Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Infertility is like cancer of the soul

Disclaimer: I do not know about Cancer first hand...only from dear friends who have dealt with it (and in that, destroyed it).  All I know is how it eats at your body.  Any views reflected in this post are based on my perceptions of Cancer and not necessarily real fact.  If I am wrong about specifics of Cancer, I am sorry.

It occurred to me the other day how I think of my body now in relation to infertility.  I've had bouts where I feel I have failed as a woman and in that, my body has failed me.  It made me wonder how someone who has had a disease, be it cancer or something else, feels towards their body with the disease.  Having never had something as tolling as cancer, I am at a loss.  So I can only speak from my experience, but I know that I feel differently about my body now.   I feel like it isn't listening to my heart and doesn't like me very much because of the paces I am putting it through.  I feel like I can't control what is happening - and I know this to be true.  I feel like my body has failed me.  There is no bug crawling through my veins creating this issue...merely my body not working right.  So it is hard to blame any "thing" because that thing is my body.

I know that cancer eats away at your healthy cells and takes the good out of your system.  Therefore, I had the thought that infertility is the cancer of my soul.  The stress and issues associated with infertility that I have been going through eat away at my well-being and sanity.  The infertility eats away at the fun in my life...the fun of BD with my husband....the fun of just living and not worrying that what I drink or eat or do will make this process harder....the balance in my bank account.

However, I will say that infertility has opened doors in the communication between J and me.  We had good communication before, but now we can talk about intricate things and not get as heated or upset.  We can have discussions and look out for each other...having someone to go through this process with is crucial.  We watched Guiliana and Bill again the other night on E.  They will be having their first IUI in the next episode and have started doing injections on the show...which I think is our next step.  We were both able to watch the show and discuss what was going on on it and that we had been there and knew a little bit about what they were feeling.  That is one thing that infertility has brought me.

I finally broke down and bought the Circle and Bloom program.  I haven't started it yet as I think the best time to listen to it is when I am driving to or from work, and I didn't go today due to my migraine.  But I am excited to have some relaxation help on this path.

I also had my 2nd month of no spotting before AF (yay!!).  That is a big deal to me.  I am hopeful that this continues and maybe we are now on the upswing. 

I will not allow my infertility to be the cancer of my soul.  No way, no how.  We will get through this.  We will conquer, with God leading the way.  But it will take work.  Sorry if this blog wasn't as flowy as my others, my thoughts are all over the place right now.  Thanks for listening Bleaders!


  1. Hi there. Thanks for the good wishes! Never ever give up hope (though i think I had a tiny bit) I think the no spotting is a GREAT sign. Keep up the positivity and keep that cancer of the soul away. Its sneaky just like the real deal and can do a number on you. Stay strong and lean on us bleaders! Sending good thoughts and baby dust out to you. Have a great day!

  2. That's a really good analogy. I'll have to remember that...


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