Hi folks. Now I don't quite know why I feel the need to post this, but I kind of do. Maybe to show Fertile Myrtles how hard some days can be and how stupid we feel sometimes crying over these things. Who knows?! But sad to say, there are more and more than show up in random occasions. The names have been withheld to protect the victims of my outbursts...I mean loved ones. ;)
So a few stories, in no particular order.
Story #1 - My first IUI was in August of 2009 and we had high hopes that that would be the one that would fix this whole annoying/stupid/stressful situation. So we told everyone because there were lots of doctor's appointments and drugs and random things that had to happen that month. Obviously, it didn't work out and we were devastated (this was the day that I would just bust out screaming at the top of my lungs and crying hours after the news had come). Anyway, the day after we found out the bad news, one of my best friends' was having her baby shower for her first baby - something I would never dream of missing, especially because I had made a baby blanket for her, and was going to give it to her then. I knew a bunch of my best girls would be there and had even dreamed about how hard it would be to not tell them if we knew we were pregnant, especially because they all knew what was happening that week. But, we weren't and I told them so and asked that no one say anything the following day at the shower, and not to give me "sad eyes."
Well, as it happened, the next day was a rough one for me. I had to calm myself down on the way to the shower, knowing all the events that could happen. But I had told myself that I would be fine and I would breathe deep and not cry. Well...that lasted about 3 minutes. Walked in, got a couple hello hugs, and someone said something that was just a little bit (very little bit) about our little event and the tears just came. She passed me off to another friend's Dad, who was like a great big teddy bear, and just let me mess up his shirt while I got myself composed. It was so embarrassing and I felt so bad taking away from my friend's celebration, but it was just too close to everything that had happened and so much emotion wound up in all of it. Right there at our fingertips, and we couldn't grasp it. After that first bout, and a couple glasses of champagne, I was fine and good and back to mostly normal. But not the ideal way to arrive at a baby shower of someone I love like a sister. And everyone understood and I don't think anyone was upset with me...after all, how can you be upset at the Infertile girl who knits baby blankets? ;)
Story #2 - Even further back that the above story. About three months after we started TTC, another friend was getting rid of her kid's crib and changing table because her child was now old enough for a regular bed and they needed room, so my friend (God love her) gave me the crib and changing table knowing that someday we would need it. They were in great condition and beautiful, so of course we took them happily. We put it in our guest room and there it sat, and sat, and sat, and sat. Maybe about 11 months later, my lovely friend and I are chatting on the phone one day and she very kindly, very hesitantly, asked if she could have the crib back because they had fallen on some hard times and it would save them money and they had gotten pregnant again, kind of unexpectedly. And I burst out crying. Out of nowhere. Just flat out bawling. Now it wasn't the fact that she was asking for them back, because obviously we weren't using them, but the thought that skipped through my mind at that point was, "we should be using them by now. We should have a baby and be using them by now." That could have been the point that I really considered us as having a problem and needing more help from doctors. My friend felt horrid, and I tried to tell her it wasn't what she was saying, but rather our situation that she had no control over. I'm always glad to help a friend, and she had helped us with giving us this stuff, no charge what-so-ever. But my mind and heart couldn't get over, that we should have been using the crib by then and we weren't. We were the statistic (1 in 6 people will have infertility, or whatever it is. I say 1 in 6 because I have a group of 5 girlfriends from high school and they all have kids, and I am the one that doesn't. So that is my statistic, I don't know what the real one is!). That was a bad day, and it truly wasn't what my friend was asking for, but the sorrow I was feeling over not being able to get pregnant and not be the statistic. The little things tend to hit me the hardest, and God help the people around who get to witness the fall-out.
Story #3 - I had a neighbor who has since moved far away (just kidding T, it's not that far), but still remains a close friend, that I would walk with twice a week for about 45 minutes with one of my dogs and her only child (at the time). Anyway, I would go to her house about 5:45 am and pick her up, and we would walk along the Rillito River Walk and chat and just be the friends that we are. Well, that day I think I had been sure that I was pregnant for a couple days prior, and old Aunt Flo showed up and I was pissed. Let me rephrase that...livid with my body! So I am 100% sure that I spent the entire 45 minutes bitching to my wonderful friend about how I thought we were and we weren't and why was this happening to us and poor me, poor me, poor me, kinda talk. Lo and behold, we return to her house where her hubby has since gotten up (and come to think of it it may have been one of our evening walks, anyway!) and I walk into the kitchen and there are 2 pregnancy tests laying on the counter. I think I literally screamed, "are you pregnant?!" And she kind of half-heartedly nodded, and I felt like a tool. I said, "why didn't you shut me up? I just spent the last 45 minutes bitching about not being able to get pregnant, and you are! I'm sorry!" Now this friend is a gem, really a gem among gems and one of my favorite people, and she just said, "you needed to vent and I can do that for you." So I am very grateful to have her in my life, and that she still went on walks with me after that.
Last story - I guess this isn't really one story, but a compilation of lots of stories. What I mean is, hearing your BFF is pregnant can be the hardest thing to hear. Not that I am not super happy for them when they tell me they are pregnant, but I am sad it isn't me. For whatever reason, in my head, I believe that the "baby fairy" visits certain crowds of folks and only bestows one growing belly at a time. So whenever a friend has told me they are pregnant, my mind says, "well, there goes our chance for a while." I don't know where I got this idea, and I think it is pretty well gone by now. Could be that everyone has had a baby by this point, and now the stats don't work right. But, I don't go by this anymore.
I don't want to be a downer, and I actually wrote this blog a month ago but was determining if I should share it or not. This infertility stuff is a hard thing to deal with. And someone who got pregnant by the snap of their fingers (or, at least that is how it may seem to us Infertiles) may not understand the little things that can sometimes feel like little knives stabbing at your heart at random times, even though it isn't anything that Fertile Myrtle has done on purpose. I know I have talked before about the things Fertile Myrtles do that hurt us seemingly on purpose, but that isn't what I am talking about here. My best friends sharing the joy of their pregnancy with me, isn't trying to hurt me, they want to share the excitement in their life with a loved friend. And I definitely don't want to be left out in that! So my skin has toughened a bit, and in my heart, I know that the pregnancy fairy isn't rubbing it in our faces. But to my many Fertile Myrtles who read this, please know that we love your good news, and can't wait for the day when we get to tell you the same great things about us. But if you tell us your excitement, and we burst out crying, know that we have issues with our own bodies that we just don't know how to deal with. There have been more than a few times, when I hear someone I love dearly is pregnant, and all I can do is cry. And they aren't necessarily happy tears...but "why not me" tears. And I feel selfish and I hate myself for having those tears.
I have decided to post this now to a) explain random situations when you may have seen me and I have burst out crying for no apparent reason, b) to explain to those not dealing with infertility how these things can feel, and c) to remind myself how far I have come and how much I have grown. I think I am mostly past the "feeling sorry for myself point" (although I can't guarantee I won't go back there at some point). I have said this recently but after this post I want to reiterate it. I am in a really good place. I am not constantly thinking about getting pregnant (a big step for me) and I am not nearly the stress-case I have been the last few months and years, well, not about infertility anyway...more about my big-bad-test at the end of the year. I love all the support and the comments you give me (publicly and privately). I appreciate all the "followers" public and those who just visit and I never know about until they say something to me.
Last week was National Infertility Awareness week and while I didn't think I would do it, I did come out on Facebook about our issues. It was actually a relief and I had old good friends and old-new friends come out of the woodwork with support, admiration (!) and love. So it was a gift and I don't think I could have gotten here without my beloved Busted Kate. She has really been a God-send to me in many ways! Love you sister! I am stronger because of our fight and I know in my heart that God will bless us when the time and means are right.
Again Bleaders, thanks for the LOVE!