Monday, February 15, 2010

Could we live without a child?

We DVR'd Guiliana and Bill last night like we always do and watched it tonight.  It is becoming the show that both of us like and watch together, because it discusses what we are going least to some extent. So tonight's (or rather last night's) episode was an hour long (usually 30 mins) and about 2 things...again, their fertility struggles and their trip with friends to (where else?!) Tucson, AZ (Miraval) for what they call the "Rancic Challenge" which is about 4 events of sports and skill between 4 couples.  So that was all nice and good to watch, but they all got a little too competitive at the end and J and I both ended up defending Guiliana and Bill and their skill, against the rest of the crowd.  Then, in between, there were different discussions between the two, trips to the fertility doc and even a session with a therapist to discuss the fertility issues and how parenthood would change their lives.  One question the therapist asked that just made me break out in tears was, "could you survive if you were childless?".  I mean I was close to balling and that was the only reason why. 

I don't think I could.  I think I would go through any means possible to have a child be it IVF, adoption, surrogacy, whatever.  If someone told me I could get a kid by cutting off my left pinky toe or my right arm, or my right pinky toe, right arm and right leg and it was 100% fool proof, I would probably have a really hard time not attempting it.  I know we will go through stages and they all depend on our money situation.  But I will figure out a way for us to be blessed with a child, and provide a wonderful life for that child.  I don't know how quite yet, but I will.

I think J and I would survive together without a child...hell, that is probably the only way we would survive that battle.  But me alone, I don't think I could.  I want a child so desperately, that I will do anything in my power to make it happen. 

I'm eager for the next episode because it looks like they begin true fertility treatments (daily injections, and IUI) and that is our next step.  So since we aren't ready to go back to the doc yet, I am excited to see what they experience.  And even ask Dr. H if I need a colonic...I know that sounds scary, but it helped Guiliana's issue, so what is to say it couldn't help mine.  One more thing to add to the list.

Again, a stressful day on the work front and it turns out will mess up my entire week.  Oh well, gotta do what we gotta do to survive these challenges.  The wine helped tonight though - both glasses...and the ice cream - hey, Dr. H said ice cream was good for me right now!

To bed , I said.  Night Bleaders!

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