Sunday, November 29, 2009

December begins,,,and other things do to.

First, let me say that I cannot believe Tuesday begins December and that begins the LAST MONTH of 2009!  That is insane to me!  Speaking of beginnings, AF showed up on Saturday night, a little early.  I was actually surprised by this which hasn't happened for quite some time with all the drugs, timing and testing.  Actually, first thing Sat I noticed some spotting (sorry, TMI) but no cramps - very not how my cycle goes.  This was the issue I was having that brought on the Progesterone tabs.  How quickly the body forgets what the drugs do.  So later Sat night the cramps showed and realization set in that we begin again.  Cramps have been bad, but not nearly what I have had in the past.  I'm hoping that they stay small because that means I may be over the endo, or at least I hope so.

Other than that, no real excitement on this end.  After the hubbub of Thanksgiving (way too much food and wine and more eating), things calmed down a lot.  All the Christmas decorations are up and now the shopping must begin.  Won't be a lot, but will be enough.  Now before I go, I need to count my blessings and reflect on something.

I am very lucky.  I have a family that loves me and that I love dearly.  Through the joy of friendship, that family continues to grow.  How many of my friends leave me or get off the phone with me and we exchange "I love yous"?  Quite a few.  I am blessed.  I have a house and a job and some spare cash - less this year due to all the fertility stuff.  But I still have some.  I can put food on the table and buy necessities and sometimes non-necessities.  There are so many people out there in need now, so I must be grateful for what I have.  Mostly I am grateful for the people in my husband, my parents, my in-laws (well, most of them), and my friends (aka adopted family).  I would do anything for them and I know they would and already have done anything for me.  I love you guys for all your support.

Now here is a reflection that you may or may not agree with.  I look at the world these days and the people without jobs or homes or food (i.e. things that are NEEDED to survive) and I think about my wish for the year, to have a child.  This is not needed to survive.  Sure it would make us happy, but it isn't necessary.  I look at all we have done to help this process along and all that we have spent and sometimes think that we brought this on ourselves.  No, I don't mean we brought the infertility on ourselves, but the situation.  This isn't coming out right...what I mean to say is we don't need to do this now.  Sure I am now 30 and my infertility only goes downhill fast from here, but if we had to go a year without doing anything about this, we could deal.  Someone out there can't go without food or shelter for a year.  It just doesn't work.  But going to the doctor and spending all this cash, could wait and sometimes I wonder if it should. 

Should it wait until Jason finds his perfect job where people respect him and pay him what he is worth?  Should it wait until we find a different/better/bigger/smaller/other house?  Should it wait until I pass my CFP (aka "the big nasty" - Certified Financial Planner) test?  I don't know.  I don't know that I can wait thru all that stuff.  But I definitely consider it.  We have time before we decide to go forward again, and to research and wait and talk.  I don't know that I could go another year without...but I may have to.  But could I go another year without trying and testing and doctors?  I don't know. 

I thought we were ready for a baby.  But it seems God has other plans.  As the year comes to a close, it also makes me realize that January 1, 2010 marks 2 and  half years for us, and that is scary.  It's not supposed to be this hard.  So now we need to reflect on what we have been thru and how we go on...and if we wait or if we continue.  No answers tonight, just thoughts.  Night folks.  I'm off to read about Santa!

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