Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Stopping the insanity

So obviously my blogs are becoming few and far between...sorry 'bout that.  I'm trying to not "think" about things so much, and since the blog is based on fertility or in my case, lack there of, this falls to the wayside and I have to come up with actual topics instead of what is happening with my body since I am "not paying attention" to it, well mostly anyway.

So today would be day 16 (if I were counting, which I am not really) and we haven't BD'd as much as we should have.  So there might have been a minor-in-house-freak-out last night when I realized all this.  By in-house, I mean, in my brain and there alone.  We BD'd on day 8 and 11, but then things got crazy and sick and tired, not the BDing, the partner.  Jason was sick last week so that counts out BDing for us, then the weekend got us out of whack and all of the sudden day 14 had come and gone. 

So last night as I laid in bed after realizing this, I had to calm myself down.  But it is hard to just "turn it off"!  After all, this process wasn't started with a jump, but rather a gentle roll where more and more things got added every month that we didn't get pregnant.  First it was not even understanding the biology of it all, then there was lots of studying involved to understand the biology, then the temping, then the blood testing and SA, then the first visit to the OB and the first Clomid, and the second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth Clomid, (interchanged with more visit to the OB), followed by the recommendation to go to the RE and the waiting for that and then canceling that and waiting for 2008 holidays to pass, then waiting again to be ready, then joining WW and losing 10 lbs, then starting the different drugs and adding more drugs, and then starting the IUIs which added MORE drugs.  Not to mention the blogging and constant research and finding old and new friends dealing with this, and the crying and screaming and praying and testing associated with all of this.  Let me tell you, not a walk in the park!  So going "cold turkey" (for lack of a better term) isn't the easiest thing.  Especially when I am so in touch with my body that it is frightening!!!  In fact, the thing that invoked the freak-out (yes it was rather minor because not a word came out of my lips) was the little pain in my belly that lets me know something is happening or has already happened or is about to happen - yes we're talking OV here. 

So I breathed deep and reminded myself that the purpose of this month and at the very least December was to TAKE A BREAK.  That meant that it was okay not to BD on day 8, 10, 12, 14, 15 and 16.  That means it is okay to have a glass of wine, or 4!  And it is okay to NOT think about the thing that has plagued my life for the past 2 years and 4 months.  (Side note - it amazes me that we have been going at this that long!)  It is really hard to stop.  And we aren't even about stopping something bad for me, at least mostly!  So I eventually got it out of my mind that life would go on if we didn't BD and probably be for the best because I will be drinking (probably heavily) on Saturday at my 30th birthday party, and that wouldn't be good if there were a baby.  But the thought still lingers in the back of my head.  Probably about the time it disappears, I will be ready to start again and re-learn all the tricks of the trade again.

Alright folks, gotta jet to start dinner and do some things around the house.  Kind of sad day tomorrow, so must prepare.  Funerals are never fun.  No one in the family, but close enough to warrant going.  Love ya!


  1. I understand completely. Did you see my "I prayed for peace instead" post? I absolutely hated that time. I called it "tumbling". I would just tumble those thoughts over and over in my head. You're in TTC Recovery, and you're in the jonzing phase. For me, I would repeat (over and over) "The Universe unfolds as it should"... I know it sounds weird but it kind of zen's me out. It reminds me that I haven't missed my chance because I forgot to BD or didn't take a pill. If this is my shot, then that other stuff will happen naturally. Do I sound enough Yoda to you yet? Do or do not... there is no try... :-)

  2. This is my first month of "TTC Recovery" as you call it. I will take that under consideration Yoda. That is what I kept thinking. If it will be, there is nothing I can do to stop it! Thanks for the insight!

    Any luck with the Femara?


    Got 2 BFNs this weekend, so now just waiting for AF... hopefully she shows up without progesterone. Then Femara... thanks to you I went to Dr. H and asked for an Rx while it was still free. Score! Thanks for much for that tip. Will leave a longer note on FB...


I love hearing what you have to say ... blog related or not! Dish away!