To be honest, my head should surely be in a book right now, especially with events of yesterday, but I feel the need to write so I can get some things off my chest and go back to concentrating.
So yesterday, there wasn't a whole lot of studying going on. A lot of crying, yes, studying, no. I did manage to study on the trip up...despite the radio on and the conversation between J and his sister (so now I know I can do this with distractions!). But 2 things happened yesterday that I do want to write about.
At one point, as we all were sitting around talking about Jo, it grew very silent in the room and without warning, J's dad said, "You guys are gonna get pregnant now!" His voice cracked when he said those words. I lost it. Although I had cried most of the day, I hadn't outright sobbed and I have never cried like that in front of his family. Well, that went out the window right quick. I broke down. J's parents know how we have struggled and have been amazing at not pushing for grandkids, even though we know they want them bad and we're the only hope for various reasons, going so far as to defend us to their parents who are also ready for great-grandkids, Jo included. Some people might read this and think he shouldn't have said that, but that is not how it came out at all. It was said with love and hope and because of the feeling that hung over the room, I had the same thoughts running through my head and he had just said them out loud. J's sister hugged me, which again doesn't happen often and comforted me. Jo really wanted great-grand-babies, and I had the fleeting notion that I had let her down by not having them by now. When I told J that on the way home last night, he quickly told me that was not the case and I told him I knew, but I couldn't help thinking that. He also then commented, "you know, if we do get pregnant quickly now, what her middle name is gonna be." I smiled, because I had already noted that myself.
The second thing really didn't happen until this morning. I do feel bad about not studying yesterday, but given the events of yesterday, the CFP just doesn't seem as important now. Don't get me wrong, I know it is a big deal but I have been so focused on it that yesterday seemed to be a blatent reminder that there are other things that matter more. J has thanked me time and time again for going to Mesa with him yesterday, know what was resting on my shoulders. But this morning as I made coffee and thought about yesterday, I had the thought that "well, if I don't pass, the world won't end" and "there are things more important than a test." Now, that doesn't mean I have given up or will not be studying my heart out until next Friday (ahhhh!!!), but (and you may need to remind me of this in January if I don't pass), it is just a test. It's not a life. I think that revelation actually calmed me down. A new but dear friend in the financial field (Suz) told me, "if you don't pass, you don't go to CFP detention!" I anticipate that I will hate to tell people I didn't pass (if that happens), but I've told people this whole time that "no we're not pregnant yet," so I'll be okay if it comes to that...but I have a new found calm right now. I'm hopeful that it will help and I have Jo to thank for that.
Now, if I haven't made you cry (what, are you made of steel? because I cried all through this post), please remember that what we value so much in life sometimes pales in comparison to life itself. And that there really are more important things than a test. Jo taught me that yesterday. (And today I learned that her newest favorite color was purple - which happens to be mine too - and all of us ladies at the hospital yesterday - J's mom, J's sister and myself - chose to wear purple, not knowing about each other or Jo. Hmmm....)
Hug the ones you love folks, because someday they may not be there to touch anymore. And say a little prayer for us...whatever you feel will help right now.
Love you Bleaders!!
(9 minutes after I posted this initially, Jo passed. Once she was moved back to the property of her assisted care facility, she let go...about an hour after arriving home. She's in no more pain.)
And a final little note, while J's parents were cleaning out her room today, they found the birthday card she had bought me (my birthday is November 23rd), it was signed and addressed, just needed a stamp. J and I both cried when he told me that. J's mom is going to send it to me. WOW, what a card that will be.