A lady is never late!!

Hello dearest Bleaders!  How have you been?  I feel like I've been gone forever, but in reality, it's only been a few days.  I had to go to Vegas for a work conference where I learned a bunch, ate myself silly and drank everything I won't be able to drink in June!  I haven't been to the gym or boot camp since last week and while that doesn't seem like a long time, I'm really used to going at least 4 times a week, if not 5, so I'm feeling very blah these days having it be Thursday and the only exercise I have had is walking across casinos to meetings for 3 days and lifting heavily caloried objects into my mouth!

So what is today's title about you ask?  First let me back track a bit.  When last we left, birth control was supposed to be started this morning because AF would have started on Monday.  So while I took clothes to Vegas that were very loose fitting and comfortable, she never showed. NEVER!  I know some of you are thinking, "oh oh oh, maybe you are preggers!" but don't get ahead of yourselves.  That lovely lady that I refer to as AF tends to do this when something is riding on her timing...namely blood work, appointments or the beginning of meds.  Only an Infertile would be more than a little annoyed when AF is late!  Most people would be rejoicing, but not me.  I'm pissed!  Come on AF, just get here and get it over with so we can move on to step number 1 with IVF and BC!  And yes, I have taken 2 pregnancy tests!  One on Monday (negative) and one this morning (negative).  Does it really matter that the tests themselves were expired? 

Anyway, sent Holly H. a little message today filling her in on our dilemma and she told me not to worry too much as IVF isn't until June and we can not take quite as many BC pills if necessary to get us on the right timing.  However, if AF hasn't shown up by Monday, we need a blood test to make sure we aren't preggers before the BC happens.  Lovely....more needles!  Will keep you posted.

I must be a magnet for random events because two have happened in the past 2 weeks. 

First a little back story...a few months ago I began receiving weekly issues of US Weekly in the mail.  Now why is this odd?  Because I've never ordered, nor paid for the magazine subscription.  I watch our accounts like a hawk and have never seen hide-nor-hair of a charge or a bill!  So I've gotten used to the magazine now.  I read what I think is interesting, skipping all the teen pregnancy stories, and heading straight to things about celebrity weight loss, Dancing with the Stars, and other gossip that I probably shouldn't care about, but I do.  Takes me about 30 minutes to read the magazine while watching TV at night and then the magazine gets taken to the gym for Trainer to let whomever wants to enjoy it.  Odd, but not at all bad. 

Well the other day I was going through the mail and what did I see?  Not only a copy of US Weekly, but now a copy of American Baby!  Umm....huh?!  Again, have never subscribed nor paid.  When I go see the OB once a year she has a stack of copies for patients to take and I usually grab one to puruse for the day we are preggers, but that's it.  Still bewildered, I stuck it on the pile to read at some point figuring I wouldn't get any more.  But yet, when I got home last night at 10:30 pm (because our flight was delayed) there sat another American Baby magazine on the counter with the mail J had collected.  What the?!  I don't know if this is a sign from God that there's a baby on the way and I just don't know it yet, or somebody at the magazine's idea of a cruel joke!  So very odd!

Okay, next odd little story from the conference.  Had a seminar about something and ended up talking to the presenter afterwards for a few more ideas.  Immediately after that was lunch, so we ( Mom and I ) headed to the lovely spread the hotel had set up for our group, and found seats.  Here comes the presenter lady and I invited her to sit with us.  We chit chatted during lunch, remembered we had met at a previous conference, and soon the other people (including Mom) had wandered off somewhere.  We continued to talk and at some point children came up.  I said we didn't have any and were working on IVF in June, to which she immediately responded, "you'll be great.  It will work." 

I smiled demurely, thinking I understood that she was trying to be optimistic. 

She insisted, "this will work.  You'll see.  Boy and a girl." 

Now my jaw is hanging.  "How can you say that? How do you know?" I kind of demanded, trying not to scream.

She smiled, very sweetly and said, "I have a gift."  (In my head, I rolled my eyes.)  She saw my internal roll apparently and continued.  "No really.  Here's a story.  I work with my brother. He and my sister-in-law had one child.  A while back, I walked into his office one morning and said - your wife is pregnant and it's a girl - then walked out.  Two weeks later, they discovered she was in fact preggers and 9 months later she had a girl.  But I've done this numerous times before that too.  I feel your IVF will be successful."

Still reeling I managed to eek out..."a boy and a girl? At the same time?" 

She said, "possibly.  But definitely one of each.  And you better let me know what happens!"  We exchanged contact info and off we went.

How random is that?!  This person that I barely know can make this statement?  I don't know whether to be optimistic or think she's a nut job!  I'm choosing optimistic.

Is the world trying to tell me something?

Stay tuned....

And so it begins....?

Hello dearest Blogites...we're on the verge here.  The verge of many things.  CFP scores come in 3 weeks.  But even closer yet is birth control starts Thursday.  Yup, THURSDAY!  I know it's a small step, but it is a step none-the-less.

So, in that respect and out of some fear, I emailed Holly H. (I'll explain the name change in a bit) - the IVF coordinator at Dr. H's office to make sure I knew when I was to start BC.  Please note, AF is due tomorrow and I'll be traveling for a short conference, leaving J at home to his own devices.  Anyway, AF is due tomorrow and I wanted to make sure BC didn't start earlier than Thursday, when I'll be back.  Holly H. emailed me back and confirmed that yes, Thursday is the day to start.  This email came on Friday.  Now it's Sunday and AF is no where to be found.  (Only in an Infertile's brain is AF late even when she's not early!)  I had emailed Holly H. again after hours about some fertility vitamins that I won from Busted Kate a while back asking if we should take them or not and she emailed me this morning.  Sunday.  Easter.  I swear, these people always work.  Gotta love it!

The answer was, "if you can eat the nutrients that are in the vitamins, you don't need them.  If you can't, you need them.  So J needs to take them and you (me) should definitely be taking prenatals and folic acid of 1000 mcg per day."  Actually, her exact words were: Go ahead and have your husband take them, I hope that they are really big pills and that he gags on them, then you can say: "Well, Holly said that if you eat better, you won't need to take these, but since you don't......" :).  Ahhh....such humor!

And I had also asked her, because I felt especially close to Holly H. on Friday, a very personal question (see, told you the story of the name change would come).  I asked her if she was related to Dr. H because they both have the same last name and I know that his wife is an OB in town, so I knew they weren't married.  So when she replied to me this morning she confirmed that yes, she is Dr. H's sister.  Talk about a family run practice.  Dr. H (brother) and Holly H. (sister) get people knocked up and pass them off to Mrs. Dr. H to birth the baby.  No, you don't HAVE to go to Mrs. Dr. H once you are preggers, but it's not a bad idea because she really knows what you have been through with her hubby.  Anyway, from here forward, Holly will be known as Holly H.

So I emailed Holly H. back this afternoon thanking her for answering me not only on a weekend, but on a holiday.  Then, asked for a mini-synopsis of what J should and should not be doing...i.e. drinking, exercising, etc.  Because if it comes from her, it's easier for him to comply than if I nag him to do it.  ;)  I also let Holly H. in on the little AF scenario to see if BC would start later if AF was late.  AF tends to be late when something is on the line...like when I need blood work, when I need to start meds, when it will be really bad for me to have her because I'll be at work function!  So we'll see what she says. 

Okay Blogsies...I must be off for a little R & R before the craziness of tomorrow ensues.  Hope you had a wonderful weekend and Easter and I shall return Thursday...ish.

Why GQ Magazine, why?

I was at the gym on Monday.  After a great workout and grabbing my soon-to-be-last cup of coffee was ready to face the day when I stopped dead in my tracks.  Sitting on the counter was the latest copy of GQ magazine and there on the front it ready, "Diary of a Jerk-Off, a Fertility Junkie tells all."  Bag dropped, coffee nearly dropped, I literally stopped everything to read what GQ (of all magazines) had to say about Infertility.

The title on the index page said, "Wanna blow a fortune ruining your sex life?  Try having kids with a doctor's help."  Okay, thus far, still agreeing with the situation...sorry if that is TMI, but timing baby-making really isn't all that exciting.  Turn to page 90 where I started to get really angry.  (I couldn't find the article online, but Trainer let me "borrow" his copy - well, he doesn't know that he did, but I'm sure it won't be missed."  If you can't read it and really want it, email me and I'll send it to you.  I warn you, there is some vulgar language/cursing - after all, it is a Men's magazine.)

If you can't or didn't want to read the above, it basically consisted of how awful this man's sex life had become because his wife wanted kids and being that she was 40 now, a doctor was needed to try this.  Whoa buddy, if your wife wants kids and you aren't all that hyped about it...maybe you aren't married to the right lady or at the very least you need a discussion.  And how all this infertility stuff has really ruined his sexy, hot, charismatic wife.  He goes on to talk bitch about how he hates all the things HE has to do in the doctor's office...essentially, make his deposit into the cup.  Wow, you really have it rough don't ya bud?!

He goes on to diss about how he doesn't have a great room to do his business, and how the videos are old! Hmmm....maybe because as J likes to say, "he's just the delivery truck" and he doesn't need all the special devices that his wife needs - like hmm....the needles, the drugs, the ultrasound machine, etc.  And he plays one part in all this, and while it is important, it really isn't very painful.  Let's talk about what his wife has gone through...he mentioned IVF.  So at the very least, she has given herself 2 shots a day for weeks at a time, she's been opened up to have eggs retrieved, more shots, embreyos hopefully put back in and then if all this doesn't sound fun enough, she gets to wait for 2 weeks and hope with every essence of her being that she is pregnant so that in 9 more months she can pop a watermelon out of a hole the size of a lemon!  Sign me up, that sounds like a great vacation!

I was so mad when I walked out of the gym at this guy.  He really was only looking out for him and his "poor me" attitude.  I wonder what his wife said when she read the article.  It was really written than he was the only one suffering and he was "struggling" through because SHE WANTED kids and he loved her.  Wow, how noble of you!

I thought about taking the article with me to show J, but then worried he might agree with the guy on some level and I would shoot him! :)  So I would love for a guy to read the article, after having his wife go through all this, and give me his opinion.  Any takers?

National Infertility Awareness Week - READ ME NOW!!!

Last year around this time, I came out of the "Infertile" closet so to speak and not only proclaimed "I am an Infertile" on Facebook, added my blog to my FB page and wrote a couple posts about our fertility journey.  Click here, here and here.  The first and second post, were specifically about our journey.  The last post was a video a very wise woman made about how it feels to be an Infertile.  Very touching, please watch.

So here we are, a year later and still no baby but with IVF seriously just around the corner.  It's an odd situation to be in and one that I am still figuring out.  On the one hand, I'm excited that we are taking the next step in our journey and very grateful for all the support I have received.  On the other hand, I'm nervous for myself and the people who support me.  I think many of them think that this will fix everything and it's possible that it won't produce a child.  I know that no one thinks I am letting them down, but I could feel that my body is letting me down and thus I am letting everyone down.  That I can't get pregnant.  That our savings is now depleted and where do we go from here.  I hope we don't experience that, but I have to prepare myself for it.  It's hard to be optimistic and guarded at the same time.  It changes from day-to-day.

Melslaw asked me if I was ready for the possibility of it not working when I told her we were starting IVF.  After a moment of pondering I replied yes.  I know that it may not work, but I also know that it may.  However, I think the real factor for me that makes me ready for this is it isn't our last hope.  Sure, I know we can do IVF again.  But if that doesn't work the second time or third time, I also know that I have 2 ready and willing bellies to borrow in the wings (MBM and MBM's sister).  I think if I didn't have that in my back pocket, I would really feel like this was our last shot at having a child that actually resembles us.  But I don't.  This isn't the last frontier. Yes, I really hope that IVF works and we don't have to cross the bridge to surrogacy, but I do also have the option if I want to or need to.  And that in itself is soothing (yes MBM and Nin, it is!  Thank you!).

I think that is all I have to say about this particular subject.  But Busted Kate posted a great list from Resolve.org about Infertility Etiquette, so I am going to copy her and post it here.  (Thanks My Kate!)  Remember, Kate nor I wrote this (there's a couple perspectives and talking about "when I was...", it's not me or Kate, it's somebody at Resolve.org - which is the National Infertility Association).

Enjoy and know that we aren't saying this for our health, these things actually get said and while deep inside we know they are well meaning (mostly), they don't feel like what people want them to and in the moment, you might really hurt the person you want to help...or they may really hurt you!  This article also gives good comparisons and explanations of feelings that I couldn't do. 

Infertility Etiquette

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

• They will eventually conceive a baby.
• They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
• They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
 
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.