Thursday, June 24, 2010

My weight issue and how I get over it...or I don't.

As long as I can remember, with few instances, I have been not my ideal weight.  Don't get me wrong, there were times in my life that I weighed more than I do today - and probably weighed the same but looked very different and definitely weighed less (ahem, WEDDING!).  Don't worry, this won't be a post about me bitching about my weight (mostly)...I think.  And for most of my natural life I have been on some sort of a diet.  Or eating plan.  Then at some point, I have fallen off that and gave up caring about it all.  Many times, I have lost enough weight for myself/my family/my friends to notice and tell me how great I look, and I determine I am happy so I stop being so careful - then wake up one day a month or five months down the road and say, "Ugh!  Now I am not so happy!"  Like any person in the world, I have tried many things at different times and had them work, then not work, then work, then not work.

I was always heavier than my friends in school...any school.  All my friends were gorgeous and thin.  Maybe not rail thin, but lean.  They would exchange clothes and I would watch and want to participate but knew in my heart it wouldn't end nicely.  Now don't get me wrong, I was never HUGE...but that didn't mean I didn't feel HUGE.  There are quite a few times I can remember being truly embarrassed, or sad, or angry that I didn't look like my friends.  I hated gym (probably part of the never-ending circle of my weight - I hated gym because I was heavy, I was heavy so I hated gym, etc.) and did everything I could think of to get out of it.

I remember driving my the college campus (where I ended up for 4 years) and telling my Mom how beautiful all the girls were there and I couldn't wait to look like them.  She brought me back to reality saying, "You don't just look like that automatically, you have to work at it."  It was a revelation to me.

It was probably in late high school or early college that I really started to work out so I could fit in with all the girls I saw every day.  I took the 7 flights of stairs to my dorm room a lot.  I walked/biked to the gym, worked out, then walked/biked home.  I walked or biked all over campus to class.  I waitressed.  I took a dance class every semester.  I joined a swim team.  And I sometimes watched what I ate.  And I started to love how I looked and feel appreciated by others.  I started to have lots of dates and lots of boyfriends.  And it felt great, even if they turned out to be morons or jerks later on.  I also found my fashion fashion sense.  Not my best friend's.  Not my favorite celebrity's.  Mine.  Now don't think that I dress outlandish at all.  But I remember trying to fit into other people's styles. 

I remember shopping with my best friend for jeans at one point and struggling with fitting into them how I wanted to.  She mentioned that she sometimes did better with guy's jeans.  So we tried that.  After maybe 10 pairs, she looked at me and said, "nope, guys jeans don't work on you, you have hips!"  Again, revelation.  Maybe not like running into a brick wall, but it started to sink in.  In finding my own style, I began to see how to accentuate my assets and hide my flaws. 

Even when I was swimming 5 days a week for an hour and a half, working out at the gym the other two, waitressing 4 hours 4 nights a week, and running around campus 5 days a week to class, I wasn't far from where I am now.  I always say the weight went back to the right places.  It's not far off now, just hanging in some places that aren't appreciated.

I have this problem.  I LOVE TO EAT!  I love fruit, vegetables, meat, chicken, potatoes, bread, pasta, corn, ice cream, chocolate, crackers, chips, milk, cheese, Mexican, Italian, Thai, Chinese, sushi, breakfast, lunch, dinner, name it, I love it.  I have heard a lot that weight loss is 80% eating and 20% working out.  I have no issues with the working out...I have learned to enjoy it and kick my own ass.  I just need someone to follow me around and smack my hand when I want to eat something not-so-good for me.  That would help.  Or a personal chef...oh, but I kinda like my retirement plan where it is right now so don't expect that to happen anytime soon. 

My trainer is essential here.  Whenever we meet, once a month, I always need a pep talk and usually to be talked out of a diet crazy - last week it was the Body Bugg and Healthe Trim pills.  I know in my heart they won't work - the pills that is (and Dr. H said "hell no!"), the Bugg might but it won't match my work attire - but I need to be reminded that I need to suck it up and work harder.  And trainer does that, but not mean, just honest.  Then he kicks my ass and shows me that I can work harder.  Anyway, it happens monthly and last time he said, "we should tape these because we have the same discussion!"

This is kinda sounding like a downer, so I probably should tell you where it comes from a bit.  Nobody calls me fat but me, and maybe the occasional doctor, but even they say "only lose 10-20 lbs".  My husband has never uttered those words and almost berates me when I say it.  My friends are the same and that's why they are my friends...they pick me up when I am low.  I actually found some really cute clothes in the last couple days and not only turned dear J's head, but random men on the street.  I know because they told yesterday - twice, and one this morning.  He literally mouthed "WOW" as he walked past me.  So that perked me up a bit.  Now I would never even look twice at these men over my J, but it's nice to have that experience when you are feeling low.  Here's another one I just remembered that I blogged about last year.  Anyway, I was feeling great so on my way home stopped at Ross and JCPenny's - big spender - because I was looking for specific items that they should have.  And silly Nikus, at Penny's saw bikini's on sale...and I thought, "Oh, let's just try!"  I only grabbed one and barely put the bottoms on before I felt like I had gained 100 lbs!  It looked H-O-R-R-I-D!  I couldn't get that sucker off fast enough!  Needless to say, I didn't buy it. 

I won't say I am down because of it, but I am always wishing that it didn't take so much effort to do this.  I am very happy now that I know how to dress for ME, because that helps.  But I wish the scale would agree sometimes more-so...

I also think that if I could just lose these 15 stinkin' lbs, maybe I would have to gain 30 if you know what I mean.  I know, pregnancy is not the best weight loss plan, but I still think about it!  Can I breast feed now even though we don't have a baby?

It's now 10:14 pm and I swore I would be in bed earlier tonight.  Night lovely Bleaders and thanks for listening to my rant - er, pep talk?
I love this picture because even though I am eating a heaping plate of macaroni and cheese topped with TATER TOTS, I feel like I looks skinnier...arms, face, etc.  What gives?


  1. I totally know what you mean about the "if I lose 15...maybe I can gain 30". For me, when Dr. H gave me the list of "what to eat/what not to eat", I followed it very carefully, hoping and praying that significantly changing my diet (eating plan) would help me maintain a healthy pregnancy (after three losses). It also helped to educate myself on how sugars/gluten effect insulin levels...which effect hormone levels...which effect, well, everything. In the same way that we all hate it when someone just says "just relax", I really hope I'm not coming across as "just eat healthy". But for me, I do think that significant changes to my diet have been a big part of maintaining this pregnancy. But it didn't happen over-night--he gave me the list in Feb 2009...we conceived in Dec 2009 (I lost 45 pounds in the process). I think it took that long for my body to adjust. But do I miss dishes like macaroni and cheese topped with tater tots? Oh hell yeah! You look like you're in heaven! Hang in there, and know that I've gone through a similar struggle as well.

  2. O.M.G. I have this thought process/internal struggle/excruciating black cloud follow me ALL THE TIME. We have to let it go. We have wonderful guys who love us, we can do things with our bodies that other people can't, i.e. swimming....., and we are females in a male dominated industry. So what if we don't have 6 pack abs. We will be day :)

    I enjoy reading your blog!

    XOXO, Suzanne Updike

  3. Thanks ladies. It helps to know I am not alone in these thoughts.

    Laura - I have backtracked majorly on Dr. H's list. I'm not in the mood, so I'm doing what feels good. Mostly it's just coffee and alcohol, but I do my damnest to drink decaf and not that much alcohol. It will happen when the time is right...and apparently that isn't now.

  4. Hey chica - for the record, I always think you look GREAT. You've definitely found your fashion :-D You're one of the few who looks so put together, for work and for play, and looks trendy even in sweats...and I totally admire that.

    I understand the battle you're talking about (regardless of size, I think most women have to fight to find their sense of positive image)...but keep on loving what your body can do (I know your workouts are tough) and the feminine way it looks with the curves!!


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