Christmas Eve 2009 (TMI alert!)

First, you know you have been dealing with infertility when...it ends up in your Christmas letter to the masses!  Yup, I stuck a little something in there, hoping to offset the comments from friends and family this next year, but it may have upped them a little bit - which is yet to be determined.  Anyway...I said, "The question has come up from many asking when we will have kids. At this point, all we can say is we are working on it and things of this nature take more time for some than others" just after I talked about us celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary.  I am really hoping it stops the question, but looking back we may get more un-thought-of suggestions!  Oh well, it's out there!

Second, I need to preface this blog with the post that inspired it basically.  That comes from InfertileNaomi who writes 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility.   Her post yesterday hit home more than she will probably ever know!  (Although, I did leave her a little note about it!) 


Anyway, let me begin.  AF is due tomorrow (what a wonderful Christmas present right?!) and I have this thought in the back of my head that maybe we will have a "Christmas miracle" although I keep pushing it down, as to not get my hopes up and then dashed again.  So reading the post referenced above, not only made me laugh, but (sadly) be grateful that I am not the ONLY one in the world who feels this way.  Now last month, AF surprised me, which she hasn't done probably since she blessed me with her presence at age 13(?).  She was actually 3 days early in November, as if to say, "don't even second guess yourself this month honey...it ain't happening!"  But at least it wasn't on my birthday or Thanksgiving or the weekend of my birthday-extravaganza-party! 

So this month, I have been expecting her since about Monday.  And she is a no-show, which doesn't help my heart in thinking that she may not pop up at all (I can hope right?!).  But the symptoms, or what I believe to be the symptoms, of AF (or PG - seeing as how many are the same!) are there.  Very tender boobs, slight headaches, cramps, bloating, and hunger like no other!  I haven't been regulating my drinking (although I haven't been drinking every night or even every weekend for that matter), or my coffee (yes, caffeinated) or lately Pumpkin Spice Lattes (until Starbucks ran out yesterday!) this month either.  We've been eating semi-healthy, but with the holidays and all the goodies and parties and stuff, that is hard to!  Plus, more than a couple late nights at work due to my classes and then making up the work that I missed during my classes. 


Now lately (here comes the TMI - if the above wasn't enough for you - so skip this paragraph if you don't wanna know graphic stuff), about the day before AF shows her oh-so-ugly face, I begin to spot.  And that surprises me too!  Especially because I have no cramps, what-so-ever, and in my world of AF, that doesn't happen at all!  But then the spotting disappears by the end of the day, and the next day, AF strolls in merrily and wreaks havoc on my system and makes me want to stay in bed all day with about 4 Aleve down my gullet. Yet, thus far today and yesterday, nothing but the symptoms, but no "down-south" stuff. (TMI over!)

So when I read InfertileNaomi's blog the other day, I laughed out loud and long because I was going through what she was saying at that exact moment and she hit the nail on the head about 3 times!!!  I even warned J that AF is due on Christmas to which he lovingly replied "OH GREAT!  And we are driving to Phoenix that day!"  What a dear, sweet, sentiment right?!  But as of yet, I don't know what is happening.



I have already informed my MIL that there will be no "Christmas surprises" this year, and while she is always supportive and even defends us around her parents and in-laws, I could hear the disappointment in her voice.  And I would LOVE-LOVE-LOVE to give her and my FIL (and of course my parents too) a positive pregnancy test in a box, but I am 99.99% sure that won't happen this year.  However, God is keeping me guessing these days. 


So a quick question, then a wrap up and then off to make lots of fattening goodies for the next couple days.


Question: How do you prepare yourself for this?  Maybe prepare isn't the right word?  Survive?  What I mean is, how do you hope without hoping too much as to upset yourself when AF does show up, but hoping just enough that your body and God hear you?  I've been told to tell myself "I am pregnant" even to the point of writing it on an index card and looking at it every morning and night.  To kind of tell my body, "hey, this is our goal, now shape-up!"  But in doing that, my hopes raise and raise and raise, and then AF arrives and the disappointment is huge.  Whereas, months when I have told myself, "this isn't gonna work" I feel like I am just telling my body that I don't want it to work which is 100% false!  How do you reach the middle ground?


As my dear friend Kate at Busted Plumbing puts it, she is a "Pollyanna" and that means "always trying to make lemonade out of lemons, always trying to looks on the bright side."  And I am definitely that person!  Even a friend in CO, who I haven't seen since we moved dubbed me that when we started emailing a few weeks ago about the situation.  So we turn to Christmas and happy thoughts...I took today off from work (YAY!) and just got done with breakfast with one of my favorite people in the entire world (yes Ms. T, that's you!) and her awesome children.  After I finish writing my heart out, I will head downstairs and create 2 varieties of mashed potatoes, 2 separate appetizers of Spinach Artichoke Dip, Scalloped Corn and Homemade Pizza!  Everything but 1 of the Artichoke dips and the pizza is for our trip to Phoenix with the ILs tomorrow, and the Pizza (dubbed Arizona Pizza by my Grandmother in Iowa) is for tonight after Mass with my parents and before Christmas present opening with my parents, my Grandma here, and our zoo of animals!  I can't wait!

So I bid you all a fond farewell until after Christmas, and I hope you all have a lovely holiday whatever it is you celebrate!  I appreciate you reading my (sometimes) innermost thoughts and issues, and your support!  Love you guys - even if some of you don't tell me who you are - and Merry Christmas!

Niki