Sunday, January 16, 2011

Big nasty strikes again

Well Bleaders, I wish I had good news to report but I don't.

After weeks of waiting for test scores, it came yesterday (Saturday) and between my heart beating out of my chest, my breathing becoming rapid, and my hands shaking so hard, it was truly difficult to open the damn envelope.  I skimmed the letter to see what the outcome was, I finally happened on the word that let me know it all.  Unfortunately.  So no, I didn't pass "big nasty" this go round.  It totally sucks.  Big Nasty 1, Nikus 0.  The pass rate was 51.3%.  So apparently there are a bunch of other people feeling the way I do today.

Before the tears ensued (oh, and they did) I called my Mom and told her what had happened.  She was disappointed, like I was, but reminded me that I still have a job and this doesn't change how she loves me.  (It may change what I think of myself right now, but not how she does.)  There wasn't much to say after that.

I texted J to let him know because he was at work.  He responded that he was sorry and he was proud of me for taking it and that it was a really hard test, and just that, a test.  Also that he has faith I will pass it in the future and that he loves me.

Then I did a mass text so I wouldn't have to call everyone and tell BFF in San Fran, my BFF in Phoenix, Meanie Chrisitinie, Ms. Belly, Volleyball Queen, Busted Kate, Lobster, Katiegirl, Trainer's Wife, Megs, Michelle, Tri-Woman, Ms. T., to name a few.  Basically, everyone who knew so I wouldn't have to tell them and risk bawling my eyes out in front of them or on the phone.  So then there were mass texts that came thru, and a couple lovlies who called, even though I wasn't really in a chatty mood.  I did talk to BFF in San Fran, well, she talked, I cried.  I didn't talk to anyone else, because I was trying to hold it together and because my phone was ringing off the hook with texts so talking and texting would have been difficult.

Finally, the phone settled a little bit and it was time for a drink (which many people had recommended).  A large drink.  Yesterday was probably the first day in a long time that I was grateful I am not pregnant, because I have to start studying all over again and studying and being preggers, just doesn't sound like a good plan.  Especially with all the stress, and drinking.  J finally got home and I was hanging out on the couch, but when he looked at me I immediately began to cry.  I just felt like I let him and everyone down.  Kinda like when we didn't get pregnant after IUI #1.  I know he doesn't think that, but I feel like I did.  So more drinking ensued.

Then, some friends (who are also clients) from Phoenix were in town and needed to drop off a check for their account, so they stopped by.  I had already texted them letting them know the outcome and that I wasn't highly social at that moment.  They hung out and had a drink, and took my mind away from things.  Thankfully I didn't look too red-eyed when they showed up.  Hugs were good and no tears while they were here.

We ordered in dinner, because there was no way I was cooking last night.  And yes, it was greasy and oh-so-unhealthy, but I needed that.  WW would say "don't eat your feelings."  Well, I did just that last night.

And when we went to bed and I finally let J hug me, I cried yet AGAIN.  (It's really getting old to be this damn emotional about a stupid test.)  But at that point, I was so tired and intoxicated, that it was all I could do to hold my eyes open.  I don't think I even made it through Weekend Update on SNL, which I usually strive to do.

Amazingly, as I write this post I haven't cried.  I've felt my eyes well up a bit, but nothing spilled.  Ms. T finally saw my text from last night and texted back this morning that she was sad about the result.

I will say that I have incredible friends who even though I look at myself as a bit of a failure right now, they don't.  They aren't pitying me like I feel like they are.  I was reminded last night that the reason my friends feel bad is because they care and there's a difference between feeling sorry FOR me and feeling sorry WITH me.  (Thanks Katiegirl).

But, yesterday wasn't ALL bad - well, yesterday afternoon was, but yesterday morning wasn't.  I had Megs baby shower yesterday morning and that was a blast.  Megs and I have been friends since 2nd grade (that I recall).  She swears its been longer because we went to church together as kids and thinks it dates back to kindergarten!  I can guarantee though that it has been at least 21 years!  That's a long time.  To boot, much of her family is also clients of Mom's and mine, so they are additions to our work family and awesome.  They were all there so there were many hugs to go around.  I had made her a blanket for baby Liam and she opened it almost last.  There had been nothing else handmade at the party.  Here's a few photos so you can see just how adorable she is!

 Megs and her cutie belly, next to her beautiful cake!

Megs eating her beautiful cake, that was SOOOO YUMMY!  I should have snagged some to bring home!

Megs with all her presents.

Megs first glance at the blankie I made little Liam.

And she opens it up to see the whole thing.  Apparently the colors matched the room perfectly, but I didn't know that when I was making it.  (Her Aunt tried to steal it later claiming Liam could see it when he visited her in Phoenix.)

Friends for 21 years!  Megs and myself...although not the best photo of me, very cute of Megs.

So that was my day yesterday...first up, then WAY down.  At least I do have a bright point to look back and see.

Now, just have to figure out how to study to pass big nasty in March when I get to take it, again.

Fair warning Bleaders, I'll probably drop off the planet again for a while as I prepare.  I love you all, don't think I'm dead.  ;)


  1. Sorry to hear it didn't work out this time. I know it will happen when its supposed to, it all will. Tough part is knowing how to give it up to God and trust... Hang in there, study again, pass that damn test and then get to work on baby making (in whatever method. Positive thoughts heading your way!

  2. You look amazing in that picture. You are one pretty girl who is WAY too hard on yourself.

    I knit baby blankets too!

    We will suffer together. I will be studying with you.

  3. I'm so sorry to hear about the test. I know you put your heart and soul into it. Hang in there!

  4. So sorry about the test. But it's just a test! You'll pass it next time.

  5. Dear Nikus
    I am so sorry about the test. lots of hugs from me.
    That baby shower looks amazing, and a nice friend too.
    we'll get it right one day...

  6. I'm sending love, prayers and positive thoughts. It's a bummer when things don't work out how we hope, but I know it'll work out in God's time. You are an inspiration to me and have been since I was tiny. Thanks for being so open and honest on your blog. It is so special that you are willing to share. Love you Cuz!


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