December begins,,,and other things do to.

First, let me say that I cannot believe Tuesday begins December and that begins the LAST MONTH of 2009!  That is insane to me!  Speaking of beginnings, AF showed up on Saturday night, a little early.  I was actually surprised by this which hasn't happened for quite some time with all the drugs, timing and testing.  Actually, first thing Sat I noticed some spotting (sorry, TMI) but no cramps - very not how my cycle goes.  This was the issue I was having that brought on the Progesterone tabs.  How quickly the body forgets what the drugs do.  So later Sat night the cramps showed and realization set in that we begin again.  Cramps have been bad, but not nearly what I have had in the past.  I'm hoping that they stay small because that means I may be over the endo, or at least I hope so.

Other than that, no real excitement on this end.  After the hubbub of Thanksgiving (way too much food and wine and more eating), things calmed down a lot.  All the Christmas decorations are up and now the shopping must begin.  Won't be a lot, but will be enough.  Now before I go, I need to count my blessings and reflect on something.

I am very lucky.  I have a family that loves me and that I love dearly.  Through the joy of friendship, that family continues to grow.  How many of my friends leave me or get off the phone with me and we exchange "I love yous"?  Quite a few.  I am blessed.  I have a house and a job and some spare cash - less this year due to all the fertility stuff.  But I still have some.  I can put food on the table and buy necessities and sometimes non-necessities.  There are so many people out there in need now, so I must be grateful for what I have.  Mostly I am grateful for the people in my life...my husband, my parents, my in-laws (well, most of them), and my friends (aka adopted family).  I would do anything for them and I know they would and already have done anything for me.  I love you guys for all your support.

Now here is a reflection that you may or may not agree with.  I look at the world these days and the people without jobs or homes or food (i.e. things that are NEEDED to survive) and I think about my wish for the year, to have a child.  This is not needed to survive.  Sure it would make us happy, but it isn't necessary.  I look at all we have done to help this process along and all that we have spent and sometimes think that we brought this on ourselves.  No, I don't mean we brought the infertility on ourselves, but the situation.  This isn't coming out right...what I mean to say is we don't need to do this now.  Sure I am now 30 and my infertility only goes downhill fast from here, but if we had to go a year without doing anything about this, we could deal.  Someone out there can't go without food or shelter for a year.  It just doesn't work.  But going to the doctor and spending all this cash, could wait and sometimes I wonder if it should. 

Should it wait until Jason finds his perfect job where people respect him and pay him what he is worth?  Should it wait until we find a different/better/bigger/smaller/other house?  Should it wait until I pass my CFP (aka "the big nasty" - Certified Financial Planner) test?  I don't know.  I don't know that I can wait thru all that stuff.  But I definitely consider it.  We have time before we decide to go forward again, and to research and wait and talk.  I don't know that I could go another year without...but I may have to.  But could I go another year without trying and testing and doctors?  I don't know. 

I thought we were ready for a baby.  But it seems God has other plans.  As the year comes to a close, it also makes me realize that January 1, 2010 marks 2 and  half years for us, and that is scary.  It's not supposed to be this hard.  So now we need to reflect on what we have been thru and how we go on...and if we wait or if we continue.  No answers tonight, just thoughts.  Night folks.  I'm off to read about Santa!

30...REALLY?

So Monday was the big day and I can't believe that I have been wandering this Earth for 30 years.  But what changed?  Nothing.  I still am very happy where I am in life and relationship with my hubby, family and friends.  I have grown my family (only by creating family from close friends who I consider sisters and extra parents).  I am very happy in career (albeit REALLY hard somedays to want to study for my CFP - aka "the big nasty").  And I am really happy with how far I have come in life and matured.  Yup, I said it...I have matured, mostly. 

Let's recap.  Thursday night, I picked up Michelle from the airport about 11:30 pm...way past my normal bedtime.  It was AWESOME that she flew in this weekend and great to see the face that I talk to on the phone so much.  Friday, I worked in the morning and let her sleep in.  Things went kind of haywire at the office because the computers started freaking out, but I took it to mean that the Universe was ready for me to have vacation and Michelle and I hit the mall.  Me to return stuff, her to purchase.  Friday night was pretty chill and that was great.

Saturday, the fun began.  Michelle and I got up (letting Jason sleep in) and headed over to my friend Heather's house where we frosted my birthday cake (Coconut - SO YUMMY!) which Heather and I had made Wed night.  On the way home we stopped at the Mall to return more things and when I came back to the car where Michelle was with the cake on her lap, the battery had died.  Couldn't find hubby and finally Mall Security (later referred to as small security - after drinking) jumped us and we were great.

Came home and got in the spa for a bit with coffee and just chatted.  Jason left to "run errands" and eventually we started getting ready for the PARTY at Blanco Sat night.  I curled my hair like you wouldn't believe - took FOREVER, and tried to look my prettiest.  Then another great thing happened, my BFF Kirstin was ringing the doorbell.  Now I would love to tell you that was a surprise, but it wasn't.  I knew she was coming and the anticipation of that was even better.  So pretty soon Jason was home and we were all ready to head to the party place.

Got there in perfect time.  Blanco's employees had arranged tables in a long table, and that really wasn't what I wanted, so the next half hour was spent re-arranging them to let people mingle and eat.  We decorated with tape that said "Caution 30th birthday in progress" and things of that nature.  About 5:15 pm our first guests arrived and from there it was a blast.  I think all in all, about 50 people showed up.  I have never felt so loved.  The things people were saying (how I looked, how they loved me, how they were so happy to be there, etc) really made my day.  The food was fantastic - nachos especially! (now let me say, if you have never been to Blanco Tacos and Tequila at La Encantada, you are MISSING OUT!  The food is phenomenal!  As is the manager and the staff and the atmosphere!)  and the drinks weren't half bad either.  But the company had to be the BEST!  I just enjoy watching my friends enjoy each other so much.  I know I looked at my watch a hundred times, not because I wasn't having fun, but because it felt so late - again, I am old!  Cake came out, people sang, wind blew the candles out, more drinks, more hugs.  Finally, it was clearing out and U of A was losing (only bad thing that happened that night) and we decided to call it a night.  Here's the best part - the bill was less than HALF what we were expecting!  Doesn't get better than that.  So of course we tipped well because they took extremely good care of us!

I know I was very tipsy because of the 7 White Peach and Hibiscus Margaritas and hardly any food (yes, despite all the food we ordered, I don't really think I ate much).  I know upon recounting the story of the stalled battery in the car with Michelle and Kirstin I said, "I called the house phone and the home phone and he still didn't answer" and "Small security saved us at Smacy's!"  That shows what a great night it was.  Once we lugged all the presents in - my friends are TOO generous!  The girls hit the jacuzzi, wine in hand, and Jason relaxed on the couch.  Finally hit the hay about 2:30 am!  WAY WAY past my bedtime.

Sunday, I couldn't sleep in despite the amount of alcohol consumed and the late bedtime, so I was up at 9 am.  Kirst joined me about 9:30 and we had breakfast and coffee.  Michelle joined not too much later and we decided to take a trip down memory lane for Kirst and me and a sightseeing tour for Michelle so went down to University (Frog and Firkin) for lunch and then wandered around the campus.  Great day!  Home again and was allowed to open a few presents, then dinner with Michelle and Jason and to bed kind of early.

Monday, up at 5 am - yes 5 am on my birthday - to drive Michelle to the airport, then back home and back to bed.  Jason and I both had the day off so we slept in and then had breakfast in bed, along with lots of presents - I will write thank yous, I swear!  Then time to hunt for a new TV since ours was on the blink.  After lots of shopping, we found one and ordered.  Then dinner with the parents (their 35th anniversary is the same day as my birthday) at Famous Dave's and home to assemble the TV and entertainment center!

WOW, what a weekend.  Today was spent studying even though I was "on vacation" duty still calls.  And tomorrow will be spent with friends and children, always fun.  Then lots of cooking on Thurs for Thanksgiving and Christmas decorating on Friday.  Probably lunch with another friend on Sat!  WOW again.

So thank you to EVERYONE who sent a card or a text or an email or a FB message or came the party or gave me a hug or took me to lunch or gave me a present or just thought of me.  My 30th was great and I can't wait to plan the 35th party...I know where it will be!!!  Love you guys!

Stopping the insanity

So obviously my blogs are becoming few and far between...sorry 'bout that.  I'm trying to not "think" about things so much, and since the blog is based on fertility or in my case, lack there of, this falls to the wayside and I have to come up with actual topics instead of what is happening with my body since I am "not paying attention" to it, well mostly anyway.

So today would be day 16 (if I were counting, which I am not really) and we haven't BD'd as much as we should have.  So there might have been a minor-in-house-freak-out last night when I realized all this.  By in-house, I mean, in my brain and there alone.  We BD'd on day 8 and 11, but then things got crazy and sick and tired, not the BDing, the partner.  Jason was sick last week so that counts out BDing for us, then the weekend got us out of whack and all of the sudden day 14 had come and gone. 

So last night as I laid in bed after realizing this, I had to calm myself down.  But it is hard to just "turn it off"!  After all, this process wasn't started with a jump, but rather a gentle roll where more and more things got added every month that we didn't get pregnant.  First it was not even understanding the biology of it all, then there was lots of studying involved to understand the biology, then the temping, then the blood testing and SA, then the first visit to the OB and the first Clomid, and the second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth Clomid, (interchanged with more visit to the OB), followed by the recommendation to go to the RE and the waiting for that and then canceling that and waiting for 2008 holidays to pass, then waiting again to be ready, then joining WW and losing 10 lbs, then starting the different drugs and adding more drugs, and then starting the IUIs which added MORE drugs.  Not to mention the blogging and constant research and finding old and new friends dealing with this, and the crying and screaming and praying and testing associated with all of this.  Let me tell you, not a walk in the park!  So going "cold turkey" (for lack of a better term) isn't the easiest thing.  Especially when I am so in touch with my body that it is frightening!!!  In fact, the thing that invoked the freak-out (yes it was rather minor because not a word came out of my lips) was the little pain in my belly that lets me know something is happening or has already happened or is about to happen - yes we're talking OV here. 

So I breathed deep and reminded myself that the purpose of this month and at the very least December was to TAKE A BREAK.  That meant that it was okay not to BD on day 8, 10, 12, 14, 15 and 16.  That means it is okay to have a glass of wine, or 4!  And it is okay to NOT think about the thing that has plagued my life for the past 2 years and 4 months.  (Side note - it amazes me that we have been going at this that long!)  It is really hard to stop.  And we aren't even about stopping something bad for me, at least mostly!  So I eventually got it out of my mind that life would go on if we didn't BD and probably be for the best because I will be drinking (probably heavily) on Saturday at my 30th birthday party, and that wouldn't be good if there were a baby.  But the thought still lingers in the back of my head.  Probably about the time it disappears, I will be ready to start again and re-learn all the tricks of the trade again.

Alright folks, gotta jet to start dinner and do some things around the house.  Kind of sad day tomorrow, so must prepare.  Funerals are never fun.  No one in the family, but close enough to warrant going.  Love ya!

Why do I want to be a Mommy?

I have had this question more than I can remember and usually I just brush it off with, "I have always wanted to be a Mommy." But lately, I have been thinking about it more and trying to come up with definitive answers. Plus some of the reasons I have have surprised people I think. They think of them as reasons not to have kids, and I think it is the best reason.

I don't know how this will sound so I am just gonna say it. Some people hate the thought of another person relying on them SO much, as a child does, but I think it sounds wonderful. I love many things that are expected of me. I went to a birthday party in another city for one of my BFFs in August and her husband looked at me and said, "as soon as we sent out the invite, we knew you would be here hell or high water!" I think that is the greatest complement someone could give me. It tells me that I am reliable, I love them, and they can count on me! So what is greater than a child NEEDING me for everything?! In my eyes, nothing. (Now ask me again after he/she has been born and I may retract that statement, but for right now, it is the greatest thing to me.) I think this also makes me feel needed. And in a world where people can fall by the wayside, being needed is a big deal! I had one job where I never got any recognition and I was scared for my job and it felt awful. Turns out I got laid off...hmm, connection?

I know my husband needs me, and were I to disappear somethings would be forgotten or missed, but he would make it because he is a smart man and would figure them out. A child would not be as resilient, depending on age of course. But even a teenager, needs their parents. I like being needed and expectations. Why did I do so well in school? Because everyone expected me to and I expected to! Why have I succeeded in life and love? Because it was expected and I expected to! Why are we not pregnant yet? I don't have an answer for that one. I expected that as soon as we decided it was time, we would be expecting. That one perplexes me.

Why else do I want to be a Mommy? Hmmm...some of our friends think we have it so great without kids. We don't have to worry about babysitters and diapers and tantrums. But when you want something badly (be it a promotion, a lover or a baby) the longer you go without it, the more you want it! Sometimes I look at our life and realize it is kinda boring (don't get me wrong, there are times when it isn't). Don't hate me because I am going to compare having a puppy to a kid, it's all I have to go on. When we got our puppies, and we have 2, and they learned to climb the stairs or pee where they should, it was exciting! We had taught this creature something good! So I can only expect that passing along greater knowledge to a child will be even better. Especially when they begin to say Mommy and Daddy. Passing on the things I have learned throughout my life and hopefully making the world a greater place, is a big deal!

I look at the kids of my friends and I see how they are compassionate, loving, polite and happy, and it makes me happy. Their actions also reflect on their parents and the very nature of their parents. And it shows me that my friends are great people - if they weren't, I wouldn't love them like I do! I admit I do have a favorite child of my friend's kids, probably because she was the first and whenever I see her she runs at me full force and hugs me til I can't breathe! What is better than that? Very few things come to mind. So having that in my own household, instead of once a month when I see my friend's child, can only be better. To be loved unconditionally!

So my question comes to you dear readers...why do (or did you before you had kids) want to become a parent? And, if you are already a parent, what are you grateful for now? Can't wait to see your answers folks! Ta ta for now!

Another blog and happyness

Hello my dears! I have two main points for today's post. Take that back, three.

First off, I reference another blog quite often and I think you might like it, so the address is www.bustedplumbing.blogspot.com. Kate is a wonderful writer and has been going thru this a little longer than us unfortunately. But for the most part, her spirit is amazing. She has her down days (who wouldn't going thru this?) but she doesn't let them beat her! Anyway, her issue is seemingly different than ours and her blog is 9-times-outta-10 hysterical!!!! I steal many things from her blog, so I figured I better plug it! Anyway, for those of you who haven't experienced this lovely voyage except thru my eyes, you may want to pop over there for a different perspective. Another cool feature is that her hubby sometimes blogs, and especially for me because sometimes Jason clams up, it is nice to hear the male perspective of this all.

Second, so I know last week I was kinda down stemming from the negative test and the little cold or whatever that I had. By Thursday, I was back at work and figured out that I really like when people rely on me (probably why I want to be a Mommy so much). I had a very productive, albeit busy day, but very accomplished at the end. Even went to see a client in Hospice and while I was sure I would end up in tears, I didn't (quite the feat for me!). He was in great spirits and I will go back to him again soon. Anyway, Friday a very good friend and her very adorable son went to lunch with me and that was awesome! Thanks Ms. Katie! It is always nice to just have girl time and catch up with great friends. Plus, who doesn't love watching a little boy fall asleep - so cute! Friday evening, Jason and I took a drive to Casa Grande (not the most exciting place to go) to see some friends in from CO for dinner and their 3 year old daughter. Very fun, even if the food at Mimi's was just okay and the drive was boring. Came home and passed out by 11 pm. On a Friday, I know - we are super exciting!!

Saturday was a LONNNNGGGG day! Up at the crack of dawn (well, for a Sat anyway) - 6:30 am. Jason was headed to Benson for a quad race, and I was going to the gym (since I hadn't been in a week and a half!) followed by a hair cut and color (THANK GOD! It was so bad, I needed help!), visiting my BFF in from San Fran, a little shopping, some U of A homecoming game (which they kicked ass at! 48 to 7 against Washington!), another meal out with friends - but with drinks now (there are some good things about not being on fertility drugs and taking a break) and finally home with the hubby.

The cut and color of hair was awesome. Kayla, my hairdresser is a rock star. Funny how a little thing like 3 hours in a chair with someone making you beautiful again really ups your self-esteem. Got a little Eegee's (if you haven't had this, you are missing out!) on the way to see my BFF in from San Fran and hang out with her before she headed off to a wedding with her BF. There again, there is nothing like hanging out with someone who knows all your secrets and won't judge you because of them and you can tell anything to, to brighten my day. Especially when I don't get to see her all that often because she lives in CA. On the way to dinner with more friends, found my boots for my birthday party - 2 pair actually. Met up with another best friend and his GF on University Blvd after U of A rocked the football game. Now I remember why I don't want to be in college anymore. College kids are stupid!!! Holy cow, never goin' back there! But it was fun to hang out and actually have a drink again!

Okay, so I won't give details (because ewww) but BD is so much different when there isn't anything "riding" on it. (No pun intended! ;) ) It's actually fun again! Nuff said.

Sunday, lazy morning with the hubby...hasn't happened for a while. Then doing stuff around the house before heading to another BFF's birthday party for her kids. Relaxing, fun and just nice all around. Home, dinner and then into the spa - again, haven't done that FOREVER! So nice once more.

So my weekend was great, albeit busy! But great to know that I have so many friends and because of that, so much to do!

Third, Kate posted this quote and she has yet again started me thinking:

“Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?”

This really hit home for me. One of my friends a while ago asked me, "when you pray, do you ask God what he wants from you?" Well, I started that and I do get an answer. It is so glorious. Now it isn't, "go give money to this charity" but usually one word. For instance, "patience." And that is all I get. So the above quote makes me think "how would God give one patience? or courage? or closeness to the family?" So giving the opportunity to have patience, etc. makes a whole lotta sense. Usually when I pray I think something along the lines of, "help us thru this process so whatever child we end up with is healthy whenever that may be, and help it be soon." Many times I pray for loved ones who need a boost (a friend sick or in the hospital or waiting to birth a baby or dealing with loss of job or loved one, etc.). I try not to pray for us a lot, but rather the people we love, however the prayers for us get in there too. But mostly they revolve around how to deal with this situation without going completely insane! When it gets close to testing time, I do pray that we are pregnant and if we aren't, that God helps me heal from that. But this quote has started to change how I pray and even how I think about this.

But now I need to pray that my class today will go quickly and I won't fall asleep. So talk to you later folks and love you all!

Bootstraps bitches!

Alright, so I admit to feeling down. This has happened the last three months...the week before AF I get nervous and a little weary. The negative tests shows its UGLY face and then I get a little depressed. I think the first time was the worst because we were both so sure it would work and now that we have hit round number three and that stupid line eludes us, it should be easier? But it isn't. I hit bottom and I just want to be in bed, but I can't because even though I don't have kids I still am an adult and have responsibilities.

This time was hard too. Add in the fact that I haven't been feeling myself lately, and while I was hoping it was the p-word, it was really a little cold or whatever. Monday was brutal. Woke up feeling awful and then when I finally start feeling better up top, AF comes barreling down the road and smacks into me like a mack truck! Well, at least that is a reason not to work out!

I know working out brings up my endorphins, but I have been so exhausted all week long. I just want to curl up and sleep...and sleep...and sleep it all away. But I work, and I study and chat with hubby and friends. I need to get back to the gym and I need to get back to eating healthy, and I need to get ready for my 30th birthday party and the people that will bring. I just need to pick myself up by my bootstraps and go...go! For today, I am good where I am. Class in about an hour and a half, study til then. Then relax and be there for someone else tomorrow. I will get thru this and I need my time off from this.

Thanks folks. Sorry if this post was a little crazy, but that is where I am at now. Later!

Cycle Day #28 - IUI Cycle #3 - FAILED again

So if you haven't seen my status on FB ("Nope, nope and nope. Three strikes and we're out, for this year at least!") then I will say officially that this cycle didn't work either. I am getting so sick of this. And this is why we have officially decided to take a break. No more drugs, no more docs, no more acupuncture, just BD...and drinking, probably lots of drinking.

Yesterday was a good day. We went and got new cell phones because Jason's had about had it and we got a smokin' deal because we knew the manager, so instead of paying $250 PER PHONE (yes Sprints sucks here) we only paid $100 each for fancy-ass phones. Went and saw Jenn, JT and new baby Marin at St. Joe's hospital and it became a party. I think there were 8 people there, not including Jenn, JT and baby Marin while we were there passing the littlest Ledford around. So adorable and so fun to hang out with those folks. I do love them. I even said to Marin, "you have no idea how big of a family you have!" So sweet. Now we even saw the video of the birth. Thankfully Jenn had a cesarean so it wasn't as personal as it could have been. I've never seen them pull a baby out so harshly (just goes to show you they are hard to break if the docs are that rough with them) and then after the doc cleaned off her uterus, she showed it to the camera, out of mommy's belly, and told us what everything was!!! I've seen the inside of my uterus more times than I can count, so that was actually quite interesting to me. Jason was not so much a fan.

Went and got lunch and then wandered around the mall, but didn't buy a thing! I still need a shirt and boots for my big 3-0 party, but no luck. Came close at Black House White Market (or is it White House Black Market? I can never remember), but no. Got home and Mom and Daddy came over for dinner and to help us hand out candy to Trick-or-Treaters. We had a slew and for the most party they were young and sweet. A couple that were too old to be doing it anymore, but for the most part even they were nice and polite. Watched Australia and then to bed.

Was supposed to go swim with Dad this morning, but when I got up and did the pee on a stick thing and it came back negative (at 5:15 am!), I really didn't feel up to it, so I crawled back in bed, but it doesn't really feel like I slept much. Finally got up about 8:30 am, quick shower and off to meet him for breakfast instead and drop jewelry off to a friend at the JCC. Surprised her when I walked into the locker room. She is such a doll, and while I hadn't spoken the words yet she could see something was up. So when she asked if I was okay, my eyes sprang a leak and she just hugged me and asked what and I told her I had tested and obviously she knew what the answer had been. She said the sweetest thing, "You deserve this more than anyone." But immediately in my head I thought, "then why is God punishing us and why is this taking so damn long?!" Force of habit I guess. I know He isn't punishing us, but I don't understand why he doesn't help us along. Anyway, scooted out of the locker room as the other women came in, I didn't want to make a scene. Got myself together by the time Dad came out and we went to a very nice breakfast. Stopped at the Farmer's Market on the way home and got homemade tamales and Green Chile Stew. YUM!

Came home and Jason was now awake. He had seen the test (I always leave them on the bathroom counter) so he knew. He let me just fall into his arms and cry a bit. He is adamant that this will work for us. And I told him that I feel like I am letting him down and he said that he doesn't feel that way at all. He says that God isn't ready for us to be parents quite yet and we just have to accept that. He knows we are both doing everything we can and right and now it is time for a break. He is so good about all this that sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky!!! I cried, because that is what I do. But he did point out that now I can drink at my 30th birthday party, and that is a plus!

So I guess that is my weekend. Off to wash the dogs, pay some bills, clean the floors, paint my nails and possibly start a new knitting project, but for me instead of someone else. I have made over 18 blankets (baby and adult) and nothing for me, so now is my turn! I'm excited and nervous all together, I've never made anything besides blankies!

I will continue to blog in our absence from formal TTC with docs help as we try and figure out what is going on, but won't be as knowing because we won't be going to the doc. I need to call them and get the next prescription for the injections because I think that is our next step, but I want to see if I can get them for cheaper from Canada or something. So I need some time. We both just need some time off, especially with the holidays in tow. Thanks for all your support, I really do appreciate it. You can't understand how this feels unless you have been there, and I hope those of you who haven't been there, never have to go! Love you guys!