So after about 2 weeks of eating whatever I wanted (started 11/20 when Michelle got here) thru Thanksgiving, it is time to go back to eating what I should instead of what I want. So I am starting fresh as they say. Got on the scale yesterday and wasn't as shocked as I thought I could be considering the past 2 weeks and that AF showed up on Saturday. But I do know I need to go back. Had a healthy breakfast this morning, although realized too late that we have NO fruit in the house. The apples I was depending on have gone bad - go figure, 2 weeks...but they were cut. So I was reduced to apple juice that I bought for Jason, thankfully it was super low sugar.
But officially starting fresh. Worked out this morning with Anna, albeit maybe half-heartedly. Then, got back in bed, never a wise option because it was SO much harder getting out the second time. But I finally did and am now half way thru my day. Nothing more to say, just wanted record that I am starting fresh today and back on WW and plan to do great! Peace!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
December begins,,,and other things do to.
First, let me say that I cannot believe Tuesday begins December and that begins the LAST MONTH of 2009! That is insane to me! Speaking of beginnings, AF showed up on Saturday night, a little early. I was actually surprised by this which hasn't happened for quite some time with all the drugs, timing and testing. Actually, first thing Sat I noticed some spotting (sorry, TMI) but no cramps - very not how my cycle goes. This was the issue I was having that brought on the Progesterone tabs. How quickly the body forgets what the drugs do. So later Sat night the cramps showed and realization set in that we begin again. Cramps have been bad, but not nearly what I have had in the past. I'm hoping that they stay small because that means I may be over the endo, or at least I hope so.
Other than that, no real excitement on this end. After the hubbub of Thanksgiving (way too much food and wine and more eating), things calmed down a lot. All the Christmas decorations are up and now the shopping must begin. Won't be a lot, but will be enough. Now before I go, I need to count my blessings and reflect on something.
I am very lucky. I have a family that loves me and that I love dearly. Through the joy of friendship, that family continues to grow. How many of my friends leave me or get off the phone with me and we exchange "I love yous"? Quite a few. I am blessed. I have a house and a job and some spare cash - less this year due to all the fertility stuff. But I still have some. I can put food on the table and buy necessities and sometimes non-necessities. There are so many people out there in need now, so I must be grateful for what I have. Mostly I am grateful for the people in my life...my husband, my parents, my in-laws (well, most of them), and my friends (aka adopted family). I would do anything for them and I know they would and already have done anything for me. I love you guys for all your support.
Now here is a reflection that you may or may not agree with. I look at the world these days and the people without jobs or homes or food (i.e. things that are NEEDED to survive) and I think about my wish for the year, to have a child. This is not needed to survive. Sure it would make us happy, but it isn't necessary. I look at all we have done to help this process along and all that we have spent and sometimes think that we brought this on ourselves. No, I don't mean we brought the infertility on ourselves, but the situation. This isn't coming out right...what I mean to say is we don't need to do this now. Sure I am now 30 and my infertility only goes downhill fast from here, but if we had to go a year without doing anything about this, we could deal. Someone out there can't go without food or shelter for a year. It just doesn't work. But going to the doctor and spending all this cash, could wait and sometimes I wonder if it should.
Should it wait until Jason finds his perfect job where people respect him and pay him what he is worth? Should it wait until we find a different/better/bigger/smaller/other house? Should it wait until I pass my CFP (aka "the big nasty" - Certified Financial Planner) test? I don't know. I don't know that I can wait thru all that stuff. But I definitely consider it. We have time before we decide to go forward again, and to research and wait and talk. I don't know that I could go another year without...but I may have to. But could I go another year without trying and testing and doctors? I don't know.
I thought we were ready for a baby. But it seems God has other plans. As the year comes to a close, it also makes me realize that January 1, 2010 marks 2 and half years for us, and that is scary. It's not supposed to be this hard. So now we need to reflect on what we have been thru and how we go on...and if we wait or if we continue. No answers tonight, just thoughts. Night folks. I'm off to read about Santa!
Other than that, no real excitement on this end. After the hubbub of Thanksgiving (way too much food and wine and more eating), things calmed down a lot. All the Christmas decorations are up and now the shopping must begin. Won't be a lot, but will be enough. Now before I go, I need to count my blessings and reflect on something.
I am very lucky. I have a family that loves me and that I love dearly. Through the joy of friendship, that family continues to grow. How many of my friends leave me or get off the phone with me and we exchange "I love yous"? Quite a few. I am blessed. I have a house and a job and some spare cash - less this year due to all the fertility stuff. But I still have some. I can put food on the table and buy necessities and sometimes non-necessities. There are so many people out there in need now, so I must be grateful for what I have. Mostly I am grateful for the people in my life...my husband, my parents, my in-laws (well, most of them), and my friends (aka adopted family). I would do anything for them and I know they would and already have done anything for me. I love you guys for all your support.
Now here is a reflection that you may or may not agree with. I look at the world these days and the people without jobs or homes or food (i.e. things that are NEEDED to survive) and I think about my wish for the year, to have a child. This is not needed to survive. Sure it would make us happy, but it isn't necessary. I look at all we have done to help this process along and all that we have spent and sometimes think that we brought this on ourselves. No, I don't mean we brought the infertility on ourselves, but the situation. This isn't coming out right...what I mean to say is we don't need to do this now. Sure I am now 30 and my infertility only goes downhill fast from here, but if we had to go a year without doing anything about this, we could deal. Someone out there can't go without food or shelter for a year. It just doesn't work. But going to the doctor and spending all this cash, could wait and sometimes I wonder if it should.
Should it wait until Jason finds his perfect job where people respect him and pay him what he is worth? Should it wait until we find a different/better/bigger/smaller/other house? Should it wait until I pass my CFP (aka "the big nasty" - Certified Financial Planner) test? I don't know. I don't know that I can wait thru all that stuff. But I definitely consider it. We have time before we decide to go forward again, and to research and wait and talk. I don't know that I could go another year without...but I may have to. But could I go another year without trying and testing and doctors? I don't know.
I thought we were ready for a baby. But it seems God has other plans. As the year comes to a close, it also makes me realize that January 1, 2010 marks 2 and half years for us, and that is scary. It's not supposed to be this hard. So now we need to reflect on what we have been thru and how we go on...and if we wait or if we continue. No answers tonight, just thoughts. Night folks. I'm off to read about Santa!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
30...REALLY?
So Monday was the big day and I can't believe that I have been wandering this Earth for 30 years. But what changed? Nothing. I still am very happy where I am in life and relationship with my hubby, family and friends. I have grown my family (only by creating family from close friends who I consider sisters and extra parents). I am very happy in career (albeit REALLY hard somedays to want to study for my CFP - aka "the big nasty"). And I am really happy with how far I have come in life and matured. Yup, I said it...I have matured, mostly.
Let's recap. Thursday night, I picked up Michelle from the airport about 11:30 pm...way past my normal bedtime. It was AWESOME that she flew in this weekend and great to see the face that I talk to on the phone so much. Friday, I worked in the morning and let her sleep in. Things went kind of haywire at the office because the computers started freaking out, but I took it to mean that the Universe was ready for me to have vacation and Michelle and I hit the mall. Me to return stuff, her to purchase. Friday night was pretty chill and that was great.
Saturday, the fun began. Michelle and I got up (letting Jason sleep in) and headed over to my friend Heather's house where we frosted my birthday cake (Coconut - SO YUMMY!) which Heather and I had made Wed night. On the way home we stopped at the Mall to return more things and when I came back to the car where Michelle was with the cake on her lap, the battery had died. Couldn't find hubby and finally Mall Security (later referred to as small security - after drinking) jumped us and we were great.
Came home and got in the spa for a bit with coffee and just chatted. Jason left to "run errands" and eventually we started getting ready for the PARTY at Blanco Sat night. I curled my hair like you wouldn't believe - took FOREVER, and tried to look my prettiest. Then another great thing happened, my BFF Kirstin was ringing the doorbell. Now I would love to tell you that was a surprise, but it wasn't. I knew she was coming and the anticipation of that was even better. So pretty soon Jason was home and we were all ready to head to the party place.
Got there in perfect time. Blanco's employees had arranged tables in a long table, and that really wasn't what I wanted, so the next half hour was spent re-arranging them to let people mingle and eat. We decorated with tape that said "Caution 30th birthday in progress" and things of that nature. About 5:15 pm our first guests arrived and from there it was a blast. I think all in all, about 50 people showed up. I have never felt so loved. The things people were saying (how I looked, how they loved me, how they were so happy to be there, etc) really made my day. The food was fantastic - nachos especially! (now let me say, if you have never been to Blanco Tacos and Tequila at La Encantada, you are MISSING OUT! The food is phenomenal! As is the manager and the staff and the atmosphere!) and the drinks weren't half bad either. But the company had to be the BEST! I just enjoy watching my friends enjoy each other so much. I know I looked at my watch a hundred times, not because I wasn't having fun, but because it felt so late - again, I am old! Cake came out, people sang, wind blew the candles out, more drinks, more hugs. Finally, it was clearing out and U of A was losing (only bad thing that happened that night) and we decided to call it a night. Here's the best part - the bill was less than HALF what we were expecting! Doesn't get better than that. So of course we tipped well because they took extremely good care of us!
I know I was very tipsy because of the 7 White Peach and Hibiscus Margaritas and hardly any food (yes, despite all the food we ordered, I don't really think I ate much). I know upon recounting the story of the stalled battery in the car with Michelle and Kirstin I said, "I called the house phone and the home phone and he still didn't answer" and "Small security saved us at Smacy's!" That shows what a great night it was. Once we lugged all the presents in - my friends are TOO generous! The girls hit the jacuzzi, wine in hand, and Jason relaxed on the couch. Finally hit the hay about 2:30 am! WAY WAY past my bedtime.
Sunday, I couldn't sleep in despite the amount of alcohol consumed and the late bedtime, so I was up at 9 am. Kirst joined me about 9:30 and we had breakfast and coffee. Michelle joined not too much later and we decided to take a trip down memory lane for Kirst and me and a sightseeing tour for Michelle so went down to University (Frog and Firkin) for lunch and then wandered around the campus. Great day! Home again and was allowed to open a few presents, then dinner with Michelle and Jason and to bed kind of early.
Monday, up at 5 am - yes 5 am on my birthday - to drive Michelle to the airport, then back home and back to bed. Jason and I both had the day off so we slept in and then had breakfast in bed, along with lots of presents - I will write thank yous, I swear! Then time to hunt for a new TV since ours was on the blink. After lots of shopping, we found one and ordered. Then dinner with the parents (their 35th anniversary is the same day as my birthday) at Famous Dave's and home to assemble the TV and entertainment center!
WOW, what a weekend. Today was spent studying even though I was "on vacation" duty still calls. And tomorrow will be spent with friends and children, always fun. Then lots of cooking on Thurs for Thanksgiving and Christmas decorating on Friday. Probably lunch with another friend on Sat! WOW again.
So thank you to EVERYONE who sent a card or a text or an email or a FB message or came the party or gave me a hug or took me to lunch or gave me a present or just thought of me. My 30th was great and I can't wait to plan the 35th party...I know where it will be!!! Love you guys!
Let's recap. Thursday night, I picked up Michelle from the airport about 11:30 pm...way past my normal bedtime. It was AWESOME that she flew in this weekend and great to see the face that I talk to on the phone so much. Friday, I worked in the morning and let her sleep in. Things went kind of haywire at the office because the computers started freaking out, but I took it to mean that the Universe was ready for me to have vacation and Michelle and I hit the mall. Me to return stuff, her to purchase. Friday night was pretty chill and that was great.
Saturday, the fun began. Michelle and I got up (letting Jason sleep in) and headed over to my friend Heather's house where we frosted my birthday cake (Coconut - SO YUMMY!) which Heather and I had made Wed night. On the way home we stopped at the Mall to return more things and when I came back to the car where Michelle was with the cake on her lap, the battery had died. Couldn't find hubby and finally Mall Security (later referred to as small security - after drinking) jumped us and we were great.
Came home and got in the spa for a bit with coffee and just chatted. Jason left to "run errands" and eventually we started getting ready for the PARTY at Blanco Sat night. I curled my hair like you wouldn't believe - took FOREVER, and tried to look my prettiest. Then another great thing happened, my BFF Kirstin was ringing the doorbell. Now I would love to tell you that was a surprise, but it wasn't. I knew she was coming and the anticipation of that was even better. So pretty soon Jason was home and we were all ready to head to the party place.
Got there in perfect time. Blanco's employees had arranged tables in a long table, and that really wasn't what I wanted, so the next half hour was spent re-arranging them to let people mingle and eat. We decorated with tape that said "Caution 30th birthday in progress" and things of that nature. About 5:15 pm our first guests arrived and from there it was a blast. I think all in all, about 50 people showed up. I have never felt so loved. The things people were saying (how I looked, how they loved me, how they were so happy to be there, etc) really made my day. The food was fantastic - nachos especially! (now let me say, if you have never been to Blanco Tacos and Tequila at La Encantada, you are MISSING OUT! The food is phenomenal! As is the manager and the staff and the atmosphere!) and the drinks weren't half bad either. But the company had to be the BEST! I just enjoy watching my friends enjoy each other so much. I know I looked at my watch a hundred times, not because I wasn't having fun, but because it felt so late - again, I am old! Cake came out, people sang, wind blew the candles out, more drinks, more hugs. Finally, it was clearing out and U of A was losing (only bad thing that happened that night) and we decided to call it a night. Here's the best part - the bill was less than HALF what we were expecting! Doesn't get better than that. So of course we tipped well because they took extremely good care of us!
I know I was very tipsy because of the 7 White Peach and Hibiscus Margaritas and hardly any food (yes, despite all the food we ordered, I don't really think I ate much). I know upon recounting the story of the stalled battery in the car with Michelle and Kirstin I said, "I called the house phone and the home phone and he still didn't answer" and "Small security saved us at Smacy's!" That shows what a great night it was. Once we lugged all the presents in - my friends are TOO generous! The girls hit the jacuzzi, wine in hand, and Jason relaxed on the couch. Finally hit the hay about 2:30 am! WAY WAY past my bedtime.
Sunday, I couldn't sleep in despite the amount of alcohol consumed and the late bedtime, so I was up at 9 am. Kirst joined me about 9:30 and we had breakfast and coffee. Michelle joined not too much later and we decided to take a trip down memory lane for Kirst and me and a sightseeing tour for Michelle so went down to University (Frog and Firkin) for lunch and then wandered around the campus. Great day! Home again and was allowed to open a few presents, then dinner with Michelle and Jason and to bed kind of early.
Monday, up at 5 am - yes 5 am on my birthday - to drive Michelle to the airport, then back home and back to bed. Jason and I both had the day off so we slept in and then had breakfast in bed, along with lots of presents - I will write thank yous, I swear! Then time to hunt for a new TV since ours was on the blink. After lots of shopping, we found one and ordered. Then dinner with the parents (their 35th anniversary is the same day as my birthday) at Famous Dave's and home to assemble the TV and entertainment center!
WOW, what a weekend. Today was spent studying even though I was "on vacation" duty still calls. And tomorrow will be spent with friends and children, always fun. Then lots of cooking on Thurs for Thanksgiving and Christmas decorating on Friday. Probably lunch with another friend on Sat! WOW again.
So thank you to EVERYONE who sent a card or a text or an email or a FB message or came the party or gave me a hug or took me to lunch or gave me a present or just thought of me. My 30th was great and I can't wait to plan the 35th party...I know where it will be!!! Love you guys!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Stopping the insanity
So obviously my blogs are becoming few and far between...sorry 'bout that. I'm trying to not "think" about things so much, and since the blog is based on fertility or in my case, lack there of, this falls to the wayside and I have to come up with actual topics instead of what is happening with my body since I am "not paying attention" to it, well mostly anyway.
So today would be day 16 (if I were counting, which I am not really) and we haven't BD'd as much as we should have. So there might have been a minor-in-house-freak-out last night when I realized all this. By in-house, I mean, in my brain and there alone. We BD'd on day 8 and 11, but then things got crazy and sick and tired, not the BDing, the partner. Jason was sick last week so that counts out BDing for us, then the weekend got us out of whack and all of the sudden day 14 had come and gone.
So last night as I laid in bed after realizing this, I had to calm myself down. But it is hard to just "turn it off"! After all, this process wasn't started with a jump, but rather a gentle roll where more and more things got added every month that we didn't get pregnant. First it was not even understanding the biology of it all, then there was lots of studying involved to understand the biology, then the temping, then the blood testing and SA, then the first visit to the OB and the first Clomid, and the second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth Clomid, (interchanged with more visit to the OB), followed by the recommendation to go to the RE and the waiting for that and then canceling that and waiting for 2008 holidays to pass, then waiting again to be ready, then joining WW and losing 10 lbs, then starting the different drugs and adding more drugs, and then starting the IUIs which added MORE drugs. Not to mention the blogging and constant research and finding old and new friends dealing with this, and the crying and screaming and praying and testing associated with all of this. Let me tell you, not a walk in the park! So going "cold turkey" (for lack of a better term) isn't the easiest thing. Especially when I am so in touch with my body that it is frightening!!! In fact, the thing that invoked the freak-out (yes it was rather minor because not a word came out of my lips) was the little pain in my belly that lets me know something is happening or has already happened or is about to happen - yes we're talking OV here.
So I breathed deep and reminded myself that the purpose of this month and at the very least December was to TAKE A BREAK. That meant that it was okay not to BD on day 8, 10, 12, 14, 15 and 16. That means it is okay to have a glass of wine, or 4! And it is okay to NOT think about the thing that has plagued my life for the past 2 years and 4 months. (Side note - it amazes me that we have been going at this that long!) It is really hard to stop. And we aren't even about stopping something bad for me, at least mostly! So I eventually got it out of my mind that life would go on if we didn't BD and probably be for the best because I will be drinking (probably heavily) on Saturday at my 30th birthday party, and that wouldn't be good if there were a baby. But the thought still lingers in the back of my head. Probably about the time it disappears, I will be ready to start again and re-learn all the tricks of the trade again.
Alright folks, gotta jet to start dinner and do some things around the house. Kind of sad day tomorrow, so must prepare. Funerals are never fun. No one in the family, but close enough to warrant going. Love ya!
So today would be day 16 (if I were counting, which I am not really) and we haven't BD'd as much as we should have. So there might have been a minor-in-house-freak-out last night when I realized all this. By in-house, I mean, in my brain and there alone. We BD'd on day 8 and 11, but then things got crazy and sick and tired, not the BDing, the partner. Jason was sick last week so that counts out BDing for us, then the weekend got us out of whack and all of the sudden day 14 had come and gone.
So last night as I laid in bed after realizing this, I had to calm myself down. But it is hard to just "turn it off"! After all, this process wasn't started with a jump, but rather a gentle roll where more and more things got added every month that we didn't get pregnant. First it was not even understanding the biology of it all, then there was lots of studying involved to understand the biology, then the temping, then the blood testing and SA, then the first visit to the OB and the first Clomid, and the second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth Clomid, (interchanged with more visit to the OB), followed by the recommendation to go to the RE and the waiting for that and then canceling that and waiting for 2008 holidays to pass, then waiting again to be ready, then joining WW and losing 10 lbs, then starting the different drugs and adding more drugs, and then starting the IUIs which added MORE drugs. Not to mention the blogging and constant research and finding old and new friends dealing with this, and the crying and screaming and praying and testing associated with all of this. Let me tell you, not a walk in the park! So going "cold turkey" (for lack of a better term) isn't the easiest thing. Especially when I am so in touch with my body that it is frightening!!! In fact, the thing that invoked the freak-out (yes it was rather minor because not a word came out of my lips) was the little pain in my belly that lets me know something is happening or has already happened or is about to happen - yes we're talking OV here.
So I breathed deep and reminded myself that the purpose of this month and at the very least December was to TAKE A BREAK. That meant that it was okay not to BD on day 8, 10, 12, 14, 15 and 16. That means it is okay to have a glass of wine, or 4! And it is okay to NOT think about the thing that has plagued my life for the past 2 years and 4 months. (Side note - it amazes me that we have been going at this that long!) It is really hard to stop. And we aren't even about stopping something bad for me, at least mostly! So I eventually got it out of my mind that life would go on if we didn't BD and probably be for the best because I will be drinking (probably heavily) on Saturday at my 30th birthday party, and that wouldn't be good if there were a baby. But the thought still lingers in the back of my head. Probably about the time it disappears, I will be ready to start again and re-learn all the tricks of the trade again.
Alright folks, gotta jet to start dinner and do some things around the house. Kind of sad day tomorrow, so must prepare. Funerals are never fun. No one in the family, but close enough to warrant going. Love ya!
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