So if you haven't seen my status on FB ("Nope, nope and nope. Three strikes and we're out, for this year at least!") then I will say officially that this cycle didn't work either. I am getting so sick of this. And this is why we have officially decided to take a break. No more drugs, no more docs, no more acupuncture, just BD...and drinking, probably lots of drinking.
Yesterday was a good day. We went and got new cell phones because Jason's had about had it and we got a smokin' deal because we knew the manager, so instead of paying $250 PER PHONE (yes Sprints sucks here) we only paid $100 each for fancy-ass phones. Went and saw Jenn, JT and new baby Marin at St. Joe's hospital and it became a party. I think there were 8 people there, not including Jenn, JT and baby Marin while we were there passing the littlest Ledford around. So adorable and so fun to hang out with those folks. I do love them. I even said to Marin, "you have no idea how big of a family you have!" So sweet. Now we even saw the video of the birth. Thankfully Jenn had a cesarean so it wasn't as personal as it could have been. I've never seen them pull a baby out so harshly (just goes to show you they are hard to break if the docs are that rough with them) and then after the doc cleaned off her uterus, she showed it to the camera, out of mommy's belly, and told us what everything was!!! I've seen the inside of my uterus more times than I can count, so that was actually quite interesting to me. Jason was not so much a fan.
Went and got lunch and then wandered around the mall, but didn't buy a thing! I still need a shirt and boots for my big 3-0 party, but no luck. Came close at Black House White Market (or is it White House Black Market? I can never remember), but no. Got home and Mom and Daddy came over for dinner and to help us hand out candy to Trick-or-Treaters. We had a slew and for the most party they were young and sweet. A couple that were too old to be doing it anymore, but for the most part even they were nice and polite. Watched Australia and then to bed.
Was supposed to go swim with Dad this morning, but when I got up and did the pee on a stick thing and it came back negative (at 5:15 am!), I really didn't feel up to it, so I crawled back in bed, but it doesn't really feel like I slept much. Finally got up about 8:30 am, quick shower and off to meet him for breakfast instead and drop jewelry off to a friend at the JCC. Surprised her when I walked into the locker room. She is such a doll, and while I hadn't spoken the words yet she could see something was up. So when she asked if I was okay, my eyes sprang a leak and she just hugged me and asked what and I told her I had tested and obviously she knew what the answer had been. She said the sweetest thing, "You deserve this more than anyone." But immediately in my head I thought, "then why is God punishing us and why is this taking so damn long?!" Force of habit I guess. I know He isn't punishing us, but I don't understand why he doesn't help us along. Anyway, scooted out of the locker room as the other women came in, I didn't want to make a scene. Got myself together by the time Dad came out and we went to a very nice breakfast. Stopped at the Farmer's Market on the way home and got homemade tamales and Green Chile Stew. YUM!
Came home and Jason was now awake. He had seen the test (I always leave them on the bathroom counter) so he knew. He let me just fall into his arms and cry a bit. He is adamant that this will work for us. And I told him that I feel like I am letting him down and he said that he doesn't feel that way at all. He says that God isn't ready for us to be parents quite yet and we just have to accept that. He knows we are both doing everything we can and right and now it is time for a break. He is so good about all this that sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky!!! I cried, because that is what I do. But he did point out that now I can drink at my 30th birthday party, and that is a plus!
So I guess that is my weekend. Off to wash the dogs, pay some bills, clean the floors, paint my nails and possibly start a new knitting project, but for me instead of someone else. I have made over 18 blankets (baby and adult) and nothing for me, so now is my turn! I'm excited and nervous all together, I've never made anything besides blankies!
I will continue to blog in our absence from formal TTC with docs help as we try and figure out what is going on, but won't be as knowing because we won't be going to the doc. I need to call them and get the next prescription for the injections because I think that is our next step, but I want to see if I can get them for cheaper from Canada or something. So I need some time. We both just need some time off, especially with the holidays in tow. Thanks for all your support, I really do appreciate it. You can't understand how this feels unless you have been there, and I hope those of you who haven't been there, never have to go! Love you guys!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
10/27/09 - Cycle Day #23 - IUI Cycle #3
I know I haven't written for a while because I go from things to publish and things to not until later. This is a not until later publish.
So about 6 days from now I test. I've been having symptoms that I would love to associate with pregnancy, but also could be do to stress (headaches, cravings, fatigue, etc) as last week was crazy stressful. I think about taking that next test and hoping it says yes, but also thinking it won't because it never has before, but then this time could be different. I'm really trying to be optimistic, but now it is hard.
We've decided (and I may have already said this) that if this month doesn't work, we are going to take a break for the holidays. There is too much going on and that way I can drink for my 30th birthday party and we don't have to worry about scheduling things around holidays or the doctor's vacation. I figure we'll take at least Nov and Dec off and possibly a couple months in 2010 to recharge our checking account and ourselves and not concentrate on it.
I also have decided to stop all the drugs, even the Prometrium because it really is a pain! But, I will continue to order it as much as I can until the end of the month so that I can stock up and only pay $25 per bottle instead of $182 per bottle. It may seem like a waste of money when we don't have to, but that kind of savings is important before the end of the year comes and the deductible starts over. Plus the doc has told me I will need to take it for the first 3 months of pregnancy (which will really suck because now I only take it for 2 weeks and it is annoying), but we gotta do what we gotta do. If I can get another bottle and possibly a third, then I will be set for either 3 months of pregnancy or 6 months of trying for $75! Works for me!
Nothing else here, just trying to stay positive and sane (work has been a little hellish) and eat right. And study! I start my CFP 4 next week and I am not where I want to be. But life gets in the way of our plans sometimes. Looking forward to my 30th birthday party and seeing great friends and getting dressed up. But for now, off to find some lunch.
So about 6 days from now I test. I've been having symptoms that I would love to associate with pregnancy, but also could be do to stress (headaches, cravings, fatigue, etc) as last week was crazy stressful. I think about taking that next test and hoping it says yes, but also thinking it won't because it never has before, but then this time could be different. I'm really trying to be optimistic, but now it is hard.
We've decided (and I may have already said this) that if this month doesn't work, we are going to take a break for the holidays. There is too much going on and that way I can drink for my 30th birthday party and we don't have to worry about scheduling things around holidays or the doctor's vacation. I figure we'll take at least Nov and Dec off and possibly a couple months in 2010 to recharge our checking account and ourselves and not concentrate on it.
I also have decided to stop all the drugs, even the Prometrium because it really is a pain! But, I will continue to order it as much as I can until the end of the month so that I can stock up and only pay $25 per bottle instead of $182 per bottle. It may seem like a waste of money when we don't have to, but that kind of savings is important before the end of the year comes and the deductible starts over. Plus the doc has told me I will need to take it for the first 3 months of pregnancy (which will really suck because now I only take it for 2 weeks and it is annoying), but we gotta do what we gotta do. If I can get another bottle and possibly a third, then I will be set for either 3 months of pregnancy or 6 months of trying for $75! Works for me!
Nothing else here, just trying to stay positive and sane (work has been a little hellish) and eat right. And study! I start my CFP 4 next week and I am not where I want to be. But life gets in the way of our plans sometimes. Looking forward to my 30th birthday party and seeing great friends and getting dressed up. But for now, off to find some lunch.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Last baby on the shelf
So I have a friend also going through this sucky process, and she has just started a blog. One of her first comments was something someone said to her a while back and it really stuck with me:
"Your friend (whoever just told you they are pregnant) did not take the last baby on the shelf. She didn't cut in line. And she didn't take a baby away from you."
Now I know for all you people out there who get pregnant in the blink of an eye, this seems uber-logical and normal. But it really put this in perspective from me. I have had that thought before. "Oh, she's pregnant now, there goes our chance this month." What is happening to "her" has nothing to do with what is happening to me. God isn't laughing at me by making all my girlfriends pregnant and me not. (Trust me, there are times I have thought it!) It really sunk it with that comment.
Now, I will say that when a friend has told me she is pregnant, I have NEVER been mad at her. NEVER! I have been sad for us. Sad that we can't experience what they have or are or will. I have been upset that the pregnancy fairy seems to see our house and high-tail it to Mexico or Europe, as far away as she can get. But I have NEVER been mad at a friend for her good fortune and the excitement that her life has become. (So don't be thinkin' that ladies!)
This process is really hard. You watch your close friends, co-workers, Facebook friends, and even complete strangers get pregnant in a heartbeat, all the while counting your days until OV, taking fertility drugs, visiting doctors, trying not to think about it, and paying bills that insurance won't even consider cover so why ask.
Thankfully, I am surrounded by friends who have learned to let me come to them to tell them of my tale of woe. They ask and if I don't elaborate, they can tell I don't want to talk about it. If my eyes tear up, then they let me fall into their arms and just hold me. They don't let go until I do. And they never say, "can we talk about something other than you infertility?" They listen, they ask questions, and they research so they can have a taste of what we go thru month-in and month-out, for 2 years and 3 months. They tell me I look great and beautiful and in-shape. And if I don't say it enough folks, thank you. It does mean a lot. (I love you guys!)
Now, for the not-so-close friends who I may have mentioned we were trying to when we started or the random guy at the kid's party we are at that bugs us with why we don't have kids yet, SHUT UP! I know that seems like an easy conversation starter, but you have no idea what is going on behind the scenes. Be a little bit more contientous (sp?) and lay off. It's like bugging a recovering alcoholic to have a drink. So when someone says, "we're trying." Say "good luck" nicely and talk about the weather instead. We won't take it as rude, we are happy you aren't asking how long we have been trying, and "has she tried standing on her head after sex" or "getting drunk and doing it" or "forgetting about trying?" (The answers are yes, yes and yes, and yes to anything else you may think of that you think we have NEVER heard for the last 2 or 5 or 10 years of trying to conceive a child.) So just don't say it okay, it only makes you look like an insensitive moron. And makes me want to glue your car doors shut (sorry Kate, had to steal it, so good!). But those people don't read this blog, so tell your friends and co-workers and the random lady in the grocery store.
Alright, now that I have that off my chest, it is time for a shower. Oh, and if you are someone who follows the blog, but isn't a designated "follower", please let me know. I really like knowing who I am talking to. So please click the "follow" button so I can think of you as I write. Thanks! Later folks!
"Your friend (whoever just told you they are pregnant) did not take the last baby on the shelf. She didn't cut in line. And she didn't take a baby away from you."
Now I know for all you people out there who get pregnant in the blink of an eye, this seems uber-logical and normal. But it really put this in perspective from me. I have had that thought before. "Oh, she's pregnant now, there goes our chance this month." What is happening to "her" has nothing to do with what is happening to me. God isn't laughing at me by making all my girlfriends pregnant and me not. (Trust me, there are times I have thought it!) It really sunk it with that comment.
Now, I will say that when a friend has told me she is pregnant, I have NEVER been mad at her. NEVER! I have been sad for us. Sad that we can't experience what they have or are or will. I have been upset that the pregnancy fairy seems to see our house and high-tail it to Mexico or Europe, as far away as she can get. But I have NEVER been mad at a friend for her good fortune and the excitement that her life has become. (So don't be thinkin' that ladies!)
This process is really hard. You watch your close friends, co-workers, Facebook friends, and even complete strangers get pregnant in a heartbeat, all the while counting your days until OV, taking fertility drugs, visiting doctors, trying not to think about it, and paying bills that insurance won't even consider cover so why ask.
Thankfully, I am surrounded by friends who have learned to let me come to them to tell them of my tale of woe. They ask and if I don't elaborate, they can tell I don't want to talk about it. If my eyes tear up, then they let me fall into their arms and just hold me. They don't let go until I do. And they never say, "can we talk about something other than you infertility?" They listen, they ask questions, and they research so they can have a taste of what we go thru month-in and month-out, for 2 years and 3 months. They tell me I look great and beautiful and in-shape. And if I don't say it enough folks, thank you. It does mean a lot. (I love you guys!)
Now, for the not-so-close friends who I may have mentioned we were trying to when we started or the random guy at the kid's party we are at that bugs us with why we don't have kids yet, SHUT UP! I know that seems like an easy conversation starter, but you have no idea what is going on behind the scenes. Be a little bit more contientous (sp?) and lay off. It's like bugging a recovering alcoholic to have a drink. So when someone says, "we're trying." Say "good luck" nicely and talk about the weather instead. We won't take it as rude, we are happy you aren't asking how long we have been trying, and "has she tried standing on her head after sex" or "getting drunk and doing it" or "forgetting about trying?" (The answers are yes, yes and yes, and yes to anything else you may think of that you think we have NEVER heard for the last 2 or 5 or 10 years of trying to conceive a child.) So just don't say it okay, it only makes you look like an insensitive moron. And makes me want to glue your car doors shut (sorry Kate, had to steal it, so good!). But those people don't read this blog, so tell your friends and co-workers and the random lady in the grocery store.
Alright, now that I have that off my chest, it is time for a shower. Oh, and if you are someone who follows the blog, but isn't a designated "follower", please let me know. I really like knowing who I am talking to. So please click the "follow" button so I can think of you as I write. Thanks! Later folks!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
10/18/09 - Cycle Day #14 - IUI Cycle #3
So today was the day. Well, let me start with last night. Wildcats beat Stanford in a nail biter of a game, and it came down to the last 30 seconds, literally! But they did it and it rocked! Afterwards, we went out to dinner with Will and his parents at Old Chicago. It was very nice but very late for this old girl - finished dinner about 9:30 pm! YIKES! Yummy italian nachos tho! Had to BD just for safety and then off to bed, early morning today.
No swimming today, had to be at the doc's at 8:15 am. So up about 7:15, checked email, got dressed and started waking DH up - let me tell you, it can be a process. Plus he had "work" to do. Finally got him up and I headed downstairs to wait. Pretty soon, ready to go. Got there, no worries, I even thought (because we were running late) that if we got pulled over for speeding, I would tell him to follow us to the doc's office and ticket us there. But we didn't! :)
Got everything squared away - I had taken the office staff some cookies (Snickerdoodles) that I made for the jewelry party. Figured it couldn't hurt to have good juju, right? They were appreciated. Waited, and waited, and waited. Finally called back to our room, changed and more waiting. Doc finally comes in, thanks us for the cookies, and we begin. No nurse for whatever reason, so after showing us the vial with our names on it and our stuff in it, and asking us if we wanted to keep it (EWW, once again), we begin. However, he preps the catheter that is used to do the procedure, and hands it to DH to hold, so DH actually had a "hand" in it all. Anyway, nurse finally comes in and takes the thing back from DH and begins. Usually it is just a little pressure, but today was some serious cramping, maybe not SERIOUS, but moderately serious. And it seemed to take a long time, longer than usual. So I am choosing to take that as a good thing. Doc said everything went great, and there could be spotting, but thus far nada. So he leaves, and we wait, knees up, for about 10 minutes, then the timer (kitchen timer) goes off, I get dressed and we leave. Asked Doc on the way out when to start Prometrium, and he said Tuesday so will do.
Stopped at Starbucks in Basha's on our way home and got a iced green tea latte, decaf - well I think it was, but the box on the cup wasn't checked, but I didn't get a buzz from it either. I sure hope it was! Had a minor discussion with the barista about pregnancy because I was rubbing my belly and had asked about decaf. She asked, I said no, we just got inseminated and she said that she did that for an aunt, offered her eggs that is. Anyway, got my drink and wandered to the bakery for a croissant, but ended up with the other guy's 2 sugar donuts. Oh well. Came home, laid down for a while and watched "White Chicks." Finally, up for a bit to pay bills and do grown-up stuff, then make some lunch and surprise, surprise, it was healthy (turkey sandwich, fruit and carrots). I impressed even myself. Spent the next couple hours on the couch watching shows from the week that we had taped but had no time to watch, making sure to keep my uterus elevated.
Finally, made some dinner and relaxed some more. Now off to watch Desperate Housewives. Have Acu after the gym tomorrow, before work, to hopefully help with the whole thing. And then we pray.
No swimming today, had to be at the doc's at 8:15 am. So up about 7:15, checked email, got dressed and started waking DH up - let me tell you, it can be a process. Plus he had "work" to do. Finally got him up and I headed downstairs to wait. Pretty soon, ready to go. Got there, no worries, I even thought (because we were running late) that if we got pulled over for speeding, I would tell him to follow us to the doc's office and ticket us there. But we didn't! :)
Got everything squared away - I had taken the office staff some cookies (Snickerdoodles) that I made for the jewelry party. Figured it couldn't hurt to have good juju, right? They were appreciated. Waited, and waited, and waited. Finally called back to our room, changed and more waiting. Doc finally comes in, thanks us for the cookies, and we begin. No nurse for whatever reason, so after showing us the vial with our names on it and our stuff in it, and asking us if we wanted to keep it (EWW, once again), we begin. However, he preps the catheter that is used to do the procedure, and hands it to DH to hold, so DH actually had a "hand" in it all. Anyway, nurse finally comes in and takes the thing back from DH and begins. Usually it is just a little pressure, but today was some serious cramping, maybe not SERIOUS, but moderately serious. And it seemed to take a long time, longer than usual. So I am choosing to take that as a good thing. Doc said everything went great, and there could be spotting, but thus far nada. So he leaves, and we wait, knees up, for about 10 minutes, then the timer (kitchen timer) goes off, I get dressed and we leave. Asked Doc on the way out when to start Prometrium, and he said Tuesday so will do.
Stopped at Starbucks in Basha's on our way home and got a iced green tea latte, decaf - well I think it was, but the box on the cup wasn't checked, but I didn't get a buzz from it either. I sure hope it was! Had a minor discussion with the barista about pregnancy because I was rubbing my belly and had asked about decaf. She asked, I said no, we just got inseminated and she said that she did that for an aunt, offered her eggs that is. Anyway, got my drink and wandered to the bakery for a croissant, but ended up with the other guy's 2 sugar donuts. Oh well. Came home, laid down for a while and watched "White Chicks." Finally, up for a bit to pay bills and do grown-up stuff, then make some lunch and surprise, surprise, it was healthy (turkey sandwich, fruit and carrots). I impressed even myself. Spent the next couple hours on the couch watching shows from the week that we had taped but had no time to watch, making sure to keep my uterus elevated.
Finally, made some dinner and relaxed some more. Now off to watch Desperate Housewives. Have Acu after the gym tomorrow, before work, to hopefully help with the whole thing. And then we pray.
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