To say this week has been trying would be an understatement I believe. It's been incredibly trying personally and professionally. I won't go into specifics (have already discussed the personal side of things here and here), but here are 5 things that I learned or was reminded of this week that I would like to pass along as knowledge. I'm very hopeful you already know them and abide by them, but it was brought to my attention this week that not all people do. So here's a reminder or lesson:
1. Don't burn bridges - ever. You never know when the bridge you are burning will be needed again. There's many ways to get to the same end point, so even if a situation is killing you, killing the situation with kindness is a far better thing to do. If you are honest, you may get just what you want and still be respected for it. If you burn the bridge, not only with they always remember you for the fire, but they'll probably tell a lot of people about it too and you might get a bill for someone else putting it out.
When I was a waitress in college, we were always told, "do whatever it takes to make it better, even if you don't think it is that bad. If a person leaves angry, they will tell EVERYONE, if they leave happy, they may not tell anyone how great their experience was, but they'll come back."
2. Read all the rules, in fact, memorize them. If you break one, especially while you are burning the bridge, you may end up shooting yourself in the foot and doing the EXACT OPPOSITE of what you actually wanted to do.
The only example of this I can come up with happened this week and is thereby too fresh to discuss. Just know this...discussion of an issue is better than yelling and screaming to get your way, only to realize you were the one who was wrong.
3. Be honest, professional and respectful always. This goes back to number one. Do whatever you can to be all three and even a bad situation doesn't end up that bad. You can only control your actions, so do that. Control yourself, and let others get out of control. If you are always honest, respectful and professional, you should almost always be okay.
I had a job when we lived in Colorado that I had begun to be unhappy with. It ended up the week before I got married in Arizona, that I had an opportunity to leave that job because I had another company wanting to hire me and I had been wanting to work for them for a while. I walked in the last day before I was leaving for a week and a half and gave them my resignation, knowing they already had a temp set up for when I was gone. Over the previous 2 days when I knew I might be resigning, I had started to compile a list of all my passwords, everything I did that no one really thought about and projects I was in the middle of. After handing in my resignation, my boss told me that would be my last day since it didn't make sense for me to come back after being gone for a week and a half to finish my job for 3 days(regardless that I really didn't want to!). She was livid that I was leaving, but when I handed her a 3 page, typed synopsis of everything she had asked me for 30 seconds before, she totally lightened and was appreciative. I may have left them in the lurch, but at least they weren't cursing me when I left so abruptly on my terms and respectfully.
4. Do what you say you are going to do. This rule could go along with number 2. Don't be that person that did that thing. Finish what you start and do what you say you are going to well. Then no one can blame you for not performing what you said you would.
Again, a little too fresh to expand upon. So do what you set out to do, and you'll be golden! And don't blame others for when you don't finish...when you point at someone else, 3 fingers still point back at you.
5. Get over the entitlement factor. I think this is possibly the most important rule...Don't think you are entitled. Sorry, no one is entitled. I am not entitled to be the President of the United States. I am not entitled to a million dollars. I am not entitled to be a wife. I am not even entitled to be a parent. Work hard and show that you deserve what you want...raise, good marriage, child, promotion, breath. Just because you are alive doesn't mean you are entitled to what you want. Great things are earned, not given. I don't know where people get this entitlement factor. I do not recall ever having that. I was raised to work hard and earn respect, job, whatever.
I work for my mother. I can understand that many people think that I got that job because I couldn't do anything else. You could not be more wrong. Especially in the industry I am in and the family I was raised with, I have earned everything I have done. I have passed all the appropriate federally mandated tests of my own doing. I have worked hard to achieve what I have. Even as a child I had to earn my keep. I was never entitled. The generation that believes they are entitled needs a good smack, because no one is entitled. You must work hard and earn it. Get over yourselves. You reap what you sow, earn it.
WOW, that last one came out a little harsh. Sorry about that - its been that kinda week. Bottom line, be a good person, be respectful, and good things will come to you.
I know I bitch and moan sometimes about having not gotten pregnant yet, but I know there is a reason for that. I don't know what it is and sometimes I get mad about that, but there is a reason for this. God is waiting for something. It could be a part of my body to heal. It could be for our savings to be higher. It could be for CFP to be over. It could be for my stress level to be less. It could be that there is a baby waiting to be born from someone else that needs us as its parents. Or it could be something entirely different that I have no idea about and will never know. Whatever it is, all we can try to do is be good people, work hard and be happy. So that's what we do. And most days, we achieve it. And some days we even learn more about each other and appreciate each other for it. I have faith that we will get to be parents one way or another, in God's time. But until then, we just gotta make it through today.
Happy Weekend!
Friday, September 24, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Ways you know you are an Infertile (Stories of actual things that have happened to me this week)
Ways that you know you are an infertile:
When you take a urine pregnancy test because you are 99% sure you aren't pregnant, but the test is about to expire and to let it expire would be a waste of money. (And it still comes out negative, so you may choose not to believe it because it expired 9/2010 - which could mean 9/1/10 or 9/30/10 and today is the 21st, so WHO REALLY KNOWS?).
When you take a blood pregnancy test, JUST TO BE SURE you can have a drink to recover from the BFN you are anticipating from the blood test (that you took to hopefully offset what the Gods had in store for you - but it still turns out to be a BFN).
When every symptom you are having could be related to pregnancy OR stress, but somehow you relate them more to pregnancy? (I mean, who has ever heard of stress causing you to be clumsy, have hot flashes and be nauseous?)
When you believe that AF isn't showing up because you are so stressed out over other stuff, un-infertility related, that AF shows up when you are even more stressed out, the day before the doc said you need a $300 ultrasound to see WHY AF is late. (or at least, you think she does!)
When life seems so incredibly full of activities COMPLETELY unrelated to infertility, that when something actually happens that sparks a call to the RE, you get upset that you are back on that cycle and have to call someone to talk about the issue instead of just believing you will get pregnant on your own or continuing to "not think about it."
When you text your other infertile friends, and instead of replying with just a sad face, they pepper you with questions that even the RE didn't ask, and probably give you more answers (or at the very least - more questions) than you had when you hung up with the RE.
AND FINALLY, when you don't cry when the doctor's assistant calls to tell you the blood test was negative, but only when after texting your husband to clue him in, and he responds with "Thanks for letting me know...I love you!" (This is when you again realize that you married the perfect man and you are more grateful than you can believe.)
And this was just part of my week...more to follow hopefully tomorrow.
When you take a urine pregnancy test because you are 99% sure you aren't pregnant, but the test is about to expire and to let it expire would be a waste of money. (And it still comes out negative, so you may choose not to believe it because it expired 9/2010 - which could mean 9/1/10 or 9/30/10 and today is the 21st, so WHO REALLY KNOWS?).
When you take a blood pregnancy test, JUST TO BE SURE you can have a drink to recover from the BFN you are anticipating from the blood test (that you took to hopefully offset what the Gods had in store for you - but it still turns out to be a BFN).
When every symptom you are having could be related to pregnancy OR stress, but somehow you relate them more to pregnancy? (I mean, who has ever heard of stress causing you to be clumsy, have hot flashes and be nauseous?)
When you believe that AF isn't showing up because you are so stressed out over other stuff, un-infertility related, that AF shows up when you are even more stressed out, the day before the doc said you need a $300 ultrasound to see WHY AF is late. (or at least, you think she does!)
When life seems so incredibly full of activities COMPLETELY unrelated to infertility, that when something actually happens that sparks a call to the RE, you get upset that you are back on that cycle and have to call someone to talk about the issue instead of just believing you will get pregnant on your own or continuing to "not think about it."
When you text your other infertile friends, and instead of replying with just a sad face, they pepper you with questions that even the RE didn't ask, and probably give you more answers (or at the very least - more questions) than you had when you hung up with the RE.
AND FINALLY, when you don't cry when the doctor's assistant calls to tell you the blood test was negative, but only when after texting your husband to clue him in, and he responds with "Thanks for letting me know...I love you!" (This is when you again realize that you married the perfect man and you are more grateful than you can believe.)
And this was just part of my week...more to follow hopefully tomorrow.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
6 days late...stress
Why hello...let me introduce myself, I'm Nikus. I know you may not have seen me for a while, so don't want you to forget who I am! Sorry about that. I'll try and catch up on my life and where I have been.
Let's see, oh yeah, 6 days late. Don't get excited. Yes, I am truly 6 days late. No symptoms. Nada. No AF. No positive test. Finally called Dr. H's office yesterday and asked what we do. They said blood test. I didn't expect to be pregnant, but I also didn't want to risk if I was not knowing. So after boot camp, I went to get my blood work. Had looked up the lab before I left at 5:30 am, and they opened at 6 am. Perfect, boot camp then blood work then home. Right, no issues? WRONG! Boot camp....hard! Drove to lab - and first couldn't find it, then got to the door - locked. They opened at 8 am! I wabs there at 7:20 am. So, I figured I had looked the wrong one up and there was one close by that opened at 6 am. Instead of waiting for 40 minutes, I would go find it. I headed North...apparently, the lab wasn't North. Finally, pulled over and found it on my phone. It was closer to my house than the first place - ARGH! Called and got directions and tried to find it. Still no luck. Finally, at 7:55 am, decided to just drive back to the first lab and be first in line. HA! I walked in at 8:01 am and the waiting room was JAM PACKED with people. I was perturbed. I even asked and they said, "we open the doors at 7:45 am!" So got checked in and waited for another 20 minutes, then blood drawn (and vein moved - fun!) and then home. Finally, waited the 4-5-6 hours for the results and I wasn't surprised when Dr. H's assistant, Pamela, called to say no. She said if AF doesn't show by Thursday, call and we might schedule and ultrasound to see what's going on. Great....I don't have time for this. Texted J the results and being the great guy he is, he told me he loved me and we would continue to try.
CFP...yup, still working at it. Got further along than last week. Still working on it and getting stressed, but I push forward. I booked my hotel for Chandler, thanks to a friend and got a great rate at...wait for it...the Crowne Plaza! I know, insane...but cheaper than the Holiday Inn down the road! Amazing! Facebook ROCKS! Also registered for the exam...$595 later, so now I really can't back out. My boss will shoot me! ;) (Love you Mom.)
Drama. I won't go into details, but we have had some drama at the office which is adding more stress. Hopefully will be over soon, but that is here too.
I truly think AF is hiding out due to the stress, but I wish she would get over herself. I've skipped a period about twice before in my life. Once, at the start of this whole mess, and the second time sometime in the middle - which was then medically induced. I hope we don't have to medically induce this one. I'm happy being off the drugs, and don't want to go back. We'll see what happens. Plus, when Aunt Flow returns, she brings hell with her and it is twice as bad.
Weight loss challenge and Elite Performer. Still doing okay on both. Didn't win last month on Weight Loss Challenge, which is another reason for the blood work. Weight was going down great and then shot back up at the end of the month for seemingly no reason...no pig out, no lazy, everyday life. Now we're slowly moving down and still working hard at the gym and boot camp. I'm up to running about 21 minutes out of my 30, and at least 120 pushups Mon, Wed and Fri, in addition to plank 3 times for a minute to a minute 30 each. Trainer changed pushups and plank to make them harder on Monday, so hopefully in November, regular way will be a breeze. It all comes down to November. Elite Performer. CFP. Birthday. Thankgiving - start of the holidays.
One more update about my friends Mr. and Mrs. South Carolina who were trying to adopt and struggling. They were not able to adopt that child due to the grandmother of the baby (whose mother was essentially homeless and a drug addict) taking over. There's still a lot to go and they are keeping in touch, but this feels like a closed book. I know they are hurting, so prayers to them please. They will be great parents one day...just need the right child!
Want good news - it's about time right? Waiting Lisa got her baby! That's awesome. We're so happy. Busted Kate is still tootin' along in her pregnancy, a couple hiccups, but nothing she can't handle. There are some great things happening...and they will keep happening. Faith is a force not to reckon with!
This can happen. This will happen. I believe.
Let's see, oh yeah, 6 days late. Don't get excited. Yes, I am truly 6 days late. No symptoms. Nada. No AF. No positive test. Finally called Dr. H's office yesterday and asked what we do. They said blood test. I didn't expect to be pregnant, but I also didn't want to risk if I was not knowing. So after boot camp, I went to get my blood work. Had looked up the lab before I left at 5:30 am, and they opened at 6 am. Perfect, boot camp then blood work then home. Right, no issues? WRONG! Boot camp....hard! Drove to lab - and first couldn't find it, then got to the door - locked. They opened at 8 am! I wabs there at 7:20 am. So, I figured I had looked the wrong one up and there was one close by that opened at 6 am. Instead of waiting for 40 minutes, I would go find it. I headed North...apparently, the lab wasn't North. Finally, pulled over and found it on my phone. It was closer to my house than the first place - ARGH! Called and got directions and tried to find it. Still no luck. Finally, at 7:55 am, decided to just drive back to the first lab and be first in line. HA! I walked in at 8:01 am and the waiting room was JAM PACKED with people. I was perturbed. I even asked and they said, "we open the doors at 7:45 am!" So got checked in and waited for another 20 minutes, then blood drawn (and vein moved - fun!) and then home. Finally, waited the 4-5-6 hours for the results and I wasn't surprised when Dr. H's assistant, Pamela, called to say no. She said if AF doesn't show by Thursday, call and we might schedule and ultrasound to see what's going on. Great....I don't have time for this. Texted J the results and being the great guy he is, he told me he loved me and we would continue to try.
CFP...yup, still working at it. Got further along than last week. Still working on it and getting stressed, but I push forward. I booked my hotel for Chandler, thanks to a friend and got a great rate at...wait for it...the Crowne Plaza! I know, insane...but cheaper than the Holiday Inn down the road! Amazing! Facebook ROCKS! Also registered for the exam...$595 later, so now I really can't back out. My boss will shoot me! ;) (Love you Mom.)
Drama. I won't go into details, but we have had some drama at the office which is adding more stress. Hopefully will be over soon, but that is here too.
I truly think AF is hiding out due to the stress, but I wish she would get over herself. I've skipped a period about twice before in my life. Once, at the start of this whole mess, and the second time sometime in the middle - which was then medically induced. I hope we don't have to medically induce this one. I'm happy being off the drugs, and don't want to go back. We'll see what happens. Plus, when Aunt Flow returns, she brings hell with her and it is twice as bad.
Weight loss challenge and Elite Performer. Still doing okay on both. Didn't win last month on Weight Loss Challenge, which is another reason for the blood work. Weight was going down great and then shot back up at the end of the month for seemingly no reason...no pig out, no lazy, everyday life. Now we're slowly moving down and still working hard at the gym and boot camp. I'm up to running about 21 minutes out of my 30, and at least 120 pushups Mon, Wed and Fri, in addition to plank 3 times for a minute to a minute 30 each. Trainer changed pushups and plank to make them harder on Monday, so hopefully in November, regular way will be a breeze. It all comes down to November. Elite Performer. CFP. Birthday. Thankgiving - start of the holidays.
One more update about my friends Mr. and Mrs. South Carolina who were trying to adopt and struggling. They were not able to adopt that child due to the grandmother of the baby (whose mother was essentially homeless and a drug addict) taking over. There's still a lot to go and they are keeping in touch, but this feels like a closed book. I know they are hurting, so prayers to them please. They will be great parents one day...just need the right child!
Want good news - it's about time right? Waiting Lisa got her baby! That's awesome. We're so happy. Busted Kate is still tootin' along in her pregnancy, a couple hiccups, but nothing she can't handle. There are some great things happening...and they will keep happening. Faith is a force not to reckon with!
This can happen. This will happen. I believe.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Short and sweet!
Not gonna post a lot. But one of my blogger friends has been trying to adopt for AGES! They've gone through lots of riga-ma-roll of being looked at through the agency but never selected. I haven't checked blogs for weeks and I finally did. They have a baby! Please go check it out. http://waitinglisa.blogspot.com/
I am so happy for her and her husband. They have waited so long and now their dream has come true! Congrats Lisa! It's your time!
LOVE!
I am so happy for her and her husband. They have waited so long and now their dream has come true! Congrats Lisa! It's your time!
LOVE!
Friday, September 10, 2010
Rough day
I wish I had the patience to write a bunch right now, but I just don't. To make it snappy, today was a really rough day. I was really productive this morning and had a work lunch. Then came home to study and that is what has me depressed.
I got the first module down pretty quick (albeit while we were on vacation) of my CFP (aka big nasty) cram course down and moved onto the second. Finished the book and moved onto the quizzes on my computer, only to be stopped dead in my tracks. It felt like I had never seen this stuff in my life even though I had JUST finished the book and had passed the course back in 2008 (I think). I went through 3 quizzes in 4 hours (mind you, only 25 questions each) and didn't pass a single one. I felt broken. It was the first time I actually considered postponing the test until March 2011.
Trust me, the last thing I want is for this to drag on for another 6 months, but I also really don't want to have to take it twice! I don't think I have ever felt this defeated...I take that back, the first time was our first IUI that didn't work. But this felt horrid! I felt so very stupid.
I emailed the professor of the cram course with questions I had bumped into and my concerns, hoping he could lead me in the right direction. I do remember when taking the course for this module many moons ago hearing it was the hardest of them all and now I remember why. I have plans to review my notes from that course and see what I can dig up, but I am hopeful the professor will bring to light some things that I have forgotten and give me a little hope. Because right now, I'm out.
Having been up since about 5:30 am, I am beat. Night folks. Told you I wouldn't be posting as much because of this thing. Sorry to have to live up to that.
I got the first module down pretty quick (albeit while we were on vacation) of my CFP (aka big nasty) cram course down and moved onto the second. Finished the book and moved onto the quizzes on my computer, only to be stopped dead in my tracks. It felt like I had never seen this stuff in my life even though I had JUST finished the book and had passed the course back in 2008 (I think). I went through 3 quizzes in 4 hours (mind you, only 25 questions each) and didn't pass a single one. I felt broken. It was the first time I actually considered postponing the test until March 2011.
Trust me, the last thing I want is for this to drag on for another 6 months, but I also really don't want to have to take it twice! I don't think I have ever felt this defeated...I take that back, the first time was our first IUI that didn't work. But this felt horrid! I felt so very stupid.
I emailed the professor of the cram course with questions I had bumped into and my concerns, hoping he could lead me in the right direction. I do remember when taking the course for this module many moons ago hearing it was the hardest of them all and now I remember why. I have plans to review my notes from that course and see what I can dig up, but I am hopeful the professor will bring to light some things that I have forgotten and give me a little hope. Because right now, I'm out.
Having been up since about 5:30 am, I am beat. Night folks. Told you I wouldn't be posting as much because of this thing. Sorry to have to live up to that.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Apology and Vaca update
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllllllllooooooooooooooooo strangers! I'm back! Sorry I have been a little MIA, we went on vacation...yes, again. It doesn't happen like this very often, but this month, it did. However, this last vacation was a lot more quiet - so quiet, I even studied for CFP! EWWWW!! I know, on vacation and still studying....that is how important this test is. Anyway. Please forgive for my recent absence but please be aware that posts maybe be few and far between starting now and until CFP is over in November...or, hopefully over.
Not a whole lot to tell about this vacation, so I will just hit some of the highs.
We left Tucson on a wonderful 100 degree day and drove to Pinetop, AZ where the temp was a cool 75 degrees when we got there. Hard to believe it was AZ in the summer! My parents had rented a huge house for a smokin' price, so they invited us up for a few days. Seriously, house had 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms plus a loft with 4 bunk-beds and was pretty nice for $100 a night. I'm taking orders for next summer who wants to go with us - we can do 3 couples and maybe some kiddies...who's in at $25 a night to get out of the 100+ degree Tucson weather?
We had to stop in Globe, AZ for awesome Mexican food, then finally made it to Pinetop.
Not a whole lot to tell about this vacation, so I will just hit some of the highs.
We left Tucson on a wonderful 100 degree day and drove to Pinetop, AZ where the temp was a cool 75 degrees when we got there. Hard to believe it was AZ in the summer! My parents had rented a huge house for a smokin' price, so they invited us up for a few days. Seriously, house had 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms plus a loft with 4 bunk-beds and was pretty nice for $100 a night. I'm taking orders for next summer who wants to go with us - we can do 3 couples and maybe some kiddies...who's in at $25 a night to get out of the 100+ degree Tucson weather?
We had to stop in Globe, AZ for awesome Mexican food, then finally made it to Pinetop.
This is the "cabin." Just wasn't much of a cabin to me - more like a mansion...very nice!
Inside the "cabin."
That's my Mom on the left and my Dad in the middle, in the "cabin."
J on our deck. He's in heaven!
The days in Pinetop kind of blur together, because we didn't do much. I studied a bit, but other than that it was just a lot of walking around exploring, horseback riding and taking it easy. I did go horseback riding with my Mom's BFF, Cheryl. So here's some pics of that.
Me, getting on my horse.
Just kidding, this was really my horse, Yogi.
Bear tracks, right at the beginning of our trail ride.
Is this gorgeous or what? Yes, we were still in AZ.
Like I said, pretty uneventful, just lots of R&R between studying - which I didn't do as much as I should have. Actually had time to stop and smell the flowers...well, photograph them. Here's a favorite.
Finally, it was time to venture to our next stop...Hawley Lake, AZ, about 45 minutes North of Pinetop. J vacationed there with his family as a kid and I agreed to go, if we were in a cabin instead of a tent. So off we went...and arrived at our cabin, that was rustic at best.
Not horrible, but not the Ritz either. But it sufficed, even with the chipmunks in the attic at night and the random knockings on our door when no one was around!!!!!
J fished.
And apparently, liked what he caught.
What a beautiful place!!
This part of the trip was even MORE restful than Pinetop. I did get a lot of studying done here! A LOT! I also fished and caught some, caught crawdads and cooked them, read books that weren't CFP related, slept some on a bed of rocks (the bed was so bad, I took the cushions off the couch and put them on my bed and slept on top!), saw an elk, saw a ton of squirrels and chipmunks, ate fish that I caught, and played lots of Dominoes and Uno. One day, I even wore long sleeves under a sweatshirt and a jacket - in Arizona - in the summer!
It was a great trip, and hard to come back to 106 degree weather!
But we did return - after one more meal in Globe for good Mexican food!!
And for no other reason but to show off some stupidity, I have to post this last photo. Last night, we went to our friend Will and Colleen's Engagement party thrown by Will's parents (Will is one of my very best friends from High School). His Mom went to get the cake she had ordered, and this is what it looked like...
What is the world coming to that we can't even spell on cakes!? OY VEY!
Happy Labor Day Bleaders! Talk soon!
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