Guiliana & Bill UPDATE and Rules of Engagement (Spoiler alerts again)

Hi folks, have a little time before bed tonight and J wants to watch football, so I'm outta the living room.  I need to catch up on some shows, so here goes.  First Guiliana & Bill from LAST week (it's on again soon), then Rules of Engagement from this week.  Totally different scenarios.

Guiliana & Bill was a hard one last week.  It was the episode after the realization that they had lost their baby of 8 weeks.  I've never been in that situation, so I can only imagine how that feels and it makes me shudder.  I know it makes you stronger, yada yada.  But it just seems like it would feel like the world is crashing down around you.  Guiliana kind of moped around for a while (and I can't blame her, I probably would have hid under the bed with a bottle of rum) while it looked like Bill was ready to get back on the horse.  She needed to deal, and he was ready to start over again and NOW.  Bill pushed her on if she wanted to do it again right away, and she kind of put him off.

He just wasn't getting what she felt like, and how can he?  He's a man.  It's not his body that all this is taking place in.  She talked about how she was feeling and what was going on inside her head.  She opened up to one of her girlfriends who suggested she go see a therapist.  (Note:  Again I say, I have never been in her shoes here.)  Everything she said to that therapist I have thought, and possibly said to someone.  I have blamed myself.  I have felt like a failure as a woman and a wife.  I have felt like I am letting my husband down.  On the one hand, it was nice to hear that other people feel that way.  But on the other hand, I hated to hear that someone felt as awful as I have in the past because it is not a happy place to be.  It is the depths of despair.  I was right there with her in spirit.  The therapist reminded her that she had to explain to Bill how she was feeling.  Letting the feelings out helps.  And Guiliana's RE reminded her that, sadly, miscarriage is very common.  It's the body's way of dealing with a baby who isn't ready to be.  Just saying that feels wrong, but that is what their doc said and I have heard mine say that before too. 

Guiliana finally did discuss the situation with Bill.  He took a step back and listened to her.  The way he explained his feelings were that he knew they were on a timetable because of their ages and as a child he was always taught to "get back on the horse right away" after something didn't pan out.  So he was simply applying that theory.  I understand that theory, but here, sorry to say, it doesn't apply.  When your body has been man-handled like IVF seems, a little break (physically and emotionally) is sometimes what it requires.  He understood in the end, and told her he would back her no matter what.  That is what needed to happen.  I'm very interested to see what happens on the next show. 

Okay, now for happy news.  On Rules of Engagement, a sitcom (not reality TV), Audrey and Jeff have dealt with infertility over the course of the past few seasons.  They've done fertility tests, shots, and now have progressed to searching for a surrogate.  At the end of last season, they had one (Jamie Pressly) and then their buddy (Russell, played by David Spade) on the show "inadvertently" slept with her, so she was "tainted."  This show doesn't talk about it a lot, and it's only 30 minutes and a comedy sitcom at that, so its an interesting perspective on the subject.  Anyway, in this weeks' episode they are again interviewing possible surrogates since they can't get pregnant on their own.  They interview a couple and Jeff, possibly not inadvertently says something to upsets each one of them so they saunter off (one was a Yankees fan, and Jeff is a Mets fan so drama ensued there, while another was overweight and when she got up to leave he said, "guess we'll have to alter our timetable a bit until you have this one").  At these points, Audrey, his wife is seething!  I told J I would have decked him repeatedly had he uttered those words!

Finally, at the end, Jeff and Audrey are at Jeff's softball dinner and Jeff is desperately trying to win MVP of the season.  It's between him and Brenda, the "lesbian on the team",  who also offers great banter with Jeff (played by Sara Rue - who I love).  Audrey asks him to pay attention because one of the surrogates is supposed to call them that evening, and in any event, he misses all six calls because he's more focused on winning MVP of his intramural softball team. Again, she's fuming.  Audrey vents to Brenda that he is dragging his feet and driving her mad, and Brenda says she doesn't understand why it's taking so long.  Finally, the three are together and the subject comes up again and it comes out that Jeff is digging in his heels because the thought of a stranger carrying their child is scary to him.  I have to admit that I saw this one coming, but ... Brenda offers to be their surrogate because she knows them and they know her.  After a split second of discussion, Jeff and Audrey agree and there's lots of hugging happening.  It's a great step for the show, and I feel the media in general!

I'm kind of afraid of when the season will end because I assume that this won't progress very quickly, and I'd love to at least see Brenda get pregnant by the end of the season, and not leave us on a cliff-hanger, but well, they like to do that kind of stuff.  I'm really just glad that someone is broaching this subject...it's way past due!

I've talked before about one of my BFFs, and her sister, who have both offered me their bellies, should we need them.  I hope we never have to take them up on it (only because my dream is to be pregnant myself), but having that in my back pocket, feels really good.  One less hurdle to jump...if all the tests come out right, if we get to that step.  I'll be very excited to see how this goes and the few things that might be broached with this subject along the way. 

Now that I have exhausted my TV mind, I'm gonna go read for a bit and then sleep...allergies are getting to me bad!  Night folks!  (9 days and counting to CFP - YIKES!)

Results and a Glimmer

Hello Bleaders...are you noticing that lately I have two main topics that I write about, and lately neither of them have to do with infertility?!  Well, that isn't really on my mind lately.  It's all CFP clogging my thoughts lately!  Wow, that's a lot of "latelys"!  ;)

Not much time to waste, so we'll start off quick.  Remember how in August I mentioned that I had joined a program at my gym called Elite Performer?  Well, if you don't, here's that post.  This morning was my follow-up appointment and it was mostly good almost all good.  I didn't lose any weight, I actually gained a couple lbs, but I blame it on the wine from Busted Kate's shower yesterday (will post on that later when I have photos), and I didn't reach any further than before.  But EVERYTHING else was improved upon!  Yes, everything.  Just for a recap, here's where I was in August:
Push-ups in a minute:   37
Leg presses at my body weight in 2 minutes: 33
Plank (just hold):  1:45
Treadmill in 15 minutes, 3.0 incline: 1.05 miles

And this morning's (3 months later) results were....(drumroll):
Push-ups in a minute:  47  (Increase of 10!)
Leg presses at my body weight in 2 minutes:  47 (Increase of 14!)
Plank (just hold):  2:10 (Increase of 24 seconds!)
Treadmill in 15 minutes, 3.0 incline: 1.21 miles (Increase of .15 miles!) There was lots of running this time!

Trainer was very happy and said people very rarely increase in the Treadmill!  That's awesome!  It gave me some renewed faith in myself that even though the scale didn't go down, I improved upon my own performance.  There's actually a chance that I will win this thing!!!  Will keep you posted...won't know until January...what is it with test results in January!  Geez people! 

Okay, now for my glimmer...

Let's begin last Thursday...at bootcamp.  One of our campers was having his last day and we were all giving him a bit of a hard time about that.  Anyway, he is an insurance agent (mostly same industry as me, just a different aspect of it).  Before he left, we were chatting a bit (we really push each other and give each other a hard time) and he asked what this big test was that I kept talking about.  I said, "CFP" and he looked at me dumbfounded.  He had no idea what I was talking about.  He is the same industry as me and he doesn't know what the CFP is!  That killed me.  He has taken some of the other tests I had as well, and knew what those are, but CFP had eluded him.  How sad is that?!  Someone in my industry had no idea what I was working so hard for!  Well, then what was the point?!  I should just throw up my hands and quit now!  If even people in my industry don't know what I am busting my butt for, why do it!?  I went home a little dismayed...this doesn't sound like a glimmer does it?  Just hold on for a second...

Yesterday, at Busted Kate's shower (I promise to blog about that later, but need pictures from her...ahem!!) I was trying to mingle, but failing a bit.  At one point I was standing with Busted Kate and she was chatting with a judge she used to work with.  She introduced us and got us chatting a bit, including saying something to the judge about CFP that I was studying for.  The judge started asking me all kinds of questions, and telling me that she knew all about the CFP and how prestigious it is.  She said she would never work with a planner who didn't have those little letters behind their name!  She went on and on and on about how important it was and how great it was that I was doing this.  It really gave me a great lift, especially after Thursday's ordeal.  It gave me a glimmer of why I am doing this and why it is all worthwhile.  There was my glimmer...that, and that I may be able to pull this off.  I just may!  Busted Kate would say to be more positive!  I'm positively trying!

I can do this...I can do this...I can do this!  

I also downloaded "I have confidence" as sung by Julie Andrews in the sound of music.  Hopefully it will help as a reminder as well!  I tried looking for a video, but nada!  So here's the lyrics:

I Have Confidence, as sung by Julie Andrews (Maria - in The Sound of Music)
What will this day be like? I wonder.
What will my future be? I wonder.
It could be so exciting to be out in the world, to be free
My heart should be wildly rejoicing
Oh, what's the matter with me?

I've always longed for adventure
To do the things I've never dared
And here I'm facing adventure
Then why am I so scared

A captain with seven children
What's so fearsome about that?

Oh, I must stop these doubts, all these worries
If I don't I just know I'll turn back
I must dream of the things I am seeking
I am seeking the courage I lack

The courage to serve them with reliance
Face my mistakes without defiance
Show them I'm worthy
And while I show them
I'll show me

So, let them bring on all their problems
I'll do better than my best
I have confidence they'll put me to the test
But I'll make them see I have confidence in me

Somehow I will impress them
I will be firm but kind
And all those children (Heaven bless them!)
They will look up to me

And mind me with each step I am more certain
Everything will turn out fine
I have confidence the world can all be mine
They'll have to agree I have confidence in me

I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides which you see I have confidence in me

Strength doesn't lie in numbers
Strength doesn't lie in wealth
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers
When you wake up -- Wake Up!

It tells me all I trust I lead my heart to
All I trust becomes my own
I have confidence in confidence alone
(Oh help!)

I have confidence in confidence alone
Besides which you see I have confidence in me!

And to end a different way today, here's a quote my Daddy (yup, I'm 30 and I still call him that!) sent me before I went to Phoenix for my class that I need to keep repeating to myself:

We would accomplish many more things if we did not think of them as impossible. 

- Chretien Malesherbes

The Perfect Relationship - then vs. now

WOW, if I had the time to write all the crap that is rolling around on my mind, you guys would be reading for days on end.  I swear, I write the best blogs in my head at the most inopportune times...in the shower, before I go to bed when I am half asleep, as I drive, you name it, and I probably blog during it...except well, BD.  ;)

So where to begin...in the 16 minutes I have left this morning of free time...I'm really trying hard to stick to a study schedule and thus far I think I am doing pretty good.  Totally shut down email and facebook, and it's amazing how much you achieve when those are gone!  

Ok, quick note about CFP: a couple days ago I told you guys that I got the books I wanted online for free (technically because we had already paid for them).  Well, they came in on Tuesday and it was way more than I had imagined.  I wanted 2 books, I got 9, plus the online question bank!  SCORE! Now the only thing that bugs a little is they didn't tell me that before we paid for the course in Phoenix, but at least I have a couple different people's material to study.  The CFP Board doesn't have a course you can take from them, so other companies create their own courses and hope for the best.  Anyway, savings of $395!  1 point for Nikus.

Now to start what I have been writing in my head for days.  The Perfect Relationship.  I am not saying that J and I have the perfect relationship or marriage in the least.  In fact, we are probably the opposite of that...imperfect.  But we fit really well together...more on that later.  Anyway, the other day I was watching a chick flick and it dawned on me that til I got married, that is what I pictured as the perfect relationship, but I sure as hell don't now.  So let me explain...

When I was a little girl, and I played with Barbies, and I created stories for them, it always involved romance.  Childhood romance anyway.  Ken was always taking Barbie on extravagant dates and bringing her flowers and carrying her around the house in his arms.  And it was all very fantasy like and lovely.  Barbie always needed new clothes for her man, and they never fought.  Real, realistic right?  Hey, I was a little girl and I loved happy endings.  

Fast-forward to high school.  I had boyfriends in high school, but more often than not, I was watching other people (friends or not) and their relationships.  How their boyfriend always brought them flowers or fawned over them, and I didn't have that.  I was a little overweight and a little underconfident.  So I lived vicariously through friends and their relationships.   Don't get me wrong, I came into my own, but they never met my expectations of romance...could it have been that I was underage and immature, yup.  Could it have been that I was unrealistic.  Yup.  Anyway, what was sweet back then to me is so very different than now.  Then, roses and dinners out at fancy restaurants were awesome and that's what mattered.  It was awful to have a fight and for a long time, that first fight was often the last because the relationship ended right there.  So let's move on to now...

Again, I say that J and I don't have the perfect relationship, but we do have respect, trust, commitment, love and adoration of each other.  We may not see each other every day or even spend every waking minute together, but I know that when I get home he will be there...at some point.  I don't worry when he is late that he is out with someone else.  I know that he cares about me because I can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice.  So what is sweet in our relationship...and this could surprise you or you could agree, but here goes.  I love when he does things so I don't have to.  For instance, when I was in Phoenix last week, I knew that when I came home on Saturday I was gonna be tired.  I asked if we could go out to dinner with my parents, thus saving me from cooking.  Without question, he answered yes.  Then, we came home from that (to a house where I hadn't been for 5 nights) the house was pretty close to spotless.  We're not talking just tidy, we're talking clean.  (Side note - I have magnets on our calendar in the kitchen that tell me what chores I need to do that weekend, otherwise I let the cleaning get away from me.)  He had done every task, and a few that I hadn't posted, knowing that Sunday I needed a day to veg and it would save me time and energy.  To me, that is sweet now.  Thinking of how he can help me and make me happy. 

We do fight, but even that has respect.  We don't call each other names, and we try and not yell or cuss.  We've learned that getting the point across, doesn't involve as much yelling as we thought previously.  And throwing things (yes, there was some of that in the olden days) just makes more mess to clean up.  But fighting has its rewards!  

So what is romantic?  At this point, does it matter?  Sure, he gets me flowers when I goad him to on my birthday, but usually he tries to get something that won't die...like our love (he says that, I swear!).  He is a little cheesy sometimes with his lines, but the things he says are so cute and do come out romantic.   Even on my worst day, he'll walk past me and pat me on my behind.  No words, just a little pat.  I know what he is thinking, but to me it means a lot more...adoration, acceptance (that I am not supermodel skinny) and love.  The greatest gift he has given me is support through this whole infertility crap.  When I blame myself, he shoots the thought down.  When I hate my body, he loves my body.  And when my hopes are in the toilet, he pulls them out.  Who needs perfect when you have that?  What is perfect anyway?

Our 7th anniversary is in April 2011, and the "7-year itch" sits in the back of my head.  I don't think we'll have that.  Cross my fingers, but I think we'll be just fine.  

So dear Bleaders, as my time wastes away to write, I ask you to reflect on your relationships and possibly what you hope(d) them to be and what they are.  Maybe what was perfect back then, isn't perfect for you now.  I wish you an imperfect day!

LOVE!

Class Wrap-Up

Hello my lovely Bleaders...here I am, still breathing.  ;)  Let me apologize since this has turned from an infertility blog to a CFP blog.  Sorry, until I take my test this month (yikes, it's this month) and get my score in January, it will be on my mind a lot...and that means could very well end up on your minds.  Once we pass this point, it will be mostly infertility based again, I swear!

Since I took you along to class with me on Wednesday and Thursday, and then bailed on you on Friday and Saturday, I guess I better wrap-up how the rest of the week went.  I'm only giving myself a 30 minute break, and then it is back to the books.


Thursday night, I had looked up more questions to practice with from various sources online.  I looked up where I took my "undergrad" if you will at the College for Financial Planning and they had a bunch, but I couldn't discern which would help me most, so left them a voicemail, hoping to figure it out Friday morning before everyone left for the weekend.  On my way to class on Friday, they called me back and after some bantering back and forth about what was the best option (at $75 a pop for books) it was determined that I had already paid for the books that I was looking at online  and when I asked why I hadn't received them yet, was told they are only sent upon request!  What a load of huey!  Anyway, requested they be sent immediately and saved myself $150 in the process.  Great start to Friday!  Glad I asked a question!

Friday class progressed a little bit quicker, but we definitely had set-backs.  I blame Father-of-twins.  It was now becoming ever apparent that he didn't know a whole lot...quite frightening when some of the stuff was really easy things...at least to those of us who had actually been putting effort in.  Father-of-twins also showed up in slacks and dress shirt, as apposed to his previous two days of shorts, t-shirt and flip-flops.  Oh, and the ring finally appeared, which he consistently played with ALL DAY LONG.  Then it came out that at 4:15 he had to head out to a wedding.  Okay, not so bad, maybe get through more stuff without his silly questions.  We were also given a 60 question Assessment test to do (preferably that night) and return to Prof Steve the next morning for grading and help figuring out what to study.  OY...8 hours of class, then 2 hours of test.  I had smarted up a little bit by this point and when I got my Starbucks, I also got lunch at Subway next door, so didn't have to run out in my 30-min gap.  Father-of-twins left exactly at 4:15 and we got through some information in his absence, but Prof Steve still got off track somewhat.  Dashed out at 5 pm on the dot, and stopped at the Greek place I had eaten at on Wednesday (because it was that good, and mostly healthy) for a greek salad with chicken, and I did splurge and get fries...they were worth it!  Back to the hotel to eat and have a little break, pack most of my stuff up, then TV off, computer off and to testing we went.  WOW, was that hard!  I remember the subjects when they are in front of me being presented, but rifling through the files of my brain to find the answer during the assessment test was hard.  I was very honest with myself though and when I went back after I had finished the test and looked up formulas and stuff, I wouldn't change the answer.  Hey, better to get it wrong on the assessment than on big nasty right?!  Finally, finished about 9:30 pm, called J to say goodnight and climbed into bed to read a bit (or until about 11 pm - very good book - Last Night at the Chateau Marmont by Lauren Weisenburger - same chickie who wrote The Devil Wears Prada) and finally called it a night.  Had to be up really early on Sat to finish packing and check out of the hotel. (Also want to send a shout-out to my girl Suzanne, who has been so awesome at making sure I was still breathing during my whole class schedule...thanks lady, those emails did me A LOT OF GOOD and I'll do the same when you are taking the class!)

Saturday morning, up at 6 am...yes, 6 am on a Saturday is not happy.  But we opted to start class a little earlier at 8 am instead of 8:30 am so we could make-up for some lost time.  Got everything loaded up from the room, and out of the hotel by 7:15 am or so.  I stopped at Starbucks, then Paradise Bakery (to get lunch for later) and then got to class about 7:45 am...plenty of time.  Doors weren't even unlocked yet.  Prof Steve showed up a couple minutes before 8 am and we were off, sans Father-of-twins.  Prof Steve had left him a message telling him we were starting earlier, but as we discussed before he left for the wedding, it was an open bar, so who knows what went on.  He strolled in right about 8:30 am and said he had gotten the message, while he was driving to class.  So much for extra study time for him.  I felt pretty good about myself because I had found (the night before after my struggles with the assessment test) a different way to do one of the formulas, that was actually easier (from previous classes) than the one Prof Steve gave us.  So showed him that and he was impressed.  As was I, remembering an easier formula, than a far more difficult one that gave us the same answer.  YAY ME! 

Let me interject one thing here...I am a University of Arizona (U of A) alumni and grew up hailing to them.  Saturdays in the fall are college game days.  I had worn my U of A t-shirt, knowing there was a game that afternoon.  Father-of-twins walked in wearing an Arizona State University (ASU) shirt, and I immediately deducted smart points from his IQ.  I know some of you don't live in AZ, so I'll explain a bit here.  U of A and ASU have a longstanding rivalry.  HUGE RIVALRY!  We're talking when we play each other, at whatever school, the riot police are there just in case.  Relationships have failed due to this rivalry - I did date one ASU alumni and well, we aren't married are we?  (Although we still heckle each other consistently!)  In fact, my previous boss (whom I ABSOLUTELY ADORE) is an ASU grad (somehow she managed to get out of the school with her brain intact - unlike so many other graduates...need I remind you of this SNL skit...)



Anyway, rivalry is huge and I was none to pleased when I realized I would be spending my game day with 2 ASU supporters (Father-of-twins and Prof Steve)...then I learned I would not only miss part of the game, but ALL OF IT because it started at noon, not 3:30 pm like I had thought.  ARGH!  Oh well, here for a reason right...much more important than a football game.  Well, let's just say that there were lots of slams going back and forth all across the room about U of A vs. ASU, and U of A ended up beating UCLA, so that made me happy....at least I could rub it in right? 

We continue through the afternoon and about 2:30 pm, Father-of-twins reminds Prof Steve that he has to leave at 3:15 pm.  We all inquired why and he said, "I have tickets to the ASU game!"  That sent me reeling.  Really, we're gonna give up 2 hours of the last day of this $1,000 course to go to an ASU football game?  WOW, let me say again...ASU doesn't have some smart fellows.  (The one smart thing he did manage to say was that he "hates people of our generation with the entitlement factor" so I will give him points for that.)  Turns out he didn't even go to ASU, just moved to Phoenix and became a supporter...oy, I could go on and on here, but don't want to digress too much.  ASU did end up winning, 42 to zip, heck of a game right?  Good reason to leave class?  NOT!  Father-of-twins left and we wrapped class 2 hours later.  I got in the car and zipped home...an hour and a half, all the while blogging in my head about the week's events.  Chatted with J a bit, and then my Mom and decided to meet my parents at a place close to both our houses for dinner to download the week's events and have me some good MEXICAN food.  YUM!  Finally got into my house about 8 pm, with J towing in all the bags and settled down for a glass of champagne, hey, I deserved it!

Sunday was spent reading in bed and catching up on DVR...literally, that is all I did!

So now, a brief commentary on my thoughts of the class and if it was worthwhile or if another class would have been better. 

I believe this class was worthwhile, but was another one more worthwhile?  I couldn't tell you. I didn't take another one.  I chose this one (after much debate and price checking) because it was close-by and didn't have a bunch of people in it.  I wanted more close attention and I did get that, and will continue to get that as I continue to prep.  I feel that if I was in a larger class, we might have gotten through more material, but my questions may have gone unanswered and that would stress me out more than I am already.  This class was the only one in the state of Arizona, and I would have had to travel to California, Colorado or even back East for another class which means I am not only messing with a time change, a flight, and a car rental, but a larger class.  Would I have gotten more out of it?  Maybe, maybe not.  Would it have been more structured, quite possibly.  Whatever the case, I will say that I felt more confident walking out of the course than I did walking in.  So, that's a good thing.  Now it is up to me.  No one else is going to take this test for me...that's all me.  So here I go.............................................................

Thanks for listening, and bear with me if I don't blog as much over the next 3 weeks (aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!) as I like, there's a lot going on right now.  After the test, I'm good to be back and even took a little vacation to restore myself!

Thanks for your support Bleaders and have a great week!