getting to it!  So I weighed in, and came on my merry way home with a smile on my face and a plan to eat well for the day - and I did!  I even figured out how to re-set my online WW version, to match the new book I got at WW. I went back this afternoon for my 45 minute meeting to hear Joanne speak - and make me laugh and it was great.  I am glad to be back and ready to rock-n-roll!

Lastly, an update on our little stray that we found on New Year's Day.  After J dropped me back off at the house after his Dr. appt this morning, he called and said he was still in the neighborhood and had seen a sign for what he thought might be the dog we found.  Two thoughts ran through my head - 1) Great - the owner will find the dog!, 2) Crap - the dog is at the Humane Society and may have been adopted by now so the owner can't get her back!.  J said, he left a message for the owner and I did a little homework with where we took her to find out exactly where she was so when the possible owner called back, we had info to give them.  The vet that we took her to, confirmed that the Humane Society had picked her up and gave the phone number to call.  So, when J came home tonight his cell rang and it was the possible owner.  He told her what we knew and they had about a 3-minute conversation.  Anyway, when he got off the phone, he looked a little distressed.  He said the following:
1) She didn't sound that excited to have us find what sounds like it was the dog (I would have been jumping for joy and saying "thank you" every other word - but that is me!).  She just sounded like she was confirming a pizza delivery!
2) When he told her that the dog looked pretty haggard, she said, "Yeah, she has been like that for a while, I didn't have time to clean her up!"  I wish I had a picture of what this poor puppy looked like when J found her.  She had matted mud all over her face.  I actually considered taking her to a dog groomer before the vet because she looked so bad, and when the vet saw her they took her immediately to clean the poor thing up!  I can't imagine an owner leaving a dog like that...it was awful!
3) When he said that the dog didn't have a collar, the possible owner said, "eh...meaning to do that too!"  How hard is it to get a freaking collar with a tag?!  If you care about the animal, that is the first thing you do after getting them!  Responsibility people! 

So anyway, she had thanked him, but it really didn't seem like she was all that excited about the prospect of having this sweet puppy back!  My hopes are jumping back and forth between "I hope she does get to the Humane Society and find the dog and be happy that she did and realize to take better care of it" and "I hope the Humane Society questions how the dog got out and why she was in such bad shape and either reprimands her for animal cruelty, or doesn't give her the dog back and finds a better home for the dog."  I feel bad thinking the second one, but if you saw how this dog looked, you would better understand!  I just hope the situation works out for the dog so she is taken care of and loved like she deserves.  If we didn't have 2 bigger dogs and a killer cat, I would have cleaned her up and kept the poor thing!  Anyway, I hope it works out for the best.  If the owner doesn't want to take care of the animal, they shouldn't be an owner!  But hopefully, the owner has seen the error of her ways and will be better in the future.  Cross those fingers!

Alright, time for some dinner - healthy dinner...I'm thinkin' stirfry!  Also hoping to go to the gym tomorrow and test the waters.  Happy Tuesday folks!

Proud of hubby

Just a quick post to say today was J's first day of eating better, and I have to say I am awful proud of him.  He did really well.  I hit the grocery store on the way home and got lots of fruits, veggies, whole grains and lean meats and he was excited when I came home!  I know his following it will make me following it much easier too!  Now, of course, I have spent way too much time chatting on FB with Busted Kate, and must head for bed.  Bigger post tomorrow after I weigh in at WW and go to my first meeting of 2010.

Night folks!

"You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one."

I received this advice via fortune cookie on New Year's Day while crazy hubby was out in the wilderness camping (low 22 degrees!).  He doesn't like Asian food, so after relaxing some of the day, I got Kung Pao Chicken and Won Tons from up the street, rented The Ugly Truth and Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, and had a girlie evening alone.  This was my fortune.  And I really think it fits this year.

Obviously, I have been thinking about this for a couple days since today is now January 3rd, 2010.  (Can you believe that 2010?  I have been alive for 3 decades!  Holy cow.  That is totally insane!  Sorry, back to my point.)  I have a lot of challenges ahead of me this year that I can see - in no particular order.
1) Getting pregnant
2) Losing weight and reaching my goal weight (150-160)
3) Passing the big nasty (CFP)
4) Making my relationships stronger (hubby, family, friends and co-workers)
5) Succeeding at my job and with our finances

Thus far, I wouldn't say I am a failure at any of these because I haven't stopped trying to achieve them.  Sad to say, it took a fortune cookie to tell me that.  But if you had asked me this a year ago, I would have told you I was a failure as a woman because I couldn't get pregnant, and possibly a failure as a wife because I couldn't make my husband a father.  (And I can't promise through the course of this year that those thoughts won't cross my brain again.) But deep down I know this not to be true.  Our turn just hasn't come for some reason, and only God knows why.  Maybe he wants us to learn something sometime that we haven't quite reached yet, maybe he wants me to pass the awful CFP so my stress level decreases, or maybe it is something we haven't even thought of yet.  But my big goal for this year is to remember that I am not a failure and when I give up that is when I have failed.  So let's discuss how I intend to make these goals this year.

1) Get pregnant

I don't know.  I guess we will just take it as it comes.  We will try when we know we are supposed to.  We will have fun with it and do less of the things the doctor tells us.  We will research and discuss with friends and professionals how to move forward.  And we will take a break when needed.  And right now, our break continues.  We have decided not to have doctor intervention for a while and to concentrate on getting healthy and maybe everything else will fall into place.

2) Losing weight and reaching my goal weight (150-160)

This may be easier this year.  (I know I have said that before, but this time I mean it.)  Today, I cleaned out both our pantries and our refrigerator, and wiped them down.  They are now free of the "worse" foods for us.  J has agreed to eat healthier and while he said "you threw out all the good stuff, what am I supposed to eat!"  when he saw the pantry, he didn't argue with me or go fish it out of the garbage!  (VICTORY!) We went to dinner last night at Red Lobster (had 2 gift cards and kind of a last hurrah, although I ate rather well for being there I think!) and brainstormed what fruits and veggies he likes, and that we will grill more, and that he will start to work out aside from work and I will continue with Andrew (my trainer).  He (yes, HE) decided that he will only drink beer on the weekends or at special events - I said nothing to lead him to this. I know he will lose it faster than me as all men do, but I will not let myself get down because of that!

I will rejoin WW (beginning Tuesday) and will follow it to a T, knowing that when I cook I can cook for both of us and not one meal for me and one meal for him (or rather him fend for himself).  I will slowly work back into my workout routine (asked trainer and he agreed given how sick I have been), and we will proceed from there.  I will not let stress be an indicator to eat.  And I will always have healthy snacks with me.  I will cut back on my drinking, although usually it is only on the weekends, but then I binge and have say, a whole bottle of wine!  And I will be proud at whatever weight I get to, so long as I am healthy.

3) Passing the big nasty (CFP)

This one will be a doozy!  Right now, I will focus on the test at hand...the CFP4 that I need to study for and pass soon, preferably this month.  Then I will focus on the next and last class (CFP5) and pass that test.  Then I will focus on the big kahuna, big nasty.  And I will get thru that one, haven't figured out how yet, but I will.  I hope....no, I will!

4) Making my relationships stronger (hubby, family, friends and co-workers)

I think the losing weight thing with hubby will bond us a bit, because we'll be able to explore new recipes, workout together (maybe) and celebrate our successes. Family and I are pretty tight, but you can always draw them closer.  I will try to see my Mom more outside of work, and my Dad too - even when I am not swimming.  I will try to stay in contact with my friends better, even with just the occasional email to say "hi".  And I will try to get to know my co-workers better so that our practice can run smoother, and communication doesn't get to where it has been with past employees.

5) Succeeding at my job and with our finances

Part of this is passing the CFP.  Part of this is bucking up and doing more and quicker at work.  And part of this is keeping a closer reign on our finances and saving so if we do one day have to do IVF or adoption, there is money for that and the baby it brings home.

Something I know I do with weightloss and our finances is, in times of trial, stress or busy-ness, I binge.  So if we are talking eating, I go out to dinner and do the "just this once" thing.  If we are talking finances, I do the same, but with shopping at the mall..."this dress looks so great and is on sale, so just this once!"  I need to stop on both counts.  I know that is hard and I may fall back on both counts, but I think the eating healthier will help on both counts.  Anything worth doing, takes time!

So to sum up...life is what you make of it, and this year, mine will not be looked at as failure - even if we don't get pregnant, or I don't lose all the weight, because I won't stop trying.  We will continue until it happens!  Even if I am 80 and I finally get to 150, that counts!  Hopefully, that isn't the case...hopefully it will be around April - anniversary #6 - or May or October, or December 31!  But this year!  This is a good thing.  I'll say it again because this is what I need to remember...

"You don't become a failure until your satisfied with being one."

Goodnight folks...rest well!

Happy New Year! Welcome 2010!

First off, hopefully you had a great New Year's friends!  We (hubby and I) were very laid back.  Since I've been sick, going out was out of the question and J was tired from working all day so our New Year's Eve consisted of delivery pizza, a movie (Wolverine - not a bad flick) and going to bed far before midnight.  It was nice and quiet, and perfect.  Still getting over this illness that doesn't seem to want to let go!  But at least I am not wearing jammies today, thanks to our little visitor this morning. 

J decided to go out camping with one of his buddies tonight (crazy I know since it will probably be 30 degrees where they are - did he ask me to go, hell no, he knew what the answer would be - especially with me still sick.)  Anyway, so after sleeping in quite a bit this morning, we finally rolled out of bed and wandered downstairs.  J started packing up the truck with his camping gear and the quad, while I vegged on the couch with breakfast.  Pretty soon, I hear J open the door and ask me to put the dogs outside, so I do as was requested and then go to see what he needs - figuring he had the box for the Christmas tree.  When I opened the door to the garage, there is J with a little dog.  Now we have medium sized dogs (Sierra is 40 lbs, and Blazer is 50 lbs) but this dog was about the size of the cat (15 lbs?) and her little face was all covered in mud.  Poor thing looked like she had been out for a while.  No collar either.  So, I put the kitty in the bathroom so we can bring the little dog in and decide what to do.  Talk about a sweet heart, she would listen when we said come and stay and just wanted to be loved on.  She was a lopsa-apsa (sp?) and looked like she had had puppies recently.

So we start to talk about what to do.  I called Pima Animal Control and of course they are closed being a holiday and all and said maybe they could come get her tomorrow, if we were lucky.  So we decide to see how our dogs would react to this little one.  We bring Sierra in with the stray on the counter, and Sierra is going nuts.  Finally put them both on the floor and holding Sierra's collar, let them smell each other.  Yeah, that didn't go so well.  Both started baring their teeth and we knew this wouldn't work.  So we start thinking of friends we could ask to take the dog, just for a couple days and came up empty handed.  Finally, I think to call our vet and see if they can take her as they board dogs.  Of course, they are closed but give me another number to another vet.  Call them and they are open being emergency vets.  They say they will take her if she needs medical assistance, but if not they can't.  So more debating, and finally decide to try to take her there and hope they take her and can care for her until Pima Animal control comes to get her later in the week.  So I run upstairs to put on real clothes, and try to look a bit presentable, grab the kitty crate for vet visits and coax her in there.  J is still working on putting stuff in his truck.  Get the little gal in the truck and traipse over to the vet, who is thankfully open.  They take one look at the poor thing and agree to take her off my hands.  They scanned her for a microchip and found none.  But thankfully they took her and said they would clean her up and take care of her.  Breaks my heart that people just leave their animals out like that!  What a way to start the year, my good deed for the day is done.  Hopefully, someone claims her or adopts her soon.  I would have, she was so sweet, but we have a zoo and 4 animals is way too much for us!

So now, J is off camping in the wilderness and I am debating taking down the tree slowly.  Still getting my strength back and looking forward to a calm evening.  We both decided we will start our better eating regimen on Monday and be healthier going forward.  So that means back to WW for me, and meetings too I think.  Maybe not every week, but at least every-other-week.  I am afraid to get on the scale just because of the last couple weeks and no gym for over a week (gasp!).  Does coughing burn calories?

Anyway, whatever you did last night I hope it was fun and welcome to 2010!  I hope it is productive, less stressful, healthier and happier for us all!  Here's to positive thoughts, and positive tests! Cheers!