Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Am I pregnant? (Don't get your hopes up, this is commentary!)

First off, I want to say thank you to all of those who commented on  my last blog My weight issue and how I get over it...or I don't.  Everyone had awesome things to say and it is greatly appreciated to hear, especially when the scale won't move an inch...seriously!  Same weight as last week, I am hoping it is because AF is lurking and next week I'll be down a bunch!  Anyway, wanted to tell you that I appreciated the thoughts of, "you are beautiful how you are," "I have envied you for ..." and "I love you because you are you."  They were much enjoyed!

Now to the main I said in the title, don't get your hopes up.  But I wanted to give you an idea of the thoughts that go through my mind, when we are actively not trying.  You should imagine that when we ARE trying, this amps up A LOT!  (AF is due today and is late, but I feel like she is here.)

Whenever anything goes awry with my body, the first thought is "Could I be pregnant?"  Which is usually followed by, "shut-up already!"  So here is how often I have this thought:

Before I have a glass of wine or alcoholic drink of any kind..."should I do this?"
Before I have a cup of regular coffee (I drink decaf quite often now)..."could this hurt a potential child I might be carrying?"
Before I put sweetener in that regular or decaf coffee or regular or decaf iced tea..."should I do this?
Before I eat anything on Dr. H's "do not" list (including but not limited to feta, tuna, sushi,)..."could this hurt a potential child I might be carrying?"
Before we make big purchase..."should we save our money for prenatal care?"

When I wake up on the day AF is due and she is a no show..."Could this be it?" Even if she shows up an hour later!
When I have cramps in the middle of 2WW..."is that implantation hurting?"
When I have cramps without AF showing up on time..."is that normal pregnancy feelings?"
When there is ANY kind of spotting, be it around AF or not..."is that something with a baby that I could be carrying?"

When I am nauseous at any point in the day, even if I have just sucked down a large meal..."is this morning sickness?"
When "the girls" ache for no apparent reason..."is this a sign of pregnancy?"
When I am hot and everyone else is cold...or vice versa..."is this a sign of pregnancy?"
When every smell is THAT more intense that I recall it being before..."is this a sign I am pregnant?"
When I have a headache, when I have a toothache, when I have a runny nose, when I have watery eyes, when my teeth hurt, when my foot hurts, when my knee hurts, when my back hurts, when my eyes hurt...even though I know some of these aren't signs experienced by pregnant women, that is my first thought..."am I pregnant?"
When I easily get mad/weepy/excited/sad/enthusiastic/angry/depressed/happy..."are these pregnancy hormones doing this?"
When I wake up and feel like I haven't slept a wink..."could I be pregnant?"
When I wake up in the middle of the night to pee 2 times...or 3 times...or 1 time..."could I be pregnant?"

I hope you get the picture dear Bleader.  Even though I say we aren't trying and in my heart I feel that I need to pass the CFP (aka "big nasty") before I get pregnant, I still have these thoughts.  I try to drive them away, but they are the first thing that pops into my head.  I don't know how to make them diminish, and I surely don't know how to make them stop altogether. 

I don't know why I feel the need to tell you this, but I had these thoughts this morning because AF is due and I feel yucky, but no appearance from her.  She is always on time, and she is late.  I won't test because I know the answer, but the thoughts are there and they won't go away until we get pregnant...then new thoughts will abound until I hold that sweet child in my which new thoughts will abound. 

I guess that is it for now...and I want to have a rum and diet coke (bad on both counts) to help the pain go away, but you know what I'll be thinking before that first sip...

"But what if?"

Night Bleaders...Love you all!

1 comment:

  1. I have to tell you this made me tear up for so many reasons. Mostly I think b/c even though we do have Gunnar and we are so blessed to have him, I know that I will never be able to have another. I know that I will never have those feelings, those "what if's" again. Pregnancy for me was never happieness and roses, in fact it was the hardest single thing I have ever done (but don't take ques from me, I had a BAD pregnancy, hence no more per dr orders)Anyway, in some strange way I do understand what you are going through. I walk through baby sections and know I will never buy for myself again. I get emeo when friends get prego. I look at girl clothes and am emvious that I will never have little dresses or pig tails or barbies. Then I look at my little man and it all goes way just as fast. I know your day will come, and when it does, you and J will make the most amazing parents to 1 or more VERY LUCKY baby(s)As you so well know, God works in mystorious ways. I know this has been a long hard road for you, but keep your chin up Girl, I know you will keep at it! I have NEVER known you to back down from something you want. I love you!


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